So Done But Not Allowed To Quit

Yesterday afternoon I asked my son if he could handle things on his own if something were to happen to me. He said that he honestly didn't think he could at this point. So I made a promise that I would stick around although I am beyond ready to be done with this life.
I really miss my friend Rachel. I could talk to her about this esoteric stuff and she understood. She passed into spirit in October 2009. I have sensed her presence since then but conversing with a person in spirit is different. I have been seeking corporeal companions who are of a mind, so we can keep each other balanced. Where are you all?

Cie

Dark Night of the Soul

I am undergoing a dark night of the soul. It's rather funny some of the words my phone suggests. Dark night of the schedule anyone?
I am unable to get Wi-Fi for my tablet at this time and so am creating this post from my phone
An odious task.
I have made some fascinating discoveries. But the feeling that my heart is being squashed is a miserable one. I welcome any kind words.

Cie

Won

 

Won

 

Prompt used:

Mindlovemisery's Menagerie

 

Most of the time these days I don't share my personal thoughts very much. I used to blog fairly prolifically about my mental health issues and my metaphysical beliefs. I no longer do. I used to cling to the idea that I could help others with my honesty, but I actually wasn't being true to myself.

Today, I will talk about my Won.

I once believed that it was my destiny to become famous. This is probably part and parcel of my psych disorder. I thought that I had an important message to impart to the world. At the point in my life when I was religious, I believed that I was sent by God to do so.

I discovered that I actually dislike pursuing fame. I'm a very vulnerable person. I don't like opening myself up to the kind of scrutiny that fame requires. I wish that people wouldn't be so mean and judgmental, but they are.

Losing my quest for fame was similar to losing my desire to drink. Believe me, I once loved to toss one or six back. You think I'm talking about beer? Silly you. I'm talking about Long Island Iced Teas. I liked to party. I liked to get down. When I stopped being able to drink, it became very difficult for me to socialize.

I've spent the last five years figuring out what the hell to do with myself without the pursuit of fame.

Fame is an illusory and fickle master. Those who become famous don't necessarily remain that way. Fame has a way of destroying those it creates.

I found out a lot about fame when I decided I no longer wanted to pursue it. It was sort of like finding out that my perfect husband was actually cheating his way through town with every man, woman, and sometimes underaged person that he could get his hands on, and on top of that he was having people killed.

I'm going to make a long story short. There were a lot of hurtful events leading up to my eventual decision. There was a lot of backstabbing by people who called themselves "friends," and a lot of losing parts of myself that I'd always held dear.

One of these so called "friends" caused me to lose the belief in the part of myself which was able to reach beyond the material world and touch the spiritual levels. I said that I would never connect the the worlds beyond again. This decision caused not only me but my creativity to suffer. I went into a Dark Night of the Soul.

Recent events on a metaphysical level (which I am going to be cagey about) have led to some of those parts returning. There is someone I can never thank enough. My connection to the spirit world was always very important to me. When I lost it, I lost a big part of myself. Thanks to this special soul, that connection has returned.

I will never again pursue fame, but I am no longer so hardline as I was before on the idea of never publishing again outside of blogging.

Getting rid of the Won that I had to be famous to do good was the first step.

Getting rid of the Won that I had to do things other people's way to be in tune with the world beyond was the second step. I could not have done this without help.

I'm the shout it from the rooftops type of person. I wish I could reveal more about this turning-point situation, but I really can't. Suffice it to say, it has made all the difference.

There are those who will scoff at what I'm saying here. There are those who won't scoff but also won't believe me.

For the scoffers, it is not my job to persuade you. I am not the Jerk Whisperer.

It isn't my job to persuade anyone else either. I won't be sucked into the "prove it or it doesn't exist" argument as I have in the past. I don't tell you how to believe. I trust you will return the favor.

Some people will say that what I experience is part of my mental illness. I truly believe that it is not. I have always been able to discern between concrete physical reality and those things that can't be proven by hard science. Bipolar type 2 does not tend to present with hallucinations or illusions. I've had both before, usually as the result of medication or illicit drugs, or in some cases extreme lack of sleep. I can tell when I'm hallucinating.

I do not generally see spirits, although I have seen them on two occasions. I sense their emotions. I have fairly pronounced empathic abilities.

In any case, regardless of whatever anyone else may believe, I have some very important parts of myself back, and I have shed the millstone of fame that was hanging around the neck of my soul.

I feel hope and I feel love.

I refuse to believe that these things are Won.

I tried to be completely secular for too long. That isn't me.

I am not religious, but I have spiritual beliefs.

I will not let my soul be stolen from me again.

 

~Cie~



Different Vantage Points on the Journey

Different Vantage Points on the Journey

by

Opal 

I wanted to comment on the post by my friend Lily regarding whether or not things can be considered magical, but what I had to say was a little too long to be a comment. 

One commenter said that ze (not sure if commenter is male or female) did not agree with Lily's assessment that it is hard to see such a troubled world as magical. Ze was respectful in zir comments. However, Teammate Illsa took zir statement to be minimizing Lily's experiences as a person traveling through the Dark Night of the Soul. 

Illsa's expression of defense of her friend and indignation at a perceived attack is a third viewpoint.

May I express the viewpoint that none of these individuals are wrong in their perceptions of the world. They are simply coming from different vantage points on their own personal journey.

GSB sees the world as full of magic. Ze is not wrong. There are many magical things in the world, and in a sense there is magic in everything. I perceive magic as being an energy. Everything has energy.

Lily sees the world as being rather a sorrowful place and is at a point where she has trouble perceiving anything as being magical or good. Lily is not wrong. The world is indeed a place of sorrow and suffering.

Illsa sees the world as being filled with threats to that which is good. She is not wrong. There is a lot to fear in the world.

What is key is to respect the fact that we are all on different parts of the journey to enlightenment, the journey away from suffering. No person's experiences will duplicate another's. We are all alone in our particular experiences. Yet we can share similarities and alleviate our loneliness.

It is what is.

Namaste.

Awakening

Here's one to get the ball rolling. This is a view on the process of awakening to a higher state of mind. The narrator expresses a belief that one goes through a period of cynicism when breaking out of old dogma in order to ascend to the higher truth.

If you have things that you do that tend to put you in touch with the Higher Energies, it is not necessary to abandon those tools. Just realize that they are tools for channeling the Universal Energy.

Meditation, prayers, spell work, all these things have the same outcome: to get oneself out of the logical and analytical mind which we must rely on in order to survive in the body. Once outside this logical and analytical state, the Energy can flow freely. It is healthy to relax the analytical mind in this way, just as sleep is healthy for the body.

When in the state referred to by the narrator as Dark Night of the Soul, feel free to question, to drift on the tides. Do not put too much stock in seeking a concrete answer. In my time, I have found there is no one concrete answer. There are many paths.

Need for material goods, need for adulation, these things are the needs of the ego. One need not become a hermit and live in abject poverty. But it is imperative to question your motives on occasion. Ego-based goals never lead to happiness.

I am struggling with this right now myself. I am in the dark, but occasionally light creeps in.

Love, Light, and Peace