Understanding the Doorway Between You and the Divine

Who's At The Door?

I wanted to share an experience which happened a couple of months ago. I was over at my son's place resting on the couch. Suddenly a voice said in my mind "the doorbell's about to ring."

About 30 seconds later, the doorbell rang. A woman was at the door with a young boy. She said she was homeless and looking for any food or spare change I could spare to get a hotel room.

I had $8, which I gave to her and wished her luck. It later occurred to me that I should have sent her to the fire station about 1/4 mile away, because they probably could have helped her get to a homeless shelter.

This is a fairly common psychic phenomenon. A person knows the telephone is going to ring shortly before it rings, for instance. Sometimes someone they suddenly started thinking of is on the other end.

"Being psychic" is actually not an ability reserved only for the special few. We all have it. We just have to become more aware of it in ourselves in order to hone it.

~Cie~

Gem is an Effing Goofball

Gem's chosen interpretive portrait of himself

Just to show you the kind of very stodgy spectral being I'm dealing with...

I wanted to make an interpretive portrait of Gem. I'm not a very good artist, so to make the portrait a little prettier, I ran it through some photoshop filters.

What you see above?

Yeah, I was totally ready to hit "cancel" on that. But Gem got all excited. He said "that's it! That's the one!"

I said I'd save it if he wanted, but I was most certainly not going to share it.

He was disappointed. Then he fluttered his eyelashes at me. He has very beautiful eyes and a very fetching smile.

He says this portrait shows off his prominent chin.

He has an angular face. His chin is not that prominent!

He's stubborn and I can't argue with him. Also, I enjoy seeing him happy.

This is Gem's chosen interpretive portrait of himself. He does not actually look like this!

One thing it certainly showcases is his sense of humor. He's a goofball.

I do love you, Gem. 

~Cie~

Mentally Ill and Psychic: Insecurity

"Normal" for me is different than it is for "normal" people

I promised I would never again write posts about my personal feelings, but this is one. I am writing it to discuss how the emotional state effects one's ability to do psychic work.

If you are both psychic and mentally ill, you have to face the scrutiny of people demanding how you know your psychic abilities aren't merely the manifestation of your mental illness. 

It's a good question to ask oneself for the sake of getting to know one's own strengths and drawbacks better. It's a shitty question when it's being asked in a demeaning way by a person who wants to believe themselves to be superior to those who live with mental illness.

This may be a bit disjointed. Bipolar does that all of its own, and since I'm not in a particularly good place right now, it's going to be worse than usual. This ride is likely to go on and on, so feel free to jump out.

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar (type II) twelve years ago, I ended up asking myself that same question regarding my emotions all the time. How did I know whether the things I felt were actually my feelings or whether they were the product of the disease?

The answer is, you come to recognize the difference. It's even more complicated when you throw in a psychic ability such as empathy, because that is emotion based. However, you still come to know the difference.

The other answer is, you won't be able to tell 100% of the time. Just like any other skill, sometimes you'll be making educated guesses. That makes you the same as any other student or expert in a given field.

The problem that people with psychic skills face is since we're dealing with something that's not a hard science, if we make even one mistake, it's seen as proof that we're frauds, our abilities aren't real, and there's no such thing as metaphysics because YOU GOT ONE WRONG! Its as if the proof of our crafts rest solely on our shoulders. This is bullshit.

I find myself doubting not only my own abilities but everything else about me when I get in one of these dark places. I'm better about it than I used to be, but it still isn't fun. Even five years ago, I would have been calling myself a piece of shit and telling myself that I need to resign myself to the fact that I'm a shitty person who isn't good at anything. At this point I'm trying to focus myself on the reality: things aren't going well right now, and a lot of it is out of my control.

There is actually an end to this, but part of the problem lies on the fact that it isn't exact. My situation will begin to resolve either by the end of this week or the beginning of next. The trouble is, I'm making no income while it does.

I work as a home health nurse for medically fragile pediatric patients. I love doing homecare. It allows me to get to know my patient. I'm not having to run off down the hall to answer a call light, having to rush through things with one patient so I can get to the next patient. I am with my patient in their home for however many hours I've been assigned to them (eight or more). During that twenty-four hour period, I have no other patients.

I would like to continue working this job for the rest of my working life, which should be about twenty years. However, there are drawbacks to this line of work. I am a contractor, which means that I don't get paid time off. I do get insurance. It's very good insurance, and it costs a small fortune. The insurance racket in the United States is a discussion for some other time.

I try to put money into savings, but most of the time it doesn't stay there. I am trying to keep two very old cars up and running, because without them, guess who isn't working. The hours I work do not allow for taking the bus, and I'm going to places that are sometimes miles off the bus line. For me, having a car is imperative.

I can't just buy a new car because my credit is extremely bruised and my debt to income ratio is too high--thanks in great part to being in a state of constantly paying off car repairs. Plus my never-ending high interest mortgage, which I can't refinance because the place is worth less than the amount owed and far from stellar credit. It's called the high cost of being poor.

Let me put something in perspective. I make well above the minimum wage. I work a skilled job. I work full time plus. I still can't make ends meet. This does not mean I am lazy or even that I don't know how to manage money. It means that something is very, very wrong in this society. I am far from the only person in this situation. We are becoming a nation of haves and have-nots. The middle class is disappearing. This does not lead to good things.

I am currently between cases and thus am not making any money. This is a problem because see "no paid time off."

I attempted to make a partial payment on one of my car repair accounts yesterday. The a-holes wouldn't let me. I hung up in disgust. I spent the rest of the evening fighting my natural tendency to beat up on myself when something like this happens.

When I was driving home last night, I saw a basset hound lying by the side of the road. It was partway in the road. I was already upset about my money situation, and the ongoing issue of my son being unable to work because of his own psych issues. I avoided hitting the animal and drove on, feeling deep sadness for the people who would discover that their pet had gotten out of the yard and then killed. This was compounded by the grief I still feel for losing my beloved Lafayette.

I didn't get even a mile beyond the site before I was struck with the thought that I should turn back and help. I am certain that at least part of this thought was from Gem, and another part may have been from my father, who always taught us that we should help animals in need. I turned around and drove back to do so. I was thinking that I would not only have to pull the animal out of the road but would have to call its owners. I was not looking forward to that, but it would be the right thing to do.

When I got back to the site, someone else was already pulling the dog out of the road and checking to see if it might still be alive.

I drove on, berating myself for not having stopped right away. What kind of an asshole was I? What kind of weak loser was I to just leave that poor animal lying there? I must be the shittiest kind of person, so absorbed in their own bullshit that I wouldn't even stop to do the right thing. I deserved for nothing good to happen to me ever.

Gem tried to remind me that I was in shock upon initially seeing the animal in that state. I was having trouble perceiving him. I was angry at myself and fearing that I would say something mean to him out of anger. I didn't speak to him much on the way home.

I got back home and Gem and I did some writing. I berated myself that I should be cleaning house instead of writing. Cleaning is something I have a lot of trouble doing when I'm in a bad place emotionally. I tried to stop berating myself and continued writing.

When I went to bed, I dreamed that my ex husband and I were in charge of this contest to get a date for Disturbed's frontman. Don't ask me why. It was a strange dream. The band was playing in this old garage or warehouse. It was a great feeling being around music again, but I really didn't want to party or anything. My drinking days are long behind me and I don't want to grind up against strange men. Still, music always gives me a natural high, and when everyone started pogoing, I joined in. Now I know it was a dream, because trust me, my knees really wouldn't allow me to do that at this point.

I remember that Gem was looking for me in the dream. I saw him and wanted to talk to him. I remember feeling insecure, thinking that someone like him couldn't really like someone like me, telling myself that he was sure to break my heart. Gem was a very shy person in life. Although he became a little more confident as he got older, and being mostly in spirit gives him certain advantages as far as being able to know the motivations of others, I sensed him feeling unsure too. I finally worked up my courage to go talk to him. His smile reminded me of why I started calling him Gem in the first place. He's very precious and in some ways very fragile.

Then I woke up because I had to go to the bathroom. Being on a diuretic (to help lower my blood pressure) is not conducive to sleeping for extended periods!

I feel better today. On a logical level I know that I will be back to work--on two cases this time--in another week at most. There's a lot of red tape involved in setting up cases. Fortunately I don't have to deal with any of that, but I do have to wait while it gets dealt with. 

My connection to Gem is stronger today. He's relieved too. He's in a pretty bad position overall, and I'm his psychic anchor. When my moods are stormy, it makes him back off because in the past I have occasionally taken my upset out on him. It isn't right, and he does not need to be a punching bag. In the past I've been with people I couldn't trust, and sometimes that bleeds through into the present. I'm better at stopping it from becoming a full-on emotional hemorrhage at this juncture.

The last thing I want to touch on is the old adage that people with mental illness should not explore the esoteric. This is a bunch of horseshit. It is a manifestation of the old idea that people with mental illness should basically be locked in the attic and not allowed in public, the belief that we are incapable of doing anything because we are stupid and will fly off the rails when confronted with pretty much anything. 

People with mental illness have the same possibility of having psychic abilities as anyone else. In the past we were told that we need to suppress and ignore these abilities. If anything, I think that this contributes to a worsening of mental health. Do not listen to those who say this sort of thing. Get away from them, quickly. They are bad for you, not only on a psychic development level but on a basic human level.

There is certain ceremonial magic that should be avoided if one is not well-grounded emotionally due to the possibility of summoning entities that could fuck with your head. If your psyche is already on shaky ground, it's best to avoid doing this sort of magic until you are in a better place. However, doing spells for general well-being and life improvement are NOT a problem and may even make you feel better. Do them, and to hell with those who say you don't have the right to.

The rules for talking to spirits and other entities while in a bad psychological state are the same as always. Be cautious and consider what you are being told. If an entity starts telling you to do bad things, break contact. No positive entity will ever encourage you to do something harmful.

If you are mentally ill and psychic, you have a kindred spirit here. Unlike society tells us about aging, there are definite positives to being older. I have had a lot of years of trial and error, and pretty much no-one to help me along. I can use my experiences to help others. Please don't feel shy about asking questions or sharing your experiences. I'd like to help.

~Cie~

Is It Safe to Talk About Bodies and Souls?