It's a bright, warm day, and I feel sorry for myself.
I feel sorry for myself for having a body that's betraying me in a myriad of ways.
I feel angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself, because there are people whose bodies are doing even worse things to them, and they manage to maintain a positive attitude, where I am trying to win an award for kvetching.
For the record, I think that people who say that "a positive attitude is a choice" should be boiled in oil. There's an implication that what a person has gone through in life has no weight and that mood disorders are a "choice." Fuck that shit.
Then again, I don't want to waste my oil. Cooking oil and motor oil are both costly. I won't be boiling anyone who irritates me with annoying epithets anytime soon.
I have been feeling lately like the materialists are correct: there really is nothing beyond this miserable, shitty existence. We plod through until we die wretchedly in a nursing home, or by suicide if we can't bear the thought of existence in a nursing home. My "spirit friends" are really nothing more than me personalizing my own thoughts because I can't stand the loneliness of my existence.
For the record, I'm not saying this is true. I'm saying it's how I've been feeling.
I started feeling this way after reading an article by a materialist which postulates that we are conscious of our own existence because of entropy.
This in and of itself sounds every bit as theoretical as a belief that the personality continues to exist following the death of the body. However, nobody is ridiculing this theory as "fiction," although it very well may be.
The materialists say that people like me are delusional.
This is a terrible thing to say, but sometimes I wish I was delusional, that I could fully believe something without question or doubt, that I would kill and die for my belief. However, then I would be a devotee of The Rump, and that is a fate worse than death.
I feel sorry for myself because I feel like I'm being railroaded at work.
I know, the cure for that is to "believe in myself" and "stand up for myself."
I have never believed in myself, and "standing up for myself" could get me canned. I can't risk not having a job. I have to play this thing out carefully.
A little background on the reason why I'm feeling railroaded.
I had been working with a given patient for close to a year. There was a disagreement between the patient's mother and the homecare agency that I work for. The agency decided to discharge the patient.
The mother went to a different agency, and I have been hired on with them. The case coordinator at my current agency pitched a case to me which would give me $3 per hour more. I was also looking into starting work with an agency that works with retired nuclear and uranium workers with respiratory issues.
When I let my case coordinator know that I was looking into the new line of work so he could find a different nurse for the case he was proposing to me, he became very upset with me.
I've generally gotten on well with this person, but lately I've been seeing the Hyde part of his personality, and it's kind of scary.
Those of you who have known me for a while know that I'm an agnostic when it comes to deity. I don't believe I'm doing "God's work" with the type of work I do. If God there be, he can do his own work. I've got plenty of work to do without doing his share too.
However, I do believe in doing the right thing. (Yes, agnostics do have a conscience.) I want to be where I'm needed most, particularly if I can't be doing what I love.
My (former) patient's mother called me yesterday, asking if there were any way I could come and help out for a few hours so she could go to work. The woman is desperate. The new agency has not been particularly proactive about getting nurses for the case. Basically, I'm the only game in town.
Even though I would be back on the lower end of the salary chain at $20 per hour if I stick with this case, I feel like it's the right thing to do. This family desperately needs me. I would want for someone to care enough about me that they'd help me if I were in that situation.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.
I wish I had something to take comfort in. But I don't.
It may be my karma to end up alone and full of doubt. People throw that word around a lot. However, I do have actual belief in the concept. It isn't as simple as most people make it out to be.
I'm going to get ready for work now. I haven't eaten all day, so I need to scare up some food, and also something to take with me for the 12-14 hours I'll be working tonight.
For the record, I use the term "materialist" rather than atheist to describe individuals who believe that the material realm is the be all and end all. There are atheists (people who do not believe in a deity or deities) who do believe in what might be termed "metaphysical" phenomena. They are rare, but they exist.
~The Cheese Hath Grated It~
