Cie's Private Garden of Sorrows
An Epiphoric Garden
by
Cie
Prompt Used:
TRIGGER WARNING:
EXPLICIT DISCUSSION OF DISTURBING THOUGHTS RELATING TO SEXUAL VICTIMIZATION.
SUCH THOUGHTS DO NOT MAKE THE VICTIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT A BAD PERSON.
BUT THEY DO CONTINUE TO VICTIMIZE HER/HIM EVEN MANY YEARS AFTER THE EVENT TOOK PLACE
Sometimes I feel so very alone, even when I am surrounded by the people who are supposed to love me. I think of Gem and the difference he has made in my life, but even that can't clean away the filth on my soul. Although Gem knows what it's like to be shy and melancholy, I don't think he has any idea what it's like to feel rotten to the core.
Although I feel that Gem saved my life and that he wouldn't reject me for being an outcast, sometimes I think that if he could really see me, he would see a horrifying creature that he could never resign himself to being anywhere near. Sometimes I think I really am the worst of things. What if my soul is nothing but a rotting corpse?
If events from my past haven't killed my soul, they have certainly done their best to try. There is no-one that I can explain this to. How can I explain that part of me believes that I deserve to be raped, violated, spit on, urinated on, defecated on, and eventually left weeping in a pool of feces like the worthless piece of shit I am? How can I explain that I get turned on by the thought of being degraded, even though I wouldn't want such a thing in a million years?
Gentle though he is, I feel that Gem couldn't possibly understand this corrosion, this vile putrescence. Although wounded, he will always be young and innocent at heart. I am evil in spite of wanting to love and be loved. He is pure, I am filth.
There are times when I just want to stay in bed, not wanting to be seen by the world. Sometimes I can't bear for others to gaze on something so monstrous as myself.
~Cie~
