Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Sunday, March 17, 2019
We Are The Universe
"The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.
The unnameable is the eternally real."
Some believe in God as a deity. Some believe there are no deities. It really doesn't matter. I don't believe in belief. God is a man made word as is deity. Neither are right. Neither are wrong. What made us all is beyond words, beyond comprehension. IT doesn't need a label as IT just is. IT is unnameable. IT is unknowable.
"There is a thing inherent and natural, which existed before heaven and earth. Motionless and fathomless, It stands alone and never changes; It pervades everywhere and never becomes exhausted. It may be regarded as the Mother of the universe. I do not know its name."
We are of the Universe. Indeed we are the Universe. Within us are the same atoms as found in the Universe. The same molecules as found in the Earth. We are one and the same thing. Haemin Sunim is his book "The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down" says this about our oneness with the Universe...
"The whole Universe is contained within an apple wedge
within a lunch box.
Appletree, sunlight, cloud, rain, earth, air,
farmer's sweat are all in it.
Delivery truck, gas, market, money
cashier's smile are all in it.
Refrigerator, knife, cutting board,
mother's love are all in it.
Everything in the whole Universe depends
on one another.
Now think about what exists in you.
The whole universe is in us."
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
From Nurse to Nothing: How I Lost My Profession
Once upon a time before my own disabilities worsened to the point where I could no longer do the work, I was a home care nurse who cared for kids like Brooke.
Back when I was caring for kids with genetic disorders, I served a function which classified me as a "worthwhile" member of society, and I was proud of what I did.
I generally worked a minimum of 48 hours a week, and it was not unheard of for me to work 60-hour weeks. I was a productive member of society. I made around $40,000 per year doing this work.
I wasn't one of the favored class of home care nurses because I have never been good at working day shifts. I don't sleep well at night, and my broken brain causes me to become severely clinically depressed when I work early shifts regularly. However, night shift workers are a necessity in the medical field, so I got plenty of work.
When I was 49 years old, a flaw in my DNA caused me to develop diabetes. I wasn't exactly surprised, considering that my endocrine system is, overall, a trash fire. My thyroid immolated itself when I was 15 years old. I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, and when I was in my thirties, I developed Cushing's syndrome.
I have a puffy "endocrine face" and a large body type. Given my endocrine problems, it is highly unlikely that I will ever be thin unless I become critically ill as my great-grandmother did. She developed acute myelogenous leukemia, dropped from 300 pounds to 95 pounds within the space of a year, and died. But, hey, at least she cut a svelte figure in her casket, amirite?
Fuck diet culture. Fuck fat shaming and thin praising. Fuck all of that shit. I spent more than 30 years of my life trying to hate myself thin. It's all a pack of lies benefiting no-one but the multi-billion dollar diet industry. Homey don't play that shit no more. I have too many real problems to care what some petty asswipe thinks of my physical appearance.
The chickens came home to roost one night. I'd been pushing myself really hard for more than a year, working 48 to 60 hour weeks. I told myself it was what I needed to do to prove that I was a productive member of society.
Meanwhile, my diabetes was getting worse. I needed to start using insulin, but I was in denial. I had this screed embedded in my brain chiding me that to use insulin was to be a failure. This is an incredibly stupid thing to believe, either consciously or subconsciously. Needing insulin is not a personal failure, it is a failure of the pancreas. Nobody should be taught to hate themselves because they have a zombie organ taking up space in their body. Zombie organs are the result of a fault in a person's DNA, not in the person themselves.
I was extremely sick on the night that my career and my earning potential both were shot down in flames and went up in smoke. I had a severe respiratory infection. My coordinator told me that I should continue working with my main patient because I had contracted the respiratory infection from that patient and therefore couldn't infect him. He told me that the family really needed me there.
I wanted to be cooperative. I wanted to be seen as a team player. I wanted to help the family. In the past, the coordinator had told me that they were going to replace the full-time nurse on the case with me because she had lupus and tended to call in quite a bit because of it. I felt that I couldn't mention that my diabetes was getting worse. So, against my better judgment, I went to work.
I fell into a deep, dark sleep at around two in the morning. I remember nothing about falling asleep. There were no dreams. There was just darkness. I remember sitting there watching the patient, and the next minute I blinked and saw the patient's father sitting at the end of the bed glaring at me with hate in his eyes. I apologized profusely, gathered my belongings, and left quickly. I knew I would be fired for what had happened. My life as I knew it ended at that moment.
In reality, I had been asleep for about twenty minutes. I had no concept of that time passing. I had a small stroke, which I would learn also altered certain facets of my cognitive abilities as well as increasing overall muscle weakness and causing me to become fatigued even more easily than I had before.
I tried to go back to work in long-term care. When I was doing my long-term care internship in nursing school, I got high marks for my medication passes. I was organized. I quickly memorized which patient needed what medication when. I was fast and I was competent. I didn't really want to work in long-term care, but I told myself it's what I had to do.
I quickly learned that the skills that made me such a stellar med pass nurse had been wiped out by the stroke. I knew that patient X needed medication Y at Hour Z, but I couldn't make my brain understand what I was supposed to do with the information. I understood each component, but I couldn't make them work together.
I was utterly lost, and it didn't help that there was never any time to stop for a break so I could eat a little something. My blood sugar tanked. I almost left mid-shift. As soon as I got home, I emailed my resignation. I knew there was no way I would ever be able to work as a nurse again. I had failed like I always do.
Meanwhile, my diabetes was getting worse. I needed to start using insulin, but I was in denial. I had this screed embedded in my brain chiding me that to use insulin was to be a failure. This is an incredibly stupid thing to believe, either consciously or subconsciously. Needing insulin is not a personal failure, it is a failure of the pancreas. Nobody should be taught to hate themselves because they have a zombie organ taking up space in their body. Zombie organs are the result of a fault in a person's DNA, not in the person themselves.
I was extremely sick on the night that my career and my earning potential both were shot down in flames and went up in smoke. I had a severe respiratory infection. My coordinator told me that I should continue working with my main patient because I had contracted the respiratory infection from that patient and therefore couldn't infect him. He told me that the family really needed me there.
I wanted to be cooperative. I wanted to be seen as a team player. I wanted to help the family. In the past, the coordinator had told me that they were going to replace the full-time nurse on the case with me because she had lupus and tended to call in quite a bit because of it. I felt that I couldn't mention that my diabetes was getting worse. So, against my better judgment, I went to work.
I fell into a deep, dark sleep at around two in the morning. I remember nothing about falling asleep. There were no dreams. There was just darkness. I remember sitting there watching the patient, and the next minute I blinked and saw the patient's father sitting at the end of the bed glaring at me with hate in his eyes. I apologized profusely, gathered my belongings, and left quickly. I knew I would be fired for what had happened. My life as I knew it ended at that moment.
In reality, I had been asleep for about twenty minutes. I had no concept of that time passing. I had a small stroke, which I would learn also altered certain facets of my cognitive abilities as well as increasing overall muscle weakness and causing me to become fatigued even more easily than I had before.
I tried to go back to work in long-term care. When I was doing my long-term care internship in nursing school, I got high marks for my medication passes. I was organized. I quickly memorized which patient needed what medication when. I was fast and I was competent. I didn't really want to work in long-term care, but I told myself it's what I had to do.
I quickly learned that the skills that made me such a stellar med pass nurse had been wiped out by the stroke. I knew that patient X needed medication Y at Hour Z, but I couldn't make my brain understand what I was supposed to do with the information. I understood each component, but I couldn't make them work together.
I was utterly lost, and it didn't help that there was never any time to stop for a break so I could eat a little something. My blood sugar tanked. I almost left mid-shift. As soon as I got home, I emailed my resignation. I knew there was no way I would ever be able to work as a nurse again. I had failed like I always do.
~Cie~
Here is the last diet book you'll ever need. You're welcome.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Monday, March 11, 2019
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Forgiving is beneficial for you. - Wayne Dyer
Doctor Wayne Dyer of whom Cara wrote two posts about on this blog was one of many wise people. There have been a great many. From Lao Zi or Lao Tu, Confucius, Siddartha Gautama, Jesus of Nazareth right through of modern times. Jiddu Krishnamurti, Osho, Alan Watts, Eckhart Tolle and many more.
I have listened to Wayne Dyer on YouTube. I have read his book "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life - Living theTao." It proved to be very useful to me as it assisted me in better understanding the 'Tao Te Ching' a book I had read but struggled with.
Wayne Dyer, who returned to where he came, where we all come from, in 2015, like so many before him, had this to say about forgiveness...
"Forgiving others is essential for spiritual growth. Your experience of someone who has hurt you, while painful, is now nothing more than a thought or feeling that you carry around. These thoughts of resentment, anger, and hatred represent slow, debilitating energies that will dis-empower you if you continue to let these thoughts occupy space in your head. If you could release them, you would know more peace."
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Insecure Writers Support Group: But What If I Hate Socializing?
I'm not "in with the in crowd." I never was, and I never will be. The older I get, the happier I am with that. I've come to see the "in crowd" as fake, dependent on keeping up appearances, superficial in the extreme. I was the opposite of popular when I was in school, which in some ways suited me just fine, but in other ways was very painful and left scars on my psyche which will be with me until I die.
Fine and good. I'm not in school anymore. I don't go out socializing and I don't particularly want to. I don't entertain and I definitely don't want to. I'd rather wash my hair with sand than go clubbing, and the idea of online dating, speed dating, or anything with the word "date" in it except for "how about trying this recipe for date bars" sounds about as enjoyable as eating soap. In other words, I've become okay with being asocial. It's even become a bit trendy to be an "introvert," which kind of makes me gag. The last thing I want to be is "trendy."
A funny thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of people who confuse "introvert" with "jerk." I was in a Facebook group for introverts for a time and I left that in the dust fairly quickly. The people there mostly seemed to want to use their "introvert" status as an excuse to act like assholes.
I may be critical and snarky when it comes to politicians and celebrities or social trends, but I am the sort who believes in punching up rather than down, and I believe in calling out attitudes, not belittling physical appearance. If Lord Dampnut and Justin Trudeau switched bodies, Lord Dampnut would still be a hateful, pea-brained, lowlife criminal. Suddenly having a conventionally attractive appearance would not make him a better person.
So, since I am far more of a badger than a social butterfly, one would think that I would be well suited to a profession such as writing. Is this the case?
The answer is both yes and no.
If asked "would you rather go to the Party of the Year (TM) and Mix and Mingle with all the Pretty People, or would you rather stay home and cocoon yourself with imaginary characters of your own design while probably drinking too much iced coffee and consuming food of questionable nutritional value but which tastes good," the latter would rise to the top every time. The only reason I enjoyed going to parties in my youth was that I knew I would end up plastered. I can't drink these days and I can't abide hangovers, so at this point asking me to go to a party is pretty much like asking me if I want to spend the night cleaning toilets. I really, really, really don't want to do either.
However, if you want to be a Successful Writer or a Successful Anything, pretty much, you are supposed to socialize, which makes things difficult for those of us who are shy, introverted, and whose tippling days have long since been buried by time and dust. There are times when I have trouble making myself reply to comments because of my social anxiety. With parties, at best I spend the entire time feeling completely out of place and hoping I can find a large plant to hide behind. A Social Butterfly I am not.
Similarly, the idea of joining a writer's group is about as appealing to me as drinking a quart of milk. Hint: I'm lactose intolerant.
So, am I now going to spring a Happy Ending on you where I forced myself to go to lots of parties and am now the Toast of the Town, my first best-seller is going to win some sort of prize, I am now super duper uber conventionally thin and attractive and look like a supermodel, and I am about to marry the Handsome Prince (TM) and live Happily Ever After?
Newp.
I am going to tell you that I have no idea in hell what to do about hating to socialize while enjoying participation in a field that is very attractive to introverts but yet still being expected to be sociable so people will like me and therefore take an interest in my work. However, if you are like me in this way, you now have the knowledge that you are not alone.
Yeah...I didn't promise that it was a particularly inspiring answer. Sorry about that.
Fine and good. I'm not in school anymore. I don't go out socializing and I don't particularly want to. I don't entertain and I definitely don't want to. I'd rather wash my hair with sand than go clubbing, and the idea of online dating, speed dating, or anything with the word "date" in it except for "how about trying this recipe for date bars" sounds about as enjoyable as eating soap. In other words, I've become okay with being asocial. It's even become a bit trendy to be an "introvert," which kind of makes me gag. The last thing I want to be is "trendy."
A funny thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of people who confuse "introvert" with "jerk." I was in a Facebook group for introverts for a time and I left that in the dust fairly quickly. The people there mostly seemed to want to use their "introvert" status as an excuse to act like assholes.
I may be critical and snarky when it comes to politicians and celebrities or social trends, but I am the sort who believes in punching up rather than down, and I believe in calling out attitudes, not belittling physical appearance. If Lord Dampnut and Justin Trudeau switched bodies, Lord Dampnut would still be a hateful, pea-brained, lowlife criminal. Suddenly having a conventionally attractive appearance would not make him a better person.
So, since I am far more of a badger than a social butterfly, one would think that I would be well suited to a profession such as writing. Is this the case?
The answer is both yes and no.
If asked "would you rather go to the Party of the Year (TM) and Mix and Mingle with all the Pretty People, or would you rather stay home and cocoon yourself with imaginary characters of your own design while probably drinking too much iced coffee and consuming food of questionable nutritional value but which tastes good," the latter would rise to the top every time. The only reason I enjoyed going to parties in my youth was that I knew I would end up plastered. I can't drink these days and I can't abide hangovers, so at this point asking me to go to a party is pretty much like asking me if I want to spend the night cleaning toilets. I really, really, really don't want to do either.
However, if you want to be a Successful Writer or a Successful Anything, pretty much, you are supposed to socialize, which makes things difficult for those of us who are shy, introverted, and whose tippling days have long since been buried by time and dust. There are times when I have trouble making myself reply to comments because of my social anxiety. With parties, at best I spend the entire time feeling completely out of place and hoping I can find a large plant to hide behind. A Social Butterfly I am not.
Similarly, the idea of joining a writer's group is about as appealing to me as drinking a quart of milk. Hint: I'm lactose intolerant.
So, am I now going to spring a Happy Ending on you where I forced myself to go to lots of parties and am now the Toast of the Town, my first best-seller is going to win some sort of prize, I am now super duper uber conventionally thin and attractive and look like a supermodel, and I am about to marry the Handsome Prince (TM) and live Happily Ever After?
Newp.
I am going to tell you that I have no idea in hell what to do about hating to socialize while enjoying participation in a field that is very attractive to introverts but yet still being expected to be sociable so people will like me and therefore take an interest in my work. However, if you are like me in this way, you now have the knowledge that you are not alone.
Yeah...I didn't promise that it was a particularly inspiring answer. Sorry about that.
~Cie~
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Real Cie Reviews: The Wayne Dyer Material
Dr. Wayne Dyer
10 May 1940 - 29 August 2015
My dear writing sister Blooming Psycho was up early this morning, and she sent me links to videos of lectures by the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, a psychologist and motivational speaker. Dr. Dyer's works encouraged positive focus and meditation to clear the mind of negative fixations.
Although Dr. Dyer's work addresses Buddhist concepts, it is not necessary to be a Buddhist to benefit from his teachings. His later work had a more spiritual focus than his earlier books. Even if one rejects the spiritual aspects of his books, one can still benefit from the ideas of positive focus.
I'm glad that Bloomy reminded me of Dr. Dyer's work. I invite you to listen to the videos she shared with me and decide for yourself if his approach resonates with you.
Although Dr. Dyer's work addresses Buddhist concepts, it is not necessary to be a Buddhist to benefit from his teachings. His later work had a more spiritual focus than his earlier books. Even if one rejects the spiritual aspects of his books, one can still benefit from the ideas of positive focus.
I'm glad that Bloomy reminded me of Dr. Dyer's work. I invite you to listen to the videos she shared with me and decide for yourself if his approach resonates with you.
Best Wishes,
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Sympathy for the Devils We Created: Being a Teen Idol Sucks
As fate would have it, I found this 45-ish-year-old photo not long after watching a documentary on the Partridge Family and was reminded that in AC/DC's early days, the P.R. team attempted to make Malcolm Young into a working-class answer to David Cassidy due to his similar physical appearance to the most famous teen idol of the day.
Unlike David Cassidy, Malcolm Young was not an actor or a model, and his facial expressions tended to telegraph the fact that he felt silly about the sexy poses the photographers wanted him to strike.
Fortunately for Malcolm, Bon Scott, who had already done his time on the bubblegum scene as a member of the Valentines, was having none of the attempts to make the fledgling band into the next teen dream.
Bon had an evident aversion to wearing shirts onstage. Malcolm's brother Angus took things one step further and started doing literal strip-teases during AC/DC's performances.
Thanks to his brother's exhibitionistic tendencies and Bon's refusal to abide bullshit, Malcolm was able to put his shirt back on and concentrate on playing the guitar rather than trying to make himself appear to be some sort of sex symbol.
Meanwhile, David Cassidy became so sick of his pop star image that he rebelled by posing nude with strategically placed potted plants in front of his manly bits. David said in one interview that it took him about twenty years to finally "come on, get happy" after the Partridge Family was over. The experience of being a teen idol was psychologically damaging for him.
I wrote a poem honoring k-pop star Kim Jong-Hyun of the band Shinee following his suicide at age 27. Jong-Hyun's sister told reporters that her brother was a sensitive personality who was unable to cope with the demands placed on him to appear and act a certain way at all times.
So, the next time you wonder why Justin Bieber started acting out, people who have been put under a microscope and are having every one of their actions analyzed tend to become defensive and lash out at their detractors. Fortunately for Justin, he seems to have aged out of being a teen idol and may be able to live the rest of his life in relative peace.
Hopefully, Justin will dodge the substance abuse which prematurely ended Bon Scott's life, will manage to avoid the severe depression which led Kim Jong-Hyun to suicide, and will never develop dementia as both David Cassidy and Malcolm Young did. I have nothing against the guy, and if he ever finds himself unable to figure out what to do with his surplus money, he can send some to me and I'll be both his bodyguard and his long-lost pal.
From my vantage point, I think we'd all be better off if the star-maker machine were to crash and burn. Celebrity worship is destructive and benefits no-one but the sleazeballs making money by exploiting both rising and falling stars and selling them as commodities to desperate people seeking a hero who can at least temporarily lift them out of their unhappy existence.
~Cie~
Hinduism Explained by Sadhgurru
Isn't it odd that we unquestioningly believe what often isn't true so easily? Take Hinduism for example. We all know what Hinduism is, don't we? At least we think we do. Here is the reality as told Jaggi Vasudev (Sadhgurru).
"Hindu can be described as a geographical based identity. It is also an identity of culture to some level. However, Hindu is not an identity of religion, and it has never been Hinduism.
Hindus tried grouping themselves like a religion when competitive and aggressive religions were established widely. However, Hindus are not yet successful as a religion. They can never be since there isn’t a single belief system.
Actually, there exists no belief at all, since you can believe that God is human and thus live as a righteous Hindu.
You may also see God as a woman but still live as a righteous Hindu. You may simply believe God exists as a cow and remain a righteous Hindu, or acknowledge God is just a monkey and still be a righteous Hindu.
Similarly, you can choose to worship a tree or a snake but still live as a good Hindu. In short, you may worship anything or nothing at all but remain a good Hindu. This is based on the fact that Hindu is a cultural and geographical identity, and it has no basis on any specific belief system whatsoever.
The Hindu culture blossomed mainly in India during a period in which they focused on the ultimate prosperity of mankind. The immediate prosperity was not too significant to Hindus. Ultimate prosperity became most significant to them.
Hindu means that there is just one goal in one’s life, which is Mukti, meaning liberation. Thus, the only aim that any Hindu has is ultimate liberation. For a Hindu, his career, business, family, and friends are all like secondary things.
They are just but stepping stones to ultimate liberation. Hence, everything else is secondary, and relationships are not significant. For a Hindu, the one and only thing about life is liberation.
For him, even God can be used as another stepping stone for attaining ultimate liberation. However, no one else sees it in this angle.
God, in almost all religions, is the eventual goal. However, Hinduism is like a culture that does not view God as an ultimate goal. Hindus understand that they created him and can create whichever number they desire.
Any kind they want. Hindus have learnt the science and art of creation such that they can transform a rock to be divine. Assuming you ate chicken in the evening. In one evening, it is becoming human, isn’t it?
Darwin’s evolution theory doesn’t state how many million years it would take for chicken to evolve into a human being. But in one evening, you transform a chicken from its existence into a human being. This is known as digestion, whereby one being is transformed into another.
If you go backward and take some manure, put it on a plant’s root, maybe after some weeks it becomes a sweet fruit. It is just something hanging there no matter how wonderful and sweet.
It is just the one thing, and is called agriculture where you convert one thing to another. You can also transform a stone into divine in the same way, and this process is known as consecration.
This science and art was explored largely, and humans learnt the art of making different types of energy, and this is now beyond the where man is as of now. Currently, has science has proven that everything is just the same?
What’s the difference between yourself and a rock? Isn’t it different levels or stages of function, vibrations, and intensity? Hence, this is the same energy, and different religions have always said God is omnipresent.
Hence, if God is omnipresent, then this is God and still that right there is also God. However, is it just the same or one thing? In one’s life experience and function, it might not be the same or one thing.
Then what exists in its ultimate possibility and function that you call it God? Yet similar energy is in its bottom most function, and you will call maybe a rock. Hence, transforming “this one” into “an ultimate possibility” can be called a science of consecration.
Upon exploration of this science, man manifested the gods in multiple ways, whichever he wanted. It’s really incredible in the ways it has been done.
Indians have not really explored these things, and it has been lost of late. However, if you explore that culture in depth, things that have been done for the inner prosperity of a human being, there is nowhere man ever used so much energy and time to look at the core prosperity of a human being.
It is surely incredible if you explored Indian mysticism. You will be surprised that it has never occurred in this universe since it has no roots from any belief system whatsoever. It occurs in science. Hence, you cannot say Hindu is a religion no matter what. It is purely a lifestyle.
It is more of a cultural and a geographical based identity that attempts to organize itself like other religions due to the aggressive competition in finding a religious identity. However, it will be impossible since there’s no single belief system for organizing Indians around it.
Similarly, Hindu lets everyone have their personal religion such that even a family can have its own religion. Anyone can choose to worship anything, even a snake, a cow, a monkey, or even a tree. Hindus can worship whatever they can relate to or whatever they like.
If a Hindu doesn’t see any sense in worshipping, or doesn’t need to worship, he will still be a righteous Hindu. This is more of the sense and freedom needed in today’s world.
Most of the conflict being witnessed in the universe is said to be as a result of good versus evil. But this is false. This conflict is all about one person’s belief over the belief of another person.
For instance, why believe in something? We simply lack the sincerity to accept what we don’t know as something we don’t really know. You have to believe everything you don’t know. If you said you don’t really know, then you wouldn’t fight anyone.
When you believe this is it, then you will always fight with others. Belief gives you a sort of stability and confidence. However, it’s a dangerous and deadly confidence since it lacks clarity. What you actually need in life is not confidence but clarity. "
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