Stoicism Is Not The Same As Acceptance

My son and I appear to be dealing with Lafayette's death well on the surface. We aren't bursting into tears. We're going on with our daily routines. I'm able to put a smile in my voice when I talk on the phone. My mother would be proud of my stoicism.

In reality, we aren't doing well.

My son usually drinks a beer or two every few days. The same two cases of beer sat waiting to be drunk for several months. 

When I visited today, I'm pretty sure in retrospect that he was hung over. We were going to take care of banking. He said "let's do it tomorrow." I asked him if he wanted me to make him anything to eat. He said no, brushed his teeth, and went back to bed.

One case of beer was entirely gone, and the other has only two bottles left.

I can't drink. But I haven't been sleeping well at all, and when I do, I end up on the lower astral. I have been having a lot of problems with sleep paralysis. I have also been having trouble sensing Gem's presence.

Gem and I got a lot of writing done, and there were junctures when I could feel his hand on my back. He said he isn't angry with me at all, but I think I really hurt him when I said that I missed Lafayette so much that I would not only trade all my other cats (whom I do love, but what I had with Lafayette was incredibly special) I would trade the time I've had with Gem, even though it has not only been precious to me, it's been therapeutic.

Gem is very sensitive. He's never felt like he's anybody's number one, and when he felt like he was mine, it made him really happy. I'm very sorry I hurt him and I'm glad he hasn't left me. 

I will never bring any more cats into my life. It's too damn painful.

I'm not sorry Lafayette was here. I just hoped that we'd grow old together. He went away much too soon.

~Cie~