I thought I would start this post with a ridiculous, spelling-impaired meme, which for some reason makes me chortle like a schoolboy telling a fart joke every time I see it.
I thought I'd also include this meme featuring a man who hasn't actually been a school boy since 1971, but he plays one onstage, and I'd bet a month's salary that he's prone to telling fart jokes and also chortling about them.
His brother, who hasn't been a schoolboy since something like 1969, is prone to either chortling at or rolling his eyes in response to said fart jokes. At least he was before he was stricken with the worst sort of ailment: the kind that robs a person of their cognitive abilities.
But this isn't what I came here to talk about.
I came here to talk about seeing ghosts.
For someone who believes that the personality survives the death of the physical body, I actually have not seen very many ghosts during my time on this planet, and I have never seen with my eyes the spirits that I have formed the strongest relationships with.
My great grandfather saw spirits. He also knew when people were about to die. He was extremely psychic. He wasn't afraid of ghosts. He knew they couldn't harm him and weren't likely to try to do so.
My great grandfather didn't fear death. In spite of my belief in spirits and some sort of afterlife, I always feared death until I came to the point in my life where I was just so sick of everything going wrong that I pretty much feel like I'd welcome it.
Here's the thing about me and seeing spirits.
Many people will write off someone like me, who has a psychological dysfunction, as simply hallucinating.
The fact of the matter is, I don't hallucinate unless I'm extremely sleep deprived or taking some sort of powerful medication. I don't like to take the sorts of medications which tend to make a person hallucinate (prescription pain killers), so unless I've just had some sort of surgery or a bad accident, I'm not going to have those in my system. I do not take any sort of prescription psych medication. I take a low dose of Lithium, which is legally obtainable in many vitamin stores or online, and I take 5 HTP. Neither of these causes hallucinations.
Others might write off my viewing of spirits as being part and parcel of a mood fluctuation. The fact is, at the times I have seen spirits, I have been euthymic. I may question the validity of my interactions with spirits during hypomanic periods, but I have never seen a spirit while hypomanic. I tend to have trouble communicating with spirits when depressed, and I have never seen a spirit during a depressive state.
I was in a half-waking state when I saw the spirit of my kitten who had been hit by a car hiding under my dresser, so one might write this off as an excitable child "seeing shadows." The room was pretty dark, however, and my kitten was a tortoise shell cat. Her fur was mostly black. Her name was Rose. She didn't mean to frighten me. She just wanted to see me again.
The first human spirit I saw was the spirit of a thirty-five year old man who had died of leukemia. He was the father of a boy that my brother and I would babysit for. I was fourteen years old when this man died, sixteen when I saw him again.
The ways people would be prone to writing this sighting off would be as follows:
A vision manifested by grief
The seer (me) has a psychiatric dysfunction
The seer (me) was a teenager who was prone to using mind-altering substances
It was an illusion seen out of the corner of the seer's eye
The seer has an overactive imagination
The so called "seer" is lying
There are those who will believe that one of the above is still the case, but I will refute each of the above. The story remains anecdotal as I have no way of going back in time with a camera capable of taking a photograph of a ghost.
I liked this person and was saddened by his death. I didn't have an extremely close relationship with him. I didn't deeply grieve his passing.
As I said previously, I have never seen a spirit while in either a hypomanic or depressive state. I was euthymic, in a balanced emotional state.
I had not been using mind-altering substances on that particular day. The "mind-altering substance" I used most often was, as it happens, beer. My tippling and toking happened on weekends and it never happened while I was babysitting. I was sober.
This spirit was not seen out of the corner of my eye. I looked right at him, straight on, face to face. He also made a fair bit of noise before I saw him. I think that he was trying to get my attention.
My overactive imagination causes me to write melodramatic stories and to be paranoid, to read things that aren't there into situations and actions rather than to see things that aren't there.
Believe what you will. I'm not lying, at least not deliberately. It is my belief that I actually did see the spirit of a person who had passed over two years previously. What would I have to gain by making up such a story? This is the sort of thing that I tend not to tell people, because most people tend to think that I'm either "crazy" or "looking for attention." I tell the story here so that others who have experienced such phenomena know that they aren't alone.
This spirit was a conscious apparition rather than a "tape loop" manifestation, aka the sort of "ghost" that performs repeated actions. The spirits that most people see in haunted places are energy left behind rather than actual personalities.
Working in a retirement community at night for ten years, I saw a couple of "tape loop" manifestations. One was an elderly woman strolling down a hallway with her walker. I'm sure that is a shocker to those reading this account!
The other was not the spirit of a dead person but was either an energy ghost or an astral projection. It was the spectral manifestation of a living dog. The person who held the job prior to me used to bring her little dog with her. Pets were welcomed in this place, and this dog was just revisiting his old stomping ground. He frisked off down the hall, filled with joy.
In both of these situations I was euthymic. I did see the woman while waking up after having dozed off on the infamously uncomfortable short couch in the waiting area. She was "real" enough that I was afraid she might tell my supervisor that she'd seen me sleeping. However, as she walked down the hallway, she suddenly disappeared. The likelihood is that she wasn't a conscious apparition but rather an energy memory and wasn't aware of my presence at all.
The penguin that I saw in the hallway one night was a manifestation of severe sleep deprivation. I knew that's what it was when I was looking at it. It didn't bother me, but I knew that I needed to insist that my supervisor stop scheduling me every other night and allow me to actually have two nights off in a row so I could rest.
I have never seen with my eyes any of the spirits with whom I've formed strong emotional bonds. They are a different classification of spirit. They can be written off as my being mentally ill, emotionally needy, having too much imagination and so on, and most people probably do write them off that way. Those who write them off for these reasons may be correct. I choose to believe that they are not correct, and I share my story in case by chance I might be able to help someone who has experienced the same thing.
Since I rarely receive comments of any sort on my writing, I don't know if I'm helping anybody or not. I keep writing because this is the sort of thing that I would have liked to read when I felt like I was going crazy, to let me know that there was a possibility that I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't alone. Maybe I'm only shouting into an empty room and hearing the echo of my own voice. I continue to share this lonely and misunderstood voice on the off chance that this isn't the case.
~Cie~
