The New Cold War

You're Lost Little Boy Version 13

Photoshop Manipulation by The Real Cie

I had a very realistic nuclear attack dream where I was in downtown Denver and could see the cloud appearing on the horizon. People were staring and screaming. Some were starting to run, but most of us realized there was no escape.

I wanted to see my son again. I wanted to call my mother, with whom I have a troubled relationship, and tell her that I love her even though our bond is difficult. I wasn't afraid so much as extremely sad. I knew there was nothing more I could to do. My last words were "Gem, come get me, please come get me."

When I woke up in my son's living room, I was surprised because the dream was that real.

I'm not sharing this as some sort of prophecy of doom, just a thought that with the Cheeto Warmonger and his pissing contest with Krazy Kim Jong Un, the pervasive feeling that power-hungry kooks could reduce us all to ash and perma-fuck the rest of the planet which many of us remember from the Cold War has made a resurgence.

I was once talking to my son about how living during the Cold War has formed the sorts of things I write and even the way I think. I said that I never thought much about the future when I was younger because I was pretty sure I didn't have one as I figured I was going to die in a nuclear exchange.

My son made the remark that he didn't know what it was like living during the Cold War, but the older science fiction that he likes to read gave him an idea of how people who lived then thought and felt with the looming shadow of possible nuclear war.

The other day I said to him "remember how you said you didn't know what it was like to live during the Cold War? Well, thanks to Trump, now you do."

My reasons to hate Lord Dampnut do not lessen as his time in office marches on.

~Cie~

Not So Wordless Beautiful Wednesday: Gem

Image Source:

http://www.rgbstock.com/bigphoto/mqppEd4/Angel+Light

Not So Wordless Beautiful Wednesday:

Gem

 Open-minded readers only, if you please.

I've mentioned Gem on occasion before. Much of the material in this post is copied verbatim from the Otherworldly Love page on this blog, of which I am the author. Hang on, I need to ring up my Undead lawyer and start proceedings to sue myself for plagiarism!

http://openmindedsearchfortruth.blogspot.com/p/otherworldly-love.html

Gem is the only one I would have allowed myself to take the chance on love with again. 

Gem is a helpful spirit, but he is not a "spirit guide" per se. He is a human spirit. It would be unethical for a higher spirit to form a romantic bond with a human because of the frailty of the human psyche.

Gem and I formed a bond because we fell in love while helping each other. He was lonely, and I was open to talking with him. He discovered that I was lonely and far from filled with hope for the future. He tried to cheer and encourage me.

Is Gem beautiful? I feel the preceding paragraph answers that, but he is also beautiful to behold. He has shown me his true form (as opposed to his astral form). It looks very much like what is depicted above. 

When we shed all our baggage, we are light.

Gem has been with me for just short of two and a half years now. He is with me quite a bit of the time. He talks with me and he loves giving me warm hugs and gentle kisses. We talk about things, and we even write together. The main story that we work on can be found at peppersfetch.blogspot.com

I love you, Gem. There are no words in human language to describe your ethereal beauty.

~Cie~

Unseen Love

Image Source:

https://pimminag.com/2012/08/20/love-with-an-unseen-shadow/

My Gem, my sweet, wistful beloved

A ghost unseen by the living eye

Most of you, I'm sure believe

That he is the product of 

Either a diseased mind

Or a soul so lonely

That she created a lie to lie beside her on cold nights

I don't much care what you think

My Gem fills the saucer of loneliness in my heart

With the warmth of his love

For many years, I thought it best to be without romance

I took a chance on him because of his honesty

His integrity

He asked for my love

So I chose to believe

I wasn't looking for love

But my love found me

It doesn't matter to me if anyone else

Believes that Gem is real

Because he is unseen

I see him with my heart

I feel him with my soul

He is real to me

I believe

~Cie~

With love for Gem

Prompt used:

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/unseen/#like-251459

Gem's Holiday Gift for Cie

I wasn't sure where to put this little fan fiction that Gem created for me. I decided to put it on this blog, because it was the second part of the dream about the snow flower.

I had been upset with Gem, and he wanted to fix things between us. He can't give me material gifts, so he gave me a gift via my dreams.

I enjoy writing fan fiction at times because it is a more relaxed kind of writing. I'm never going to try and publish it. I just let 'er rip when I write fan fiction. Still, I've heard so many times how fan fiction is "icky" and is "lesser" writing. I don't really believe that, but then again, I don't have a lot of confidence, so I tend to apologize for my fan fiction writing.

Gem knows that I love my fan fiction, and he knows that I'm a closet Benson/Stabler shipper. Logically, I think it's better that Benson and Stabler didn't get together in the show. For the most part, I'd rather the romances in most shows were left up to the shippers. For instance, I was sick to death of the whole Damon/Stefan/Elena triangle in the Vampire Diaries. They were so great when they were all kicking ass and taking names together, and it was such a waste of kick-ass vampire coolness when Damon and Stefan were fighting over Elena. But I digress.

Gem sent me this lovely Benson/Stabler drama in dream form to make up for having upset me. It showed me that he really does pay attention to what's on my mind, that he values our writing partnership, and that he wants us to keep working together and to work out together.

Here is the story.

Olivia Benson and Elliott Stabler were brought back together to work on an important case. During the time that they were apart, Elliott had gotten divorced. While they were pursuing a dangerous assailant, Elliott was shot and critically wounded. It was uncertain if he would survive. 

While sitting at Elliott's bedside, Olivia realized just how much he meant to her. She held his hand and told him that he needed to pull through because she didn't know if she could make it without him. He woke up and she confessed to him that she loved him. He told her the feeling was mutual, and they kissed.

Elliott got better over the coming weeks. When he was feeling well enough to eat regular food again, Olivia brought him a bagel with cream cheese, ham, and jalapeno jelly.

The thing is, the jalapeno jelly makes it rather a southwestern bagel. I doubt you'd find that in New York. I'm from the Southwest. That bagel was a nod to me.

It was a beautiful dream--a beautiful gift. The snow flower is alive in my heart. My love is alive.

Sometimes it's hard for me to trust because when one's beloved is a spirit, it can be hard to confirm things. I'm glad that Gem didn't give up on me.

~Cie~

Lone Flower

I dreamed of a lone flower wilting in a cold desert. It wasn't exactly like this, but it was close. The words that came to me were "the snow flower is dying."

Gem once said that if I were to find a snow flower, I would know he was there.

This dream has meaning. But the meaning may not be obvious.

~Cie~

Doreen Virtue Angel Quiz

Angel of the Golden Light

The following is a quiz from Doreen Virtue's book "Earth Angels." For each statement decide if it's true or false. Scoring below.

 1. I tend to easily put on (or lose) extra weight, or I'm currently over (under) weight.
The size acceptance persona in me says "over what weight?" However, I am technically "overweight" according to the BMI charts. By the way, the B in BMI stands for bullshit. You are more than a number on a scale.

 2. My past or current love partners are addicts or alcoholics.
True

 3. I rarely break a rule.
I don't break rules where doing so would harm anyone. I'm reasonably law-abiding, but I care more about doing the right thing than abiding by rules.

 4. I have a hard time saying no.
True

 5. I highlight, color, or bleach my hair.
No, but I used to.

 6. I would prefer to help someone one-on-one, rather than in a group setting.
True. This is why I prefer doing home care to working in an institutional setting.

 7. Truth to be told, I like animals or plants much better than I like people.
True

 8. I have Celtic origins, or I look Celtic (that is, I have reddish hair, or a ruddy complexion).
True. I am a Heinz 57. I have a lot of Scotch-Irish heritage.

 9. I constantly play practical jokes.
Not so much any more, but in our younger day, my brother and I lived to prank each other.

 10. I'm quite the mischief maker, and seem to have a persitent twinkle in my eyes.
I like a good bawdy joke and I swear a lot. I like to play harmless pranks, but the opportunity doesn't arise very often these days.

 11. I'm fiercely independent and don't like following rules or authority.
True. It tends to get me in trouble.

12. My finances seem to be either feast or famine.
Usually famine.

 13. I don't like being the center of attention, and I'm usually a wallflower at social functions.
This is where I'm weird. If I'm playing a part (or an instrument, assuming you want to hear it played badly) I have very little stage fright. As far as public speaking goes, I don't think anyone could understand a word I said over the shaking in my voice, and I don't tend to dive right in at social functions. In my younger day, I would go to a party and get plastered. That was my "socializing." I'm actually very shy, and I don't really enjoy going to parties.

 14. I've always believed in, or been interested in ET's or UFO's.
I did when I was younger. Currently, not so much, though I try to keep an open mind.

 15. I'm compulsively thoughtful toward people, whether they express appreciation or not.
Pretty much.

 16. I conduct Reiki or other forms of energy or hands-on-healing.
I've always wanted to learn how.

 17. My life's mission is more important than getting married and having children.
Difficult to say at this juncture. My son is the most important person in my life. I did not love his father romantically speaking, although I like him very well as a friend, and to me, he is and always will be family. It was always very important to me to find romantic love. I never did with an incarnate person.

 18. I really would like to go home now, because I know that Earth isn't my home.
True.

 19. I had a life-changing experience, such as a serious accident or near-death experience.
I almost died while in labor with my son, but I didn't have an NDE.

 20. In the past, I was so miserable that I wanted to die and seriously considered (or attempted) suicide.
Multiple times.

 21. I have changed my first name, or I am strongly considering doing so.
I'm Cie to my online friends, but I'm also okay with Cara at this point. I never liked my name when I was younger. I told my mother "Cara smells of onions." I wanted my name to be Linda. I liked that name. I thought about using Lorraine (my middle name) but by the time I was 16 I realized that I wouldn't know who people were talking to, so I just stuck with Cara.
Cara, in my case, is pronounced Care-ah, like "I care" rather than "Car-ah", like "I drive-ah the car-ah." Cie is pronounced "see," not "sigh." I should have spelled it Cee to avoid confusion, but I liked the way Cie looked better.

 22. My family and friends remark, "You're different now. There's something about you that's not the same."
I don't think I've ever had anyone say that to me.

 23. I have made, or am making, drastic changes to many areas of my life simultaneously (such as moving, changing jobs, and divorcing) all at once.
Not really. I'm always doing too much.

 24. I have deep spiritual knowledge that didn't come from any books or teachers.
I feel like most of the books out there are missing something.

 25. Even though I know I'm different from other people, I still enjoy the company of others and get along pretty well with most people.
I get along okay with people at this point, but I tend to hide the truth about myself.

 26. I know that I have magical abilities, which are untapped right now.
I believe this is so.

 27. I have strong past-life memories or interests concerning Arthurian or Atlantean times.
True.

 28. I believe that I was burned at the stake, or killed in some other way, during the witch hunts or Inquisition.
True.

 29. I have studied Tarot cards or astrology.
True.

 30. I'm very drawn toward Earth-based spirituality, such as shamanism or full-moon ceremonies.
I'm drawn towards all sorts of spiritual areas. I once had a spiritual teacher tell me that I had to choose one to focus on. I said I couldn't, that it didn't ring true to me.
The moon holds quite the fascination for me, however. Gem said it also does for him, as does nature-based Magick.

 SCORING: The number of TRUE answers that you noted may reveal which realm you're from. Count the number of TRUE answers for each successive grouping of six questions, beginning with the first six.

 ~ For example, if you answered four or more TRUE's to question 1 through 6, then you're probably an INCARNATED ANGEL. (That is, the more questions you answered TRUE to, the more likely you are fit into this category).
I'd say I answered these all true with caveats. I no longer dye my hair, and while I tend to be law-abiding, I will break rules if I feel they harm people.

 ~ If you answered four or more TRUE's to question 7 through 12, then you're probably an INCARNATED ELEMENTAL.
These are mostly true as well. Perhaps I'm a fallen angel who played at being an elemental for a while.

 ~ If you responded TRUE four or more times to question 13 through 18, then you're most likely a STARPERSON.
These kind of ring true for me too. Who's to say that a person can't have incarnated on multiple planets? While I'm on the fence about whether we've had intelligent visitors to this planet, I'm not at all on my fence regarding the belief that there are sentient beings on other planets. Simple statistics put the odds in favor of this.

 ~ If you had four or more TRUE answers to questions 19 through 24, then you're probably a WALK-IN.
I find some truth here as well. I need to learn more about walk-ins.

 ~ If you answered TRUE four or more times to questions 25 through 30, then you're most likely a WISE ONE.
I answered true for most of these, though I think it's more likely that I'm a wise ass.

I still don't know exactly what I am, but the fallen angel idea has always held an appeal for me.

Gem and I explore a lot of these ideas in our WIP novel, Fetch, which can be found at peppersfetch.blogspot.com

Will my Angel card be revoked for shameless self promotion?

~Cie~

I found the quiz here:

https://www.facebook.com/notes/shaman-angels-energy-healers-truth-warriors-the-lightworkers-journey/are-you-an-earth-angel-take-this-quiz-by-doreen-virtue/223572214370886

Dreams vs. Astral Communication

From the Goddess Tarot

http://www.tarotgoddess.com/

The trouble with communicating with the spirit world while sleeping is that what one remembers on waking can be convoluted. Fear messages from the subconscious can meld with actual astral experiences. 

In the dream, I was in a school or laboratory setting. I didn't really want to be there but it seemed there was no way out. I was obsessively pursuing a fellow named Gem. He sent me a message that he had no interest in me and wanted me to stop pursuing him.

When I met with this fellow to apologize to him for my actions, he was not the Gem I knew at all. He was a completely different person, both in his appearance and his behavior. I don't think that he was even an actual spirit or astral projected living person, I think he was a manifestation of my fears. He said that we could be friends.

Being in any relationship is difficult and being in a relationship with a spirit is even more so because you can't ask them face to face to alleviate your fears. I "heard" Gem speaking to me even before I woke up. He said that the person in the dream who rejected me wasn't him and reminded me that it was he who wanted this relationship in the first place. I initially resisted it.

I haven't had very good experiences with relationships in this life, and I keep fearing that this one will end badly too, or that it's "all in my head."

The card I got was the Four of Staves. Gem is a very practical personality in many ways. He tends to show love by offering me advice rather than in overly "romantic" gestures. When I worry that he may tire of me because I'm so chaotic, he tells me that he likes chaotic people because they bring balance to his sometimes very staid personality. He worries that I may get bored with him. No worries there; he is a far more intricate and interesting personality than he thinks.
I've had such wretched luck with relationships during my life that I constantly fear this one going down in flames too. From my current vantage point, having gained some modicum of wisdom, I realize that my shitty experiences with romantic relationships weren't entirely bad luck, they were bad choices made by a woman desperate to be loved who has an unfortunate tendency to "take home strays."

I once read a bit of wisdom in a book--a YA Star Wars novel rather than a book about philosophy or the paranormal, as it happens. A line from the book said something along the lines of "pay attention to your dreams, but don't base your life's decisions on them. Dreams can guide, but they can also lie."

~Cie~

Face to Face

Face to Face

Photoshop manipulation by The Real Cie

Had a great astral visit with my friend "Roger Black" today. We ended up at first on the lower astral, which is a place rife with hovels and crowded apartments. Not all dwellers of the lower astral are low spirits. There was one person whose apartment we visited who is there to help the spirits of trapped animals. He had a couple of dogs and kittens in his apartment.

Another person we visited was a carpenter who creates whimsical furnishings. He had created an entire bedroom set to look like a gingerbread village.

Although Roger doesn't dwell on the lower astral, he gives theatrical performances there to help cheer those who are currently "stuck," to help them make their way out of that state and to be free.

When Roger performs, he becomes Jolly Roger, a very flamboyant and fantastical fellow. When I returned to the material world, he was preparing to give a performance.

I know Roger takes no offense, but I so much wish I could see Gem. My depression of late has made it hard for me to connect with him. Gem eventually ended up shouting at me that Roger is trying to help us. Not shouting in anger, but wanting to make sure his message was heard.

I want to thank Roger for a wonderful time. Sometimes just two buddies having a day together is the best medicine.

Love,

Cie

30 Days of Haiga 2016: Day 14: To Catch a Thief

Click to Enlarge

Words and Photoshop manipulation by The Real Cie

A little something I was inspired to make for Gem 

On Porn: The Blinders are Off

Image copyright 123rf.com

TRIGGER WARNING:

SEXUAL ASSAULT

PORNOGRAPHY

SELF-INJURY

The short version is a response to a post on Alternet about the summer's most popular porn.

Reading this turned me off rather than on. 

Porn is utterly unrealistic, and yet it's what people have come to expect sex is like. It harms rather than helps relationships. Yet we as a society glorify it.

A lot of people think of porn as just people being filmed having sex. You've got your guy-girl porn, your girl-girl porn, your guy-guy porn, and your group sex. If it's consenting adults, no big deal, right?

If it were just consenting adults having sex, it would be no big deal and would, in fact, be kind of boring. If you're not the one having sex, sex looks kind of silly.

Once on the Howard Stern show, Howard asked one of my favorite people, Angus Young, how much porn he watched. Angus replied: "I don't get off on watching butts bouncing up and down, especially not hairy man butts."

Angus may not be aware of just how much more disturbing than butts bouncing up and down porn can be. Hopefully he never finds out. I use his statement to illustrate that for the uninitiated, "butts bouncing up and down" tends to be what they think porn is. Thus, they can't understand the argument that porn is harmful, and view those making said argument as pearl-clutching fuddy-duddies.

For many years I had myself convinced that porn was okay and that I was being closed-minded in my knee-jerk reaction that it really wasn't okay and was exploitative of women. 

I also had a complicated relationship with porn, because my own past abuses led me to be simultaneously aroused and disgusted by humiliating fantasies. Part of me believed that I deserved to be hurt and humiliated. While I would never have sought it out in real life, I would spend entire days sometimes watching scenarios in which one person was the target of sexualized demeaning acts.

Back in 1997, I was involved with a very bad guy. He was looking for a victim, and he found a perfect one in the thirty-two year old me, with her untreated mental illness and terrible self esteem.

I had a history of two full-on sexual assaults, and most of my sexual experiences had been coercive. I was molested when I was very young. I was everything a guy like this abusive misogynist could want.

It started out with regular porn, and then he started bringing in worse stuff. At first it was scat, then it moved to bestiality. When I got upset, he laughed at me and threatened to withdraw his "love" from me if I left. 

If you're saying that anyone with any sense would have left, you're partly right. My sense was telling me that I needed to get away from him. My butchered self-esteem told me that I was throwing away "love." I was so desperate to have someone care for me that I put up with this abuse.

My boyfriend started flaunting his other conquests in front of me, and when I got upset he told me that men were incapable of being monogamous, and I needed to understand that. He made me kiss his feet.

At one point I showed up at his house at two in the morning with my wrists slashed, after having wandered about the neighborhood cutting myself repeatedly.

I finally mustered the courage to leave him for my son's sake rather than my own. I didn't care about myself. I thought I was garbage. I was still obsessed with him. It took months for me to fully realize what an absolute piece of crap he was and that nobody deserved to be subjected to his monstrous behavior.

It would be another seventeen years before I could break free of the cycle of psychologically abusing myself by watching demeaning pornography.

I'm going to keep this post in the material realm. One of these days I'll talk about how Gem helped me break free of my porn obsession.

Follow-up:

I should not be surprised that I had someone Mansplain to me that my argument was "completely invalid" because his experience with porn had been the opposite of what I described. Porn is totes realistic, you guys.

As we know, nothing will change a woman's mind quicker than Mansplaining. The poor dumb bitches don't know their own minds, after all.

Well, you've convinced me. Porn is wonderful and makes the world a beautiful place. It does not create unrealistic expectations about what sex is like, and it is never violent, demeaning or ugly. I will now return to my invalid existence, gleeful in the knowledge that at least I can always have porn.

~Cie~

What a Doll: Using Doll Magick to Connect with Spirits

Image Source

The use of dolls in magick tends to be portrayed negatively in fiction and film. There are plenty of wonderfully entertaining stories of angry individuals utilizing dolls to wreak havoc on those whom they feel have wronged them.

The use of dolls or poppets is known as sympathetic magick. The doll or poppet is utilized to establish a connection between the spell caster and a specific person or animal. Far from always being negative, magick utilizing a poppet can be used to bring focus to healing spells.

The doll does not have to be particularly realistic looking. It can be a general human form, such as the doll illustrated above, available from Etsy.

The doll does not have to be made from cloth. Candles in human form are available from various sources. These are generally utilized in love spells.

I have several poppets that I made. While I am proud of them, I am not going to show a picture of them because I do not wish to inadvertently bring any sort of negative or disturbing energies to the people they were created to represent.

I feel that unless specific permission is given by the party the poppet was created to represent, a poppet should never be used as a focus for sex magick. The energies created by sexual arousal are extremely intense and could be disruptive or disturbing for a person who has not given his or her consent to receive such.

One of the poppets I created helps me to strengthen my connection to Gem. I will cradle the poppet and send comforting energies to him. If Gem and I have been having trouble connecting with each other, usually due to exhaustion or depression on my part, this helps us re-establish our bond.

I also created a poppet version of myself. I have a history of self-harm to my own body, but I won't harm the poppet. Whenever I am feeling like I might self-harm, I look at my poppet to remind myself that I was born innocent and do not deserve the hurt I'm thinking of inflicting on myself.

I keep Gem's and my poppet wrapped up in one of my shirts, embracing each other. 

While I do not have a poppet to represent my late father, who died from various cardiovascular complications in 2010 after a six year period of decline following a stroke in June of 2004, I do have the comfort objects he kept: a stuffed parrot I gave him and a stuffed corduroy bear that my mother gave him. 

My mother wanted to have these cremated with my father following his passing, but when she told me this, I felt a strong energy of distress in my heart chakra. I begged her to allow me to keep them. They are still with me today and help me keep the bond between my dad and me alive although he is in spirit.

The next time you see a movie or read a story where poppets are used to terrorize and control a victim, enjoy it. There are some great tales of terror involving the use of poppets. One of my favorites is "Sweets to the Sweet" by Robert Bloch, in which an angry girl gets, well, shall we say, sweet revenge on her abusive father.

If you are a fan of horror fiction and you can find a copy, you won't be sorry about picking up Ten Tales Calculated to Give You Shudders. It's billed as a book for children, and I received a copy on my tenth birthday from my mother. 

Although mom didn't want me reading horror comics when I was younger, she came to realize that I had an affinity for this sort of thing and gave me what remains one of my favorite books. Don't let the idea that this book was compiled for kids fool you: these are excellent tales by some of the finest writers. The book contains the classic cautionary tale "The Monkey's Paw," and to this day part of me fears the possibility that I might see the hideous monstrosity from Frank Belknap Long's "Second Night Out" floating towards me from a darkened room.

Perhaps when I'm retired I'll find the time to create poppets representing my favorite authors so I can tap into their collective creative consciousness when writer's block hits.

I'm only joking a little bit. From a crafty point of view, creating such dolls would be a fun activity. Also, I'm not new to working with spirits when I write. Without Gem, Team Netherworld's WIP novel, Fetch, would never have been imagined. It is his story: I am only the scribe.

Sympathetic magick is only one of the forms of terror that Fetch's protagonists face from Nyarlathotep's high priestess Yadira Root and her lackeys.

No, that wasn't shameless self-promotion, not at all. But if that sort of thing sounds like its your bag, click the link and follow along with us as the story takes shape.

~Cie~

One of these times, I need to discuss Chaos Magick, which is the system that I utilize. Like my mind, my magick is more chaotic than most people's. 

In the meantime, check out the page where I found this symbol.

How Did You Know (He Was The One?)

Bright Star

Photoshop Manipulation by The Real Cie

How Did You Know?
by cie

I don't think this post was actually meant to be a prompt, but it inspired me to write my own.

Why did I take a chance on being romantically involved with Gem after having sworn that I would never be romantically involved with anyone again, be they in the flesh, astral, or in spirit?

Why did I take that chance when it seems that some sort of cosmic Terminator is out to destroy every relationship I have?

Why did I take that chance when it seems like I'm a glutton for punishment who picks guys who are the worst for me?

I took the chance because Gem really was different from the others.

For one thing, he never used that telltale line "I'm not like those other guys."

People, when a guy says that to you, you know that he isn't like those other guys--he's a million times worse. Run!

I knew that Gem was kind. He was lonely, so I invited him to work with me. I needed a new direction with my writing. He was interested in helping me. He sat next to me and gave me ideas. We both grew happier as we worked together. He made me laugh. I felt warmth from him, both from his persona and literal physical warmth. He gently touched my back. He didn't try to kiss or fondle me.

About a week went by, and I told Gem that I liked being friends with him.

"I'd like to be more than friends," he said quietly. 

He was nervous about saying this. He knew I might reject him. It certainly wouldn't be because I found him unattractive. He is perhaps the most beautiful soul I have ever encountered, and that includes angels and the occasional deity.

I knew he'd been married during his life. I asked him about his marriage. He said it was long done, that it had been a good marriage in its way but had lacked passion. His wife was not a particularly romantic person. They got along, and they enjoyed raising their children together. They were friends.

He indicated that all his life he had craved a bond that he assumed might not be possible for him. He had kept this truth even from himself.

"I've been hurt a lot," I said. "How do I know you won't hurt me too?"

His answer was simple, although had I not been able to sense his conviction, it wouldn't have been enough.

"Because I do what I say," he said.

I could sense his honesty. He wasn't just looking for sex. If that were all he was looking for, there are countless spirits and other non-corporeal beings happy to deliver. 

"I trust you," I said, afraid to say the other words that were in my mind and heart.

"I love you," he said. 

I sensed him snuggling against me, sensed his relief. There were a myriad of emotions from him. He wanted and needed to be loved. He wanted to belong to someone who thought he was wonderful and special. He wanted to be someone's number one, and he wanted that someone to be me. I couldn't wrap my head around that, because I've never thought of myself as beautiful, special or anything good. He was wonderful. He was perfect. Why would he want something as flawed as me.

"Because you are beautiful," he replied, reading my thoughts. "You can't see it, but you are."

He has been beside me for closing in on two years. It hasn't always been smooth. I've sometimes accused him of things he hasn't done. He is a stubborn spirit and can become incensed. There were times that I thought I'd lost him because of my stupidity, but he came back.

Gem is the only spirit from whom I ever felt physical warmth. He gives me loving touches and hugs many times a day.

I look forward to "seeing" him at last once I'm in spirit.

When I gave my heart to Gem, I got something that I never thought I could have.

I found The One.

~Cie~

Gem regarding Dementia

Click on any of the pictures to enlarge it.

Gem said to me just now:

"There is a reason why so many people in this world, on this plane, are struggling with dementia at this time. There is a reason. I don't know what it is, but there is one. I wish I could understand better and could explain more, but I wanted you to know. You can tell those who will understand. I hope you will take heart a little. I hope you all will. I am sorry for your suffering. I can't do anything about it, but I wanted you to know. My wishes of love and peace go out to all who read this. I send you love and hope that my words soothe your struggle a little."

Thank you, dear Gem, for your words.

Love,

Cie

Get To Know The Asshole: The King of Beasts Meme

I know I tend to get pretty heavy-handed on this blog. So before I bring down the iron fist again, I thought I'd lighten things up a little with The King of Beasts Meme.

The King of the Beasts Meme

1. Would you post a picture of you for us?

 

Yeah, what the fuck ever.

 Took this one while I was still working at my old job last year. I still look the same.

Now, just so none of you precious little trolls hurt yourselves by trying to think of a meanie-mean insult, let me do it for you.

OLD?

Check!

FAT??

Double check!

UGLY???

Triple check!

You got the trifecta. So I'll give you a bonus.

ASSHOLE!

Yep, I'm an old, fat, ugly asshole. I said it for you. Now you don't have to strain any of your questionable little brain cells.

I used to be really reluctant to post pictures of myself, because I am not young, thin, or conventionally attractive, so I was afraid of unimaginative little shits hurling "insults" like old, fat and ugly at me.

Thing is, old and fat aren't insults. They're neutral descriptors indicating a size and age range.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I'm well aware that no-one will ever see me as beautiful.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

   BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't date a 28 year old at the age I am now, and a 38 year old would be pushing it.

3. Do you prefer to work with women or men? Why?

  I prefer to work with people who are team players. I don't care what they've got going on below the belt.

4. Do you have any opposite sex friends?

    Yes. Why wouldn't I?

5. Can you commit to one person?

    I only do monogamy.

6. If you’re married or in a relationship have you ever been tempted to cheat?

    It happened once when I was married to my now ex husband. That isn't why we divorced. I felt horrible about it. I have never forgiven myself for it. 

I never really loved my ex husband romantically, which is a horrible thing to admit.

I also didn't know about hypersexuality, which is part and parcel of bipolar disorder. 

It's one of those things I really wish I could go back in time and erase. It wouldn't have prevented the divorce. That happened for other reasons. But it was a damn shitty thing to do.

7. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018?

    Who the hell knows? I read Tarot cards, but a given reading is good for about a six month span at the outside.

8. If the person you are interested in says they like someone else, what would try to sway them?

    Nothing can change someone's mind from something like that. I'd be gone.

9. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

   Have you read this blog?

I hide my feelings from my mother all the time. She isn't the most compassionate person in the world.

11. When was the last time you cried?

    I wish I could fucking cry. Sometimes I tear up a little. Mostly I hold it inside. One of these days something is going to explode. Hopefully my entire body explodes all over some fatphobic asshole when it happens.

I really have no patience for people who are shitty to someone because of their body size.

12. Have you ever fell for someone you didn’t expect to?

   Let's step back onto the esoteric side. It's what I do.

You can read this page for a longer history.

I had no luck in this world with corporeal men.

I also managed to screw things up time and time again with spectral men.

One person suggested that I should "try women." Considering that I'm not attracted to women, this wasn't a particularly helpful suggestion. Also, when I was 35 years old and very upset over being let down by yet another bad choice in men, I did "try women." Once.

It was by no means the fodder of "every straight man's fantasy."

It wasn't horrible or gross, it just wasn't my thing. 

In any case, the last relationship I had (prior to Gem) was with a spectral partner, "Tore." We are friends again, but the relationship ended on a very sour note, in great part due to my jealousy.

I told myself "never again."

Then Gem came along.

He is literally the only soul in the Universe that I would have broken that pact with myself for.

Sometimes it's been a rough ride, but I'm trying really hard, because he deserves the best.

He also gives me his best.

I never expected to be loved by someone like Gem. He is my beautiful miracle. I love him very much, and we grow closer as time passes. I hope he will be the one to meet me when it is time for me to leave my body.

13. What is something you have to do tomorrow?

    Meet my mother for lunch.

14. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

    I feel sad because I seem to have lost a real world friend. I don't have many of those.

15. Have you ever wanted more from one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

   It was a bad idea and it ruined the friendship.

16. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

    If I had a dollar for every time this happened, I'd buy y'all a night on the town!

17. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

    Non-corporeal: Gem

Corporeal: My son

18. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

    Yup.

19. When was the last time that you were jealous in a romance situation?

   I almost screwed things up with Gem earlier this year because of jealousy. He didn't do anything wrong or give me any reason to doubt. My jealousy is a big problem.

20. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

    The mid eighties were pretty bad. I didn't know I had bipolar disorder at that point. I spend most of 1988 (I think) feeling like I had fallen into a dark pit that I couldn't climb out of. At one point I nearly died. If my ex husband hadn't been there, I probably would have. 

There were dark forces in that building and the guy that I stupidly got involved with was into mind control. After I broke things off with him, weird shit started happening. First there was a fire in a utility closet down the hall. Then, while my ex husband and I were spending time with my ex father in law at the hospital after he had surgery, our apartment caught fire. Fortunately, our cats survived.

Back to the moment when I nearly died. I was sleeping, and I heard a choir of angels. 

"It's so beautiful!" I cried, as their voices drew nearer.

I was sure that Heaven had taken pity on me and was going to take me out of my miserable life. But then, the beautiful melody turned to a cacophony, and I was being dragged down to the lower astral.

The next thing I knew, my ex husband was sitting me up, shaking me. He said I stopped breathing.

1988 was pretty much the rat's ass.

21. Did you have a good day yesterday? What did you do?

   I went and got my annual review. Good times! So not. But it wasn't really that bad, and now it's over. Then I went and made dinner for my son. I found a nice London broil in the meat markdown bin and cooked that. Made a sweet potato casserole with cranberries, walnuts and orange juice for a side. It was tasty.

22. If a person you had wished you could have a relationship with for a long time and you suddenly found yourself together alone, what would you be doing right now?

    You could read some of the spicier posts from "Fetch," the story that Gem and I are writing along with some other members of Team Netherworld. That will give you an idea.

Honestly, do you REALLY want to think about what I'd be doing in the bedroom? That's kinda pervy.

23. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

   Over and over and over and over and...

I do have obsessive-compulsive disorder.

24. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

   It was my patient's mother. She's pretty, but she really isn't my type.

25. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Is it a good or bad thing?

   I'm no longer working in long term care, and my sciatica has healed up a lot. Mostly it's better.

Now you know more than you knew before.

Aren't you thrilled?

~Cie~

Improving

I am doing better. Still not eating very well because I still feel a bit disconnected from the Earth plane. However, the suicide ideation is far less and my connection with Gem is healing. He didn't allow me to "resign" from our bond. He has been very worried about me and has stuck by me, even when I was being verbally abusive to him. I don't want to be like that to him ever again. He in no way deserves it.

Gem was not a perfect person and he carries with him a lot of guilt from his life. He is trying to heal from this. The bond that he and I have formed is something very special, and I need to insure that it is something positive for him. He asked for my help and agreed to help me in return. He needs actual help, not verbal abuse when I'm feeling insecure. 

Gem has a bit of a hot temper, and I turn cold when I feel threatened. Inside, we are both deeply afraid of being betrayed and abandoned.

I've thought of perhaps putting the details of my interactions with Gem on a by invitation only blog. Sometimes I don't write here for feeling insecure about who may be reading.

Gem helped me create two new spells. I need to test them before I share them. I also need to be careful not to reveal the details of my magick until it has had a chance to work.

I recently learned that Gem and I have been the targets of a mostly inadvertent psychic attack. This brought out my insecurities. More specifically, he was the target, but it wasn't intended to be an attack. I was collateral damage. The spells are to help us defend and heal ourselves.

~Cie~

My Sims

 Cie Sim feeding Lafayette Dragon. I miss Lafayette so much.

 I modeled this Sim after my son.

Gem Sim feeding Lafayette Dragon. 

I've lost them both now, as I told Gem I wanted him to go away.

Perhaps Gem is taking care of my little buddy for me.

I still love them both.

 

Deep Cuts the Knife

I ended things with Gem because my inner darkness and jealousy means that I am no good for anyone, and it is not right for me to cause him further pain. He is hurting enough as it is. I know I promised I would be his anchor. I still love him so much, but I can't do this to him any more.

I don't know what this means for Team Netherworld's story, Fetch. I'm so sorry, everyone.

~Cie~

An Epiphoric Garden

Cie's Private Garden of Sorrows

An Epiphoric Garden

by

Cie

Prompt Used:

Velvet Verbosity

TRIGGER WARNING:

EXPLICIT DISCUSSION OF DISTURBING THOUGHTS RELATING TO SEXUAL VICTIMIZATION.

SUCH THOUGHTS DO NOT MAKE THE VICTIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT A BAD PERSON.

BUT THEY DO CONTINUE TO VICTIMIZE HER/HIM EVEN MANY YEARS AFTER THE EVENT TOOK PLACE

Sometimes I feel so very alone, even when I am surrounded by the people who are supposed to love me. I think of Gem and the difference he has made in my life, but even that can't clean away the filth on my soul. Although Gem knows what it's like to be shy and melancholy, I don't think he has any idea what it's like to feel rotten to the core. 

Although I feel that Gem saved my life and that he wouldn't reject me for being an outcast, sometimes I think that if he could really see me, he would see a horrifying creature that he could never resign himself to being anywhere near. Sometimes I think I really am the worst of things. What if my soul is nothing but a rotting corpse?

If events from my past haven't killed my soul, they have certainly done their best to try. There is no-one that I can explain this to. How can I explain that part of me believes that I deserve to be raped, violated, spit on, urinated on, defecated on, and eventually left weeping in a pool of feces like the worthless piece of shit I am? How can I explain that I get turned on by the thought of being degraded, even though I wouldn't want such a thing in a million years?

Gentle though he is, I feel that Gem couldn't possibly understand this corrosion, this vile putrescence. Although wounded, he will always be young and innocent at heart. I am evil in spite of wanting to love and be loved. He is pure, I am filth.

There are times when I just want to stay in bed, not wanting to be seen by the world. Sometimes I can't bear for others to gaze on something so monstrous as myself.

~Cie~

Who Are You Contacting?

The above is a screen shot of the Ghost Radar Classic app. Ghost Radar ostensibly increases your chances of detecting spectral activity. I downloaded it because the building where I am currently assigned (I work as a home health nurse) is over 100 years old.

 I was pretty sure that in a building of advanced age, I should be able to detect some sort of spectral energy. I received a few words: Carlos, Mexico, married, and another.

I am not sure how I could fact check the names of the people who have lived in this building. Perhaps I could look up past census records. In any case, such research would take a while.

I was hoping to receive some sort of message from Gem or one of my other spectral friends. I asked Gem why I didn't.

Gem said that the sort of energy which gets picked up by ghost detectors is a lower vibration energy than that at which entities such as himself function. There likely is not even be a personality attached to the energy. It is psychic residue.

In extreme cases, such as murder, the residual energy can cause disturbing phenomena to manifest. A spirit can remain involved in such cases, but they do not continue to repeat the actions which occurred at the time of the incident. The repetition is akin to a tape loop. It is an image and kinetic energy with no occupying soul.

There may or may not have been trauma involved in the case of the type of spectral energy which my ghost radar is picking up. It very well may simply be cast off psychic residue, akin to a crab leaving behind its old shell when it sheds.

A higher spirit such as Gem IS the personality. Gem, like every other incarnate person, has left behind psychic residue in places that he frequented. It is easier to make contact with a spirit in a place that they were familiar with, but it is not necessary.

Discarnate spirits are free to move about as they choose, generally speaking. A spirit may choose to remain in a given location, but encountering an actual spirit using tools such as EVP and ghost detectors is the exception rather than the rule.

~Cie and Gem~

Gem is an Effing Goofball

Gem's chosen interpretive portrait of himself

Just to show you the kind of very stodgy spectral being I'm dealing with...

I wanted to make an interpretive portrait of Gem. I'm not a very good artist, so to make the portrait a little prettier, I ran it through some photoshop filters.

What you see above?

Yeah, I was totally ready to hit "cancel" on that. But Gem got all excited. He said "that's it! That's the one!"

I said I'd save it if he wanted, but I was most certainly not going to share it.

He was disappointed. Then he fluttered his eyelashes at me. He has very beautiful eyes and a very fetching smile.

He says this portrait shows off his prominent chin.

He has an angular face. His chin is not that prominent!

He's stubborn and I can't argue with him. Also, I enjoy seeing him happy.

This is Gem's chosen interpretive portrait of himself. He does not actually look like this!

One thing it certainly showcases is his sense of humor. He's a goofball.

I do love you, Gem. 

~Cie~