The Cheese Grates It: Questioning the Faith One Was Raised With

Before reading this, please keep in mind that I have no intent to insult anyone's faith in a supreme being. I am an agnostic who believes in the possibility of a supreme being or beings. My thoughts on the nature of said supreme being or beings are theory. For me, the belief in a supreme being or the possibility thereof is removed from adherence to religious dogma.
Religion is a system created by people, ostensibly to honor the supreme being or beings which are the object of worship. Like any other tool, it can be used in either a constructive or destructive manner.
That being said, I have found that religion is used destructively a disproportionate amount of the time, and thus my thoughts towards it tend to be cynical. However, I acknowledge that there are truly good people who utilize religion in a positive way, and I fully support these people and feel that they are positive representatives working on behalf of the deity or deities of their belief system.
I often cite the good people with the Christian organization Faithful America. Please take a moment to see what they are about and to support them.
www.faithfulamerica.com

And now, on to the subject of the post.

A young woman on a Facebook forum was expressing feelings of sadness and doubt regarding her faith in what I refer to at this point in my life as the Church God. Here is what she had to say:

Is okay to be angry with God? It hurts me to see people suffering especially babies and child. When you hear terrible news about the bombings in Syria or the fact that a evil man becomes president and now everyone is frighten for the future. Makes me doubt a divine being even exist. What do I do? Do I keep being angry? Or just accept the fact that I'm losing my faith and accept that the world for the way it is?

The following are the thoughts I had for her.

My personal belief is that there is a higher power or powers but it/they are not what the church taught us. Most religions have their basis in politics rather than spirituality and exist to control people. I think whatever powers there be are not particularly involved with the affairs of humanity. They are more architects of the Universe, one might say. Anyway, that is my thought on it. I was raised Catholic and for many years struggled with the idea on one hand that God was all powerful and all loving and yet allowed horrible atrocities to take place. I understand your feelings about this.

My further thoughts:
I "lost my religion" at eighteen, although I had been questioning for quite some time before that. I probably would not have lost my religion had it not been for the judgmental people I met who accused me of being a "devil worshiper" for being curious about the nature of the Universe, for not being comfortable with the idea that people get condemned to eternal torture for not believing in the existence of the Church God, and for liking that evil, evil rock and roll blasphemy. I was disgusted by the "Satanic Panic" believers who accused innocent people of terrible acts.
Rigid and judgmental attitudes pushed me away from the church. I might not literally burst into flames if I have to step into a church at this point, but I'm not comfortable doing so either.
At this point, I adhere to what Marcus Aurelius so wisely said, and I imagine I will continue to do so for the remainder of this lifetime.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

The Cheese Grates It: Sad Sack in the Material World

It's a bright, warm day, and I feel sorry for myself.

I feel sorry for myself for having a body that's betraying me in a myriad of ways.

I feel angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself, because there are people whose bodies are doing even worse things to them, and they manage to maintain a positive attitude, where I am trying to win an award for kvetching.

For the record, I think that people who say that "a positive attitude is a choice" should be boiled in oil. There's an implication that what a person has gone through in life has no weight and that mood disorders are a "choice." Fuck that shit.

Then again, I don't want to waste my oil. Cooking oil and motor oil are both costly. I won't be boiling anyone who irritates me with annoying epithets anytime soon.

I have been feeling lately like the materialists are correct: there really is nothing beyond this miserable, shitty existence. We plod through until we die wretchedly in a nursing home, or by suicide if we can't bear the thought of existence in a nursing home. My "spirit friends" are really nothing more than me personalizing my own thoughts because I can't stand the loneliness of my existence.

For the record, I'm not saying this is true. I'm saying it's how I've been feeling.

I started feeling this way after reading an article by a materialist which postulates that we are conscious of our own existence because of entropy.

This in and of itself sounds every bit as theoretical as a belief that the personality continues to exist following the death of the body. However, nobody is ridiculing this theory as "fiction," although it very well may be.

The materialists say that people like me are delusional.

This is a terrible thing to say, but sometimes I wish I was delusional, that I could fully believe something without question or doubt, that I would kill and die for my belief. However, then I would be a devotee of The Rump, and that is a fate worse than death.

I feel sorry for myself because I feel like I'm being railroaded at work. 

I know, the cure for that is to "believe in myself" and "stand up for myself."

I have never believed in myself, and "standing up for myself" could get me canned. I can't risk not having a job. I have to play this thing out carefully.

A little background on the reason why I'm feeling railroaded.

I had been working with a given patient for close to a year. There was a disagreement between the patient's mother and the homecare agency that I work for. The agency decided to discharge the patient. 

The mother went to a different agency, and I have been hired on with them. The case coordinator at my current agency pitched a case to me which would give me $3 per hour more. I was also looking into starting work with an agency that works with retired nuclear and uranium workers with respiratory issues.

When I let my case coordinator know that I was looking into the new line of work so he could find a different nurse for the case he was proposing to me, he became very upset with me.

I've generally gotten on well with this person, but lately I've been seeing the Hyde part of his personality, and it's kind of scary.

Those of you who have known me for a while know that I'm an agnostic when it comes to deity. I don't believe I'm doing "God's work" with the type of work I do. If God there be, he can do his own work. I've got plenty of work to do without doing his share too.

However, I do believe in doing the right thing. (Yes, agnostics do have a conscience.) I want to be where I'm needed most, particularly if I can't be doing what I love.

My (former) patient's mother called me yesterday, asking if there were any way I could come and help out for a few hours so she could go to work. The woman is desperate. The new agency has not been particularly proactive about getting nurses for the case. Basically, I'm the only game in town.

Even though I would be back on the lower end of the salary chain at $20 per hour if I stick with this case, I feel like it's the right thing to do. This family desperately needs me. I would want for someone to care enough about me that they'd help me if I were in that situation.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.

I wish I had something to take comfort in. But I don't.

It may be my karma to end up alone and full of doubt. People throw that word around a lot. However, I do have actual belief in the concept. It isn't as simple as most people make it out to be.

I'm going to get ready for work now. I haven't eaten all day, so I need to scare up some food, and also something to take with me for the 12-14 hours I'll be working tonight.

For the record, I use the term "materialist" rather than atheist to describe individuals who believe that the material realm is the be all and end all. There are atheists (people who do not believe in a deity or deities) who do believe in what might be termed "metaphysical" phenomena. They are rare, but they exist. 

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~