Fridays delivering food tend to be hit or miss. Yesterday was definitely a miss.
I'm now having to fight with Hyrecar to not have to pay lease fees on a vehicle that I couldn't drive after the 21st. I'll be out $600. I haven't even been able to get the windshield repaired on my once nice car.
I'm going to say how I feel, and I don't need anyone telling me how "God will provide" or I need to "see a counselor" or "get on meds" for my suicide ideation.
I'm a deist rather than a theist. Autocorrect keeps trying to get me to write "a theist" as atheist, so I will state for the record that I am not an atheist. I'm an agnostic deist.
If someone takes comfort in theistic beliefs, good on you. I'm glad it gives you comfort, and I hope it continues to. I used to. I just can't any longer.
I believe that deity, in whatever form it takes, is basically a creator energy and is not involved with the day to day existence of its miserable creations. If I had theistic beliefs, I would despise the creator for not stopping the suffering of its creations. Being a deist, I don't think the creator is involved after the fact of creation.
Counselors don't do anything for me and it's something I have to make time to do. If I'm going to pay someone to be my friend and adviser for an hour, I need to be getting something out of it besides the desire to bash my head against a wall in frustration.
I can't tolerate most medications. I take the only one I can tolerate, and I take it in a more effective form than the one that is available by prescription. Lithium Orotate is more bioavailable than Lithium Carbonate. The "therapeutic dose" of Lithium is just one small step away from toxicity. One really does not need that much for it to be effective.
I've been bipolar since I hit puberty, although it wasn't properly diagnosed until I was nearly 40. I know about meds. Meds are not one size fits all. SSRI's make me manic and psychotic. This is, surprisingly, something I neither want nor need. Also, it's pretty condescending to say to someone "have you considered medication" when they've been dealing with an illness their entire lives and have come to know the nature of the way it manifests in them.
In any case, no amount of pills is going to help my situation. I need money, not medication.
The only pills I've been thinking about taking involves an overdose of my blood pressure medication so I don't have to go through this shit anymore, and no, I am not literally planning to do that, so no need to suggest that I go to the ER, because the last thing I need is to waste three fucking days in a god damn psych ward where I can be treated like shit and not be making even the slim pickings I make delivering food.
I defy anyone to say that they wouldn't be stressed out in my situation.
I'm unable to write, which used to be my salvation because I'm so stressed by my situation.
The future's so bleak that even one of those bright ass lights they use in a lighthouse can't light the way.
~Cie~
No comments:
Post a Comment