What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Sadder

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The thing I find off-putting about sayings like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is that sometimes what doesn't kill you on the outside kills something inside you that you can never get back. A lot of the stuff that I've gone through has caused me to have chronic PTSD. Not the sort where I'm jumping at shadows, but the sort where I'm always expecting something else terrible to happen. I don't dare imagine that anything will ever change for the better because then I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I'm always on the defensive, always ready for a fight.

I wasn't always like this. I was the sweetest kid you could ever have met. I talk about how much I hate the person I was when I was younger, but I don't hate myself as a young child. She was kind and compassionate and saw the good in everyone. I feel sad for her that she had to turn into me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, really, the things that I went through to make me into what I am now.

~Cie~