The Cheese Grates It: The Straight Dope

This is basically a copy of a letter to one of my few real friends in this world. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Except for my name, because I want to get back to the purpose of this blog: keeping it real, and talking about that weird shit that everyone is afraid to talk about.

So, I got fired yesterday. I knew it was coming. It was still traumatic and awful, and I could have prevented it by going with my gut. Read this cautionary tale and know that I want you to trust your instincts. I wish I'd been encouraged to trust mine. It would have saved me a lot of grief in this life.

Long story short, I've been working 60 hour weeks, including when I was sick. I was very sleep deprived. I ended up falling asleep during my shift, not just a micro-sleep but a deep, deep sleep. I don't remember doing it. The last thing I remember was looking at the clock to see the time. Then I came out of a deep darkness to see the father of my patient in the room, and he was angry.

I understand this, but I wish he hadn't yanked my chain and told me he'd keep this on the down-low and not report it to the agency. I told him that I was very sorry and would remove myself from the case. However, he didn't keep his word, and not only did he not keep his word, he told the company a trumped-up story. The truth was bad enough, he didn't have to embellish it the way he did. I understand that he was angry, but I thought that this was an extremely ugly action on his part. I can't stand a bullshitter, and I was sad to discover that this person was a bullshitter. Deep down inside, I already knew it, but I still didn't want it to be true. More on that in a bit.

I didn't do anything that impressive for my company, although they liked to tell me that I did. They liked to flatter me to get me to do what they wanted, like burn myself out working way too many hours, but I was nothing special. I was just a cog in the machine, a sucker that they could use up. 

I saw it coming. I should have left last year when they ousted the mother of the patient I'll be working with again at this point.

Here's the sordid tale.

Little Ms. Sweetheart Stephanie (the clinical nurse manager for the case I was working at the time) was trying to get the "goods" on Angie, the patient's mom, to report her to child protective services. 

Angie is a single mother. This kid's dad is involved, but he lives back in the family's home state. Angie brought her son here so she could give him medical marijuana oil, and it may have saved his life. He no longer has constant seizures.

She can be a bit of a flake, but she's always seemed like a straight shooter to me. 

Angie has never left her son unattended (there was always a nurse with him) and she certainly doesn't abuse him. Which means that Stephanie didn't have a leg to stand on when trying to prove neglect. Nonetheless, she kept texting the day nurses, demanding report multiple times during the day. Angie got pissed about this and called the office, saying that she was going to come down there and "bust somebody's ass" if they didn't put a different nurse manager on the case. It was an unfortunate choice of words, but she didn't literally mean that she was going to hit anybody. Stephanie, however, played the drama queen and insisted that she felt afraid for her safety, so the agency released the family.

I signed up with the second agency at that point so I could still help the family now and then. I thought about just going with them, and I should have. I was at sixes and sevens. My mother and my brother both thought I should stay with the primary agency as they'd "treated me well" and they paid more. However, the primary agency was actually very controlling. My coordinator was literally starting to behave like a jealous lover. He would call me outside of normal business hours, telling me that I was "inconveniencing" him and the company and threatening my ability to continue working in the industry. When I said "fine, then put me on PRN status and I won't inconvenience you any more," he backpedaled and told me all about how I could make "so much money" if I just stayed with the company, that they'd get me all the work I needed, that I was a "quality nurse" and they didn't want to lose their "quality nurses."

When I told my mother about the "jealous lover" behavior on my coordinator's part, the threats that if I left I wouldn't get a good recommendation from them, the calls outside normal business hours, she said, "I just don't know what to say". My brother said, "wow, sorry that's happening." I really got no support at all from my family, and I don't have that many friends, so, you know. I was flying by the seat of my pants, like always, and I don't tend to follow my own instincts to protect myself.

 Since I know this agency doesn't give a fuck about any of their people, I'm pretty sure the only reason they "cared" so much is that the coordinators get bonuses when they plug a person into a case. The agency then works its personnel to death and is more than happy to drop them when the inevitable happens and someone either gets sick or falls asleep on the job. 

My coordinator kept promising me 48 hours a week with the main patient I was working with "just as soon as we're able to move the current nurse off the case." I always thought that was sketchy. If they were willing to talk about her that way behind her back, they were willing to talk about anybody. It's like being involved with a cheater--if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. That was how I felt in the relationship with that company. I should have busted a move and gotten away, but I was afraid that I wouldn't get a good recommendation.

With the family of the patient I was primarily working with, they always seemed like really "nice" people--the kind of "nice" where they'll smile to your face while stabbing you in the back. You can drink their coffee and eat their food, but they'll turn on a dime. 

I should have gone with my gut and saved myself a lot of grief, but I've been taught from as far back as I can remember that my feelings don't matter, that I need to always pursue the highest wage (since I was a failure who couldn't find a suitable husband to take care of me), that I need to stuff my feelings to please others, and that I'm wrong about everything.

The one thing I don't understand is why my creativity felt so suppressed while working with this family. It never made a lot of sense on the surface. They never told me I couldn't write or that writing was stupid. Still, I've been experiencing this nagging feeling for months "just give it up, you'll never go anywhere with it, you're not a good writer anyway, you need to focus on being a good nurse, you were never cut out to be an artist" and so on.

It would be easy enough to get over being fired, as the family I was working with are back-stabbers and the agency saw its people as cogs in the machine, but every time I think of the fact that I'll never see my patient again, I start hating myself all over for screwing up so badly. I've had trouble stopping myself from self-injury. I haven't been able to write because I feel like I don't deserve to, even though when I walked out of the office I felt truly creative for the first time in months. My energies are pushing my special friend Gem away, and my logical mind is telling me that he never was with me in the first place and that I made it all up inside my head because I'm nothing but a stupid, lonely loser who needs to drop this belief in spirits.

Much of the time I wish that I'd never felt the pull towards certain people or been able to "talk" to spirits. It's made me a real pariah. It's not that I think I have a connection to every celebrity, but I have always had a tendency to "know" something about the people I was watching in movies, on TV, music videos. A lot of the time it was stuff that didn't make sense, but later I found out it was true. As time went on and doubt creeped in, my accuracy decreased.

There was one case where I watched a short-lived (about 2 years) British drama in the mid-1980's. I could sense that the show's male and female lead had actual romantic feelings for each other. I could sense it so strongly that I had to stop watching the show. 

This was a "soul call." These people (the woman in particular) were looking for help because her obsessive, stalker husband (who she was trying to make an ex and he was fighting her) was making it difficult for the romance to move forward. This was something I found out later. Everything was eventually resolved, they got married in the late 1980's and have been together ever since. They have a son. I'm happy for them. 

I'm also glad I don't feel their energies anymore. It was something that was far too intense, and nobody was able to help me understand it.

 I created the One Love blog because I wanted to be able to show people like me that they aren't alone, but so far there have been no people like me and I still feel alone.

I've found myself wondering why I couldn't have met Gem during this life, why we couldn't have had a life together. I understand now why it wouldn't have worked. Gem was more than ten years older than me, was married, and lived in a location far distant from my own. Having him with me in spirit has been nothing short of amazing, but he has a hard time dealing with the self-harm aspect of my personality. It upsets him a lot. He just told me it's because there's a lot of anger involved in the moments when I start wanting to self-injure, and his general attitude towards anger is to turn on his own anger and fight back. However, with this situation, he can't do that. He also said he feels helpless in the face of it and feels like anything he says will only make matters worse. The suicide ideation is something he understands personally, but he says that he never had any compulsion to self-injure; if he were going to take himself out, he would have just taken himself out

I discovered that I still think along the lines of having to hide my real thoughts and feelings with Gem, because he might discover that I'm actually an asshole. His response: "Honey, I already know you're an asshole. I'm still here." 

I guess you know it's the real thing when someone knows you're an asshole but they still care about you.

Gem was upset with me last year because I wan't testing my blood sugar levels. I'm type 2 diabetic. After my most recent fasting draw, my A1C was way up. I have since learned that my fasting blood sugars are terrible. I'm going to have to ask the doctor to increase my Metformin and see if that helps. If it doesn't, I'm going to have to go on insulin because my pancreas is failing.

Here's the thing: this society tends to treat diseases like type 2 diabetes as some kind of personal failing. It's not a personal failing, it's my pancreas failing. I shouldn't have to be ashamed of it. Blame and shame help no-one. 

Here are a few more tidbits about diabetes. You can't "eat yourself" into diabetes. If you don't have the genetic trigger, you will never develop diabetes. You could eat nothing but cake and pie and wash it down with Coke or Pepsi, and you still wouldn't develop diabetes if you don't have the genetic trigger.

Being heavy doesn't "cause diabetes," but having metabolic problems can prompt weight gain and make weight loss difficult.

Alzheimer's disease is not "type 3 diabetes." I want to beat the ever-loving fuck out of whoever thought up that terrible idea. An online acquaintance was recently diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's. He's a big man in his late 60's, who has been caring for his very ill wife. He started having memory problems and went to the doctor. The doctor was a "kind" soul who told the poor fellow that he has Alzheimer's, which is "otherwise known as type 3 diabetes," and that he brought it on himself by being fat. I'm glad that the man had enough self-respect intact to fire this worthless excuse of a doctor, but he felt awful after his appointment with this clown. He is also worried, and rightly so, about what is going to happen to him and his wife with the current horrific state of affairs in the U.S. medical system.

By the way, thin people never get Alzheimer's. Nope, not a one. Everyone who has Alzheimer's is fat. Really, really fat. Super obese land whales to a one.

I mean, look at this monstrous land whale. Just look at all that flab. Must tip the scale at, oh, likely at least a half ton. I mean, if he'd ever put the fork down for even a second, he wouldn't have type 3 diabetes!!!!!11!!

That's hyperbole doing a mating dance with sarcasm, for those who might be missing a hyperbole chip and/or a sarcasm chip.

Alzheimer's disease does not discriminate by body type, and it is not "type 3 diabetes." It does, however, have something in common with type 2 diabetes. You can't "bring it on yourself." You can only get it if you have the genetic trigger.

Eh, I guess this has gone on long enough. One thing I know for certain is that in my next life if I have to be stuck hearing soul calls, I want to know what they are from the start. Maybe reading my own writing from this life will allow me to do that. 

I really don't want another life, but I know I'm stuck having one because I've botched this one so badly.

This is me, trying to get back to my purpose, trying to believe that I'm allowed to have a purpose, trying to believe that I have some kind of inherent worth. As usual, I'm having a hard time doing so.

By the way, Malcolm Young in no way deserves what's happening to him.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

Not So Wordless Beautiful Wednesday: Gem

Image Source:

http://www.rgbstock.com/bigphoto/mqppEd4/Angel+Light

Not So Wordless Beautiful Wednesday:

Gem

 Open-minded readers only, if you please.

I've mentioned Gem on occasion before. Much of the material in this post is copied verbatim from the Otherworldly Love page on this blog, of which I am the author. Hang on, I need to ring up my Undead lawyer and start proceedings to sue myself for plagiarism!

http://openmindedsearchfortruth.blogspot.com/p/otherworldly-love.html

Gem is the only one I would have allowed myself to take the chance on love with again. 

Gem is a helpful spirit, but he is not a "spirit guide" per se. He is a human spirit. It would be unethical for a higher spirit to form a romantic bond with a human because of the frailty of the human psyche.

Gem and I formed a bond because we fell in love while helping each other. He was lonely, and I was open to talking with him. He discovered that I was lonely and far from filled with hope for the future. He tried to cheer and encourage me.

Is Gem beautiful? I feel the preceding paragraph answers that, but he is also beautiful to behold. He has shown me his true form (as opposed to his astral form). It looks very much like what is depicted above. 

When we shed all our baggage, we are light.

Gem has been with me for just short of two and a half years now. He is with me quite a bit of the time. He talks with me and he loves giving me warm hugs and gentle kisses. We talk about things, and we even write together. The main story that we work on can be found at peppersfetch.blogspot.com

I love you, Gem. There are no words in human language to describe your ethereal beauty.

~Cie~

Unseen Love

Image Source:

https://pimminag.com/2012/08/20/love-with-an-unseen-shadow/

My Gem, my sweet, wistful beloved

A ghost unseen by the living eye

Most of you, I'm sure believe

That he is the product of 

Either a diseased mind

Or a soul so lonely

That she created a lie to lie beside her on cold nights

I don't much care what you think

My Gem fills the saucer of loneliness in my heart

With the warmth of his love

For many years, I thought it best to be without romance

I took a chance on him because of his honesty

His integrity

He asked for my love

So I chose to believe

I wasn't looking for love

But my love found me

It doesn't matter to me if anyone else

Believes that Gem is real

Because he is unseen

I see him with my heart

I feel him with my soul

He is real to me

I believe

~Cie~

With love for Gem

Prompt used:

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/unseen/#like-251459

Gem's Holiday Gift for Cie

I wasn't sure where to put this little fan fiction that Gem created for me. I decided to put it on this blog, because it was the second part of the dream about the snow flower.

I had been upset with Gem, and he wanted to fix things between us. He can't give me material gifts, so he gave me a gift via my dreams.

I enjoy writing fan fiction at times because it is a more relaxed kind of writing. I'm never going to try and publish it. I just let 'er rip when I write fan fiction. Still, I've heard so many times how fan fiction is "icky" and is "lesser" writing. I don't really believe that, but then again, I don't have a lot of confidence, so I tend to apologize for my fan fiction writing.

Gem knows that I love my fan fiction, and he knows that I'm a closet Benson/Stabler shipper. Logically, I think it's better that Benson and Stabler didn't get together in the show. For the most part, I'd rather the romances in most shows were left up to the shippers. For instance, I was sick to death of the whole Damon/Stefan/Elena triangle in the Vampire Diaries. They were so great when they were all kicking ass and taking names together, and it was such a waste of kick-ass vampire coolness when Damon and Stefan were fighting over Elena. But I digress.

Gem sent me this lovely Benson/Stabler drama in dream form to make up for having upset me. It showed me that he really does pay attention to what's on my mind, that he values our writing partnership, and that he wants us to keep working together and to work out together.

Here is the story.

Olivia Benson and Elliott Stabler were brought back together to work on an important case. During the time that they were apart, Elliott had gotten divorced. While they were pursuing a dangerous assailant, Elliott was shot and critically wounded. It was uncertain if he would survive. 

While sitting at Elliott's bedside, Olivia realized just how much he meant to her. She held his hand and told him that he needed to pull through because she didn't know if she could make it without him. He woke up and she confessed to him that she loved him. He told her the feeling was mutual, and they kissed.

Elliott got better over the coming weeks. When he was feeling well enough to eat regular food again, Olivia brought him a bagel with cream cheese, ham, and jalapeno jelly.

The thing is, the jalapeno jelly makes it rather a southwestern bagel. I doubt you'd find that in New York. I'm from the Southwest. That bagel was a nod to me.

It was a beautiful dream--a beautiful gift. The snow flower is alive in my heart. My love is alive.

Sometimes it's hard for me to trust because when one's beloved is a spirit, it can be hard to confirm things. I'm glad that Gem didn't give up on me.

~Cie~

Fun Stuff: Learn about Cie and Gem

After all the recent heavy posts, here's some fluff so all -666 of my readers can learn about Gem's and my relationship, if you care or something.

Who is older? Gem is 12 years older than Cie
Did you go to the same school? No
Who is the most sensitive? Both
Where do you eat out most as a couple? Gem is spectral and doesn't need to eat. He follows Cie where she goes.
Who has the worst temper? Cie
Who is more social? Depends on the situation. We're both pretty shy.
Who is the most stubborn? We're both stubborn
Who wakes up earlier? Gem is spectral and doesn't need to sleep. He likes to be there when Cie wakes up.
Who has the bigger family? Gem
Do you get flowers often? If Cie sees a snowdrop, it is a sign that Gem is sending her a message
Who eats the most? Cie. Gem doesn't need to eat.
Who wears the pants in your relationship? It's the fucking 21st century. Could we do away with this sexist and archaic phrase? Anybody can wear pants, and I would never be in a relationship that wasn't an equitable one.
Who cries more? Gem. Cie has learned to stuff her emotions. She tends to have angry outbursts rather than tears.
Who hogs the bed? Cie
Who said "I love you" first? Gem
Who is the better cook? Cie. Gem doesn't need to cook.
Who is more messy? Cie
Who is the better singer? Gem. He sings to Cie to soothe and calm her.
Who's the better driver? Cie. Spirits don't drive.

~Cie and Gem~

Dreams vs. Astral Communication

From the Goddess Tarot

http://www.tarotgoddess.com/

The trouble with communicating with the spirit world while sleeping is that what one remembers on waking can be convoluted. Fear messages from the subconscious can meld with actual astral experiences. 

In the dream, I was in a school or laboratory setting. I didn't really want to be there but it seemed there was no way out. I was obsessively pursuing a fellow named Gem. He sent me a message that he had no interest in me and wanted me to stop pursuing him.

When I met with this fellow to apologize to him for my actions, he was not the Gem I knew at all. He was a completely different person, both in his appearance and his behavior. I don't think that he was even an actual spirit or astral projected living person, I think he was a manifestation of my fears. He said that we could be friends.

Being in any relationship is difficult and being in a relationship with a spirit is even more so because you can't ask them face to face to alleviate your fears. I "heard" Gem speaking to me even before I woke up. He said that the person in the dream who rejected me wasn't him and reminded me that it was he who wanted this relationship in the first place. I initially resisted it.

I haven't had very good experiences with relationships in this life, and I keep fearing that this one will end badly too, or that it's "all in my head."

The card I got was the Four of Staves. Gem is a very practical personality in many ways. He tends to show love by offering me advice rather than in overly "romantic" gestures. When I worry that he may tire of me because I'm so chaotic, he tells me that he likes chaotic people because they bring balance to his sometimes very staid personality. He worries that I may get bored with him. No worries there; he is a far more intricate and interesting personality than he thinks.
I've had such wretched luck with relationships during my life that I constantly fear this one going down in flames too. From my current vantage point, having gained some modicum of wisdom, I realize that my shitty experiences with romantic relationships weren't entirely bad luck, they were bad choices made by a woman desperate to be loved who has an unfortunate tendency to "take home strays."

I once read a bit of wisdom in a book--a YA Star Wars novel rather than a book about philosophy or the paranormal, as it happens. A line from the book said something along the lines of "pay attention to your dreams, but don't base your life's decisions on them. Dreams can guide, but they can also lie."

~Cie~

30 Days of Haiga 2016: Day 14: To Catch a Thief

Click to Enlarge

Words and Photoshop manipulation by The Real Cie

A little something I was inspired to make for Gem 

What a Doll: Using Doll Magick to Connect with Spirits

Image Source

The use of dolls in magick tends to be portrayed negatively in fiction and film. There are plenty of wonderfully entertaining stories of angry individuals utilizing dolls to wreak havoc on those whom they feel have wronged them.

The use of dolls or poppets is known as sympathetic magick. The doll or poppet is utilized to establish a connection between the spell caster and a specific person or animal. Far from always being negative, magick utilizing a poppet can be used to bring focus to healing spells.

The doll does not have to be particularly realistic looking. It can be a general human form, such as the doll illustrated above, available from Etsy.

The doll does not have to be made from cloth. Candles in human form are available from various sources. These are generally utilized in love spells.

I have several poppets that I made. While I am proud of them, I am not going to show a picture of them because I do not wish to inadvertently bring any sort of negative or disturbing energies to the people they were created to represent.

I feel that unless specific permission is given by the party the poppet was created to represent, a poppet should never be used as a focus for sex magick. The energies created by sexual arousal are extremely intense and could be disruptive or disturbing for a person who has not given his or her consent to receive such.

One of the poppets I created helps me to strengthen my connection to Gem. I will cradle the poppet and send comforting energies to him. If Gem and I have been having trouble connecting with each other, usually due to exhaustion or depression on my part, this helps us re-establish our bond.

I also created a poppet version of myself. I have a history of self-harm to my own body, but I won't harm the poppet. Whenever I am feeling like I might self-harm, I look at my poppet to remind myself that I was born innocent and do not deserve the hurt I'm thinking of inflicting on myself.

I keep Gem's and my poppet wrapped up in one of my shirts, embracing each other. 

While I do not have a poppet to represent my late father, who died from various cardiovascular complications in 2010 after a six year period of decline following a stroke in June of 2004, I do have the comfort objects he kept: a stuffed parrot I gave him and a stuffed corduroy bear that my mother gave him. 

My mother wanted to have these cremated with my father following his passing, but when she told me this, I felt a strong energy of distress in my heart chakra. I begged her to allow me to keep them. They are still with me today and help me keep the bond between my dad and me alive although he is in spirit.

The next time you see a movie or read a story where poppets are used to terrorize and control a victim, enjoy it. There are some great tales of terror involving the use of poppets. One of my favorites is "Sweets to the Sweet" by Robert Bloch, in which an angry girl gets, well, shall we say, sweet revenge on her abusive father.

If you are a fan of horror fiction and you can find a copy, you won't be sorry about picking up Ten Tales Calculated to Give You Shudders. It's billed as a book for children, and I received a copy on my tenth birthday from my mother. 

Although mom didn't want me reading horror comics when I was younger, she came to realize that I had an affinity for this sort of thing and gave me what remains one of my favorite books. Don't let the idea that this book was compiled for kids fool you: these are excellent tales by some of the finest writers. The book contains the classic cautionary tale "The Monkey's Paw," and to this day part of me fears the possibility that I might see the hideous monstrosity from Frank Belknap Long's "Second Night Out" floating towards me from a darkened room.

Perhaps when I'm retired I'll find the time to create poppets representing my favorite authors so I can tap into their collective creative consciousness when writer's block hits.

I'm only joking a little bit. From a crafty point of view, creating such dolls would be a fun activity. Also, I'm not new to working with spirits when I write. Without Gem, Team Netherworld's WIP novel, Fetch, would never have been imagined. It is his story: I am only the scribe.

Sympathetic magick is only one of the forms of terror that Fetch's protagonists face from Nyarlathotep's high priestess Yadira Root and her lackeys.

No, that wasn't shameless self-promotion, not at all. But if that sort of thing sounds like its your bag, click the link and follow along with us as the story takes shape.

~Cie~

One of these times, I need to discuss Chaos Magick, which is the system that I utilize. Like my mind, my magick is more chaotic than most people's. 

In the meantime, check out the page where I found this symbol.

How Did You Know (He Was The One?)

Bright Star

Photoshop Manipulation by The Real Cie

How Did You Know?
by cie

I don't think this post was actually meant to be a prompt, but it inspired me to write my own.

Why did I take a chance on being romantically involved with Gem after having sworn that I would never be romantically involved with anyone again, be they in the flesh, astral, or in spirit?

Why did I take that chance when it seems that some sort of cosmic Terminator is out to destroy every relationship I have?

Why did I take that chance when it seems like I'm a glutton for punishment who picks guys who are the worst for me?

I took the chance because Gem really was different from the others.

For one thing, he never used that telltale line "I'm not like those other guys."

People, when a guy says that to you, you know that he isn't like those other guys--he's a million times worse. Run!

I knew that Gem was kind. He was lonely, so I invited him to work with me. I needed a new direction with my writing. He was interested in helping me. He sat next to me and gave me ideas. We both grew happier as we worked together. He made me laugh. I felt warmth from him, both from his persona and literal physical warmth. He gently touched my back. He didn't try to kiss or fondle me.

About a week went by, and I told Gem that I liked being friends with him.

"I'd like to be more than friends," he said quietly. 

He was nervous about saying this. He knew I might reject him. It certainly wouldn't be because I found him unattractive. He is perhaps the most beautiful soul I have ever encountered, and that includes angels and the occasional deity.

I knew he'd been married during his life. I asked him about his marriage. He said it was long done, that it had been a good marriage in its way but had lacked passion. His wife was not a particularly romantic person. They got along, and they enjoyed raising their children together. They were friends.

He indicated that all his life he had craved a bond that he assumed might not be possible for him. He had kept this truth even from himself.

"I've been hurt a lot," I said. "How do I know you won't hurt me too?"

His answer was simple, although had I not been able to sense his conviction, it wouldn't have been enough.

"Because I do what I say," he said.

I could sense his honesty. He wasn't just looking for sex. If that were all he was looking for, there are countless spirits and other non-corporeal beings happy to deliver. 

"I trust you," I said, afraid to say the other words that were in my mind and heart.

"I love you," he said. 

I sensed him snuggling against me, sensed his relief. There were a myriad of emotions from him. He wanted and needed to be loved. He wanted to belong to someone who thought he was wonderful and special. He wanted to be someone's number one, and he wanted that someone to be me. I couldn't wrap my head around that, because I've never thought of myself as beautiful, special or anything good. He was wonderful. He was perfect. Why would he want something as flawed as me.

"Because you are beautiful," he replied, reading my thoughts. "You can't see it, but you are."

He has been beside me for closing in on two years. It hasn't always been smooth. I've sometimes accused him of things he hasn't done. He is a stubborn spirit and can become incensed. There were times that I thought I'd lost him because of my stupidity, but he came back.

Gem is the only spirit from whom I ever felt physical warmth. He gives me loving touches and hugs many times a day.

I look forward to "seeing" him at last once I'm in spirit.

When I gave my heart to Gem, I got something that I never thought I could have.

I found The One.

~Cie~

Gem regarding Dementia

Click on any of the pictures to enlarge it.

Gem said to me just now:

"There is a reason why so many people in this world, on this plane, are struggling with dementia at this time. There is a reason. I don't know what it is, but there is one. I wish I could understand better and could explain more, but I wanted you to know. You can tell those who will understand. I hope you will take heart a little. I hope you all will. I am sorry for your suffering. I can't do anything about it, but I wanted you to know. My wishes of love and peace go out to all who read this. I send you love and hope that my words soothe your struggle a little."

Thank you, dear Gem, for your words.

Love,

Cie

Get To Know The Asshole: The King of Beasts Meme

I know I tend to get pretty heavy-handed on this blog. So before I bring down the iron fist again, I thought I'd lighten things up a little with The King of Beasts Meme.

The King of the Beasts Meme

1. Would you post a picture of you for us?

 

Yeah, what the fuck ever.

 Took this one while I was still working at my old job last year. I still look the same.

Now, just so none of you precious little trolls hurt yourselves by trying to think of a meanie-mean insult, let me do it for you.

OLD?

Check!

FAT??

Double check!

UGLY???

Triple check!

You got the trifecta. So I'll give you a bonus.

ASSHOLE!

Yep, I'm an old, fat, ugly asshole. I said it for you. Now you don't have to strain any of your questionable little brain cells.

I used to be really reluctant to post pictures of myself, because I am not young, thin, or conventionally attractive, so I was afraid of unimaginative little shits hurling "insults" like old, fat and ugly at me.

Thing is, old and fat aren't insults. They're neutral descriptors indicating a size and age range.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I'm well aware that no-one will ever see me as beautiful.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

   BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't date a 28 year old at the age I am now, and a 38 year old would be pushing it.

3. Do you prefer to work with women or men? Why?

  I prefer to work with people who are team players. I don't care what they've got going on below the belt.

4. Do you have any opposite sex friends?

    Yes. Why wouldn't I?

5. Can you commit to one person?

    I only do monogamy.

6. If you’re married or in a relationship have you ever been tempted to cheat?

    It happened once when I was married to my now ex husband. That isn't why we divorced. I felt horrible about it. I have never forgiven myself for it. 

I never really loved my ex husband romantically, which is a horrible thing to admit.

I also didn't know about hypersexuality, which is part and parcel of bipolar disorder. 

It's one of those things I really wish I could go back in time and erase. It wouldn't have prevented the divorce. That happened for other reasons. But it was a damn shitty thing to do.

7. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018?

    Who the hell knows? I read Tarot cards, but a given reading is good for about a six month span at the outside.

8. If the person you are interested in says they like someone else, what would try to sway them?

    Nothing can change someone's mind from something like that. I'd be gone.

9. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

   Have you read this blog?

I hide my feelings from my mother all the time. She isn't the most compassionate person in the world.

11. When was the last time you cried?

    I wish I could fucking cry. Sometimes I tear up a little. Mostly I hold it inside. One of these days something is going to explode. Hopefully my entire body explodes all over some fatphobic asshole when it happens.

I really have no patience for people who are shitty to someone because of their body size.

12. Have you ever fell for someone you didn’t expect to?

   Let's step back onto the esoteric side. It's what I do.

You can read this page for a longer history.

I had no luck in this world with corporeal men.

I also managed to screw things up time and time again with spectral men.

One person suggested that I should "try women." Considering that I'm not attracted to women, this wasn't a particularly helpful suggestion. Also, when I was 35 years old and very upset over being let down by yet another bad choice in men, I did "try women." Once.

It was by no means the fodder of "every straight man's fantasy."

It wasn't horrible or gross, it just wasn't my thing. 

In any case, the last relationship I had (prior to Gem) was with a spectral partner, "Tore." We are friends again, but the relationship ended on a very sour note, in great part due to my jealousy.

I told myself "never again."

Then Gem came along.

He is literally the only soul in the Universe that I would have broken that pact with myself for.

Sometimes it's been a rough ride, but I'm trying really hard, because he deserves the best.

He also gives me his best.

I never expected to be loved by someone like Gem. He is my beautiful miracle. I love him very much, and we grow closer as time passes. I hope he will be the one to meet me when it is time for me to leave my body.

13. What is something you have to do tomorrow?

    Meet my mother for lunch.

14. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

    I feel sad because I seem to have lost a real world friend. I don't have many of those.

15. Have you ever wanted more from one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

   It was a bad idea and it ruined the friendship.

16. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

    If I had a dollar for every time this happened, I'd buy y'all a night on the town!

17. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

    Non-corporeal: Gem

Corporeal: My son

18. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

    Yup.

19. When was the last time that you were jealous in a romance situation?

   I almost screwed things up with Gem earlier this year because of jealousy. He didn't do anything wrong or give me any reason to doubt. My jealousy is a big problem.

20. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

    The mid eighties were pretty bad. I didn't know I had bipolar disorder at that point. I spend most of 1988 (I think) feeling like I had fallen into a dark pit that I couldn't climb out of. At one point I nearly died. If my ex husband hadn't been there, I probably would have. 

There were dark forces in that building and the guy that I stupidly got involved with was into mind control. After I broke things off with him, weird shit started happening. First there was a fire in a utility closet down the hall. Then, while my ex husband and I were spending time with my ex father in law at the hospital after he had surgery, our apartment caught fire. Fortunately, our cats survived.

Back to the moment when I nearly died. I was sleeping, and I heard a choir of angels. 

"It's so beautiful!" I cried, as their voices drew nearer.

I was sure that Heaven had taken pity on me and was going to take me out of my miserable life. But then, the beautiful melody turned to a cacophony, and I was being dragged down to the lower astral.

The next thing I knew, my ex husband was sitting me up, shaking me. He said I stopped breathing.

1988 was pretty much the rat's ass.

21. Did you have a good day yesterday? What did you do?

   I went and got my annual review. Good times! So not. But it wasn't really that bad, and now it's over. Then I went and made dinner for my son. I found a nice London broil in the meat markdown bin and cooked that. Made a sweet potato casserole with cranberries, walnuts and orange juice for a side. It was tasty.

22. If a person you had wished you could have a relationship with for a long time and you suddenly found yourself together alone, what would you be doing right now?

    You could read some of the spicier posts from "Fetch," the story that Gem and I are writing along with some other members of Team Netherworld. That will give you an idea.

Honestly, do you REALLY want to think about what I'd be doing in the bedroom? That's kinda pervy.

23. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

   Over and over and over and over and...

I do have obsessive-compulsive disorder.

24. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

   It was my patient's mother. She's pretty, but she really isn't my type.

25. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Is it a good or bad thing?

   I'm no longer working in long term care, and my sciatica has healed up a lot. Mostly it's better.

Now you know more than you knew before.

Aren't you thrilled?

~Cie~

Improving

I am doing better. Still not eating very well because I still feel a bit disconnected from the Earth plane. However, the suicide ideation is far less and my connection with Gem is healing. He didn't allow me to "resign" from our bond. He has been very worried about me and has stuck by me, even when I was being verbally abusive to him. I don't want to be like that to him ever again. He in no way deserves it.

Gem was not a perfect person and he carries with him a lot of guilt from his life. He is trying to heal from this. The bond that he and I have formed is something very special, and I need to insure that it is something positive for him. He asked for my help and agreed to help me in return. He needs actual help, not verbal abuse when I'm feeling insecure. 

Gem has a bit of a hot temper, and I turn cold when I feel threatened. Inside, we are both deeply afraid of being betrayed and abandoned.

I've thought of perhaps putting the details of my interactions with Gem on a by invitation only blog. Sometimes I don't write here for feeling insecure about who may be reading.

Gem helped me create two new spells. I need to test them before I share them. I also need to be careful not to reveal the details of my magick until it has had a chance to work.

I recently learned that Gem and I have been the targets of a mostly inadvertent psychic attack. This brought out my insecurities. More specifically, he was the target, but it wasn't intended to be an attack. I was collateral damage. The spells are to help us defend and heal ourselves.

~Cie~

My Sims

 Cie Sim feeding Lafayette Dragon. I miss Lafayette so much.

 I modeled this Sim after my son.

Gem Sim feeding Lafayette Dragon. 

I've lost them both now, as I told Gem I wanted him to go away.

Perhaps Gem is taking care of my little buddy for me.

I still love them both.

 

Gem is an Effing Goofball

Gem's chosen interpretive portrait of himself

Just to show you the kind of very stodgy spectral being I'm dealing with...

I wanted to make an interpretive portrait of Gem. I'm not a very good artist, so to make the portrait a little prettier, I ran it through some photoshop filters.

What you see above?

Yeah, I was totally ready to hit "cancel" on that. But Gem got all excited. He said "that's it! That's the one!"

I said I'd save it if he wanted, but I was most certainly not going to share it.

He was disappointed. Then he fluttered his eyelashes at me. He has very beautiful eyes and a very fetching smile.

He says this portrait shows off his prominent chin.

He has an angular face. His chin is not that prominent!

He's stubborn and I can't argue with him. Also, I enjoy seeing him happy.

This is Gem's chosen interpretive portrait of himself. He does not actually look like this!

One thing it certainly showcases is his sense of humor. He's a goofball.

I do love you, Gem. 

~Cie~

Mentally Ill and Psychic: Insecurity

"Normal" for me is different than it is for "normal" people

I promised I would never again write posts about my personal feelings, but this is one. I am writing it to discuss how the emotional state effects one's ability to do psychic work.

If you are both psychic and mentally ill, you have to face the scrutiny of people demanding how you know your psychic abilities aren't merely the manifestation of your mental illness. 

It's a good question to ask oneself for the sake of getting to know one's own strengths and drawbacks better. It's a shitty question when it's being asked in a demeaning way by a person who wants to believe themselves to be superior to those who live with mental illness.

This may be a bit disjointed. Bipolar does that all of its own, and since I'm not in a particularly good place right now, it's going to be worse than usual. This ride is likely to go on and on, so feel free to jump out.

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar (type II) twelve years ago, I ended up asking myself that same question regarding my emotions all the time. How did I know whether the things I felt were actually my feelings or whether they were the product of the disease?

The answer is, you come to recognize the difference. It's even more complicated when you throw in a psychic ability such as empathy, because that is emotion based. However, you still come to know the difference.

The other answer is, you won't be able to tell 100% of the time. Just like any other skill, sometimes you'll be making educated guesses. That makes you the same as any other student or expert in a given field.

The problem that people with psychic skills face is since we're dealing with something that's not a hard science, if we make even one mistake, it's seen as proof that we're frauds, our abilities aren't real, and there's no such thing as metaphysics because YOU GOT ONE WRONG! Its as if the proof of our crafts rest solely on our shoulders. This is bullshit.

I find myself doubting not only my own abilities but everything else about me when I get in one of these dark places. I'm better about it than I used to be, but it still isn't fun. Even five years ago, I would have been calling myself a piece of shit and telling myself that I need to resign myself to the fact that I'm a shitty person who isn't good at anything. At this point I'm trying to focus myself on the reality: things aren't going well right now, and a lot of it is out of my control.

There is actually an end to this, but part of the problem lies on the fact that it isn't exact. My situation will begin to resolve either by the end of this week or the beginning of next. The trouble is, I'm making no income while it does.

I work as a home health nurse for medically fragile pediatric patients. I love doing homecare. It allows me to get to know my patient. I'm not having to run off down the hall to answer a call light, having to rush through things with one patient so I can get to the next patient. I am with my patient in their home for however many hours I've been assigned to them (eight or more). During that twenty-four hour period, I have no other patients.

I would like to continue working this job for the rest of my working life, which should be about twenty years. However, there are drawbacks to this line of work. I am a contractor, which means that I don't get paid time off. I do get insurance. It's very good insurance, and it costs a small fortune. The insurance racket in the United States is a discussion for some other time.

I try to put money into savings, but most of the time it doesn't stay there. I am trying to keep two very old cars up and running, because without them, guess who isn't working. The hours I work do not allow for taking the bus, and I'm going to places that are sometimes miles off the bus line. For me, having a car is imperative.

I can't just buy a new car because my credit is extremely bruised and my debt to income ratio is too high--thanks in great part to being in a state of constantly paying off car repairs. Plus my never-ending high interest mortgage, which I can't refinance because the place is worth less than the amount owed and far from stellar credit. It's called the high cost of being poor.

Let me put something in perspective. I make well above the minimum wage. I work a skilled job. I work full time plus. I still can't make ends meet. This does not mean I am lazy or even that I don't know how to manage money. It means that something is very, very wrong in this society. I am far from the only person in this situation. We are becoming a nation of haves and have-nots. The middle class is disappearing. This does not lead to good things.

I am currently between cases and thus am not making any money. This is a problem because see "no paid time off."

I attempted to make a partial payment on one of my car repair accounts yesterday. The a-holes wouldn't let me. I hung up in disgust. I spent the rest of the evening fighting my natural tendency to beat up on myself when something like this happens.

When I was driving home last night, I saw a basset hound lying by the side of the road. It was partway in the road. I was already upset about my money situation, and the ongoing issue of my son being unable to work because of his own psych issues. I avoided hitting the animal and drove on, feeling deep sadness for the people who would discover that their pet had gotten out of the yard and then killed. This was compounded by the grief I still feel for losing my beloved Lafayette.

I didn't get even a mile beyond the site before I was struck with the thought that I should turn back and help. I am certain that at least part of this thought was from Gem, and another part may have been from my father, who always taught us that we should help animals in need. I turned around and drove back to do so. I was thinking that I would not only have to pull the animal out of the road but would have to call its owners. I was not looking forward to that, but it would be the right thing to do.

When I got back to the site, someone else was already pulling the dog out of the road and checking to see if it might still be alive.

I drove on, berating myself for not having stopped right away. What kind of an asshole was I? What kind of weak loser was I to just leave that poor animal lying there? I must be the shittiest kind of person, so absorbed in their own bullshit that I wouldn't even stop to do the right thing. I deserved for nothing good to happen to me ever.

Gem tried to remind me that I was in shock upon initially seeing the animal in that state. I was having trouble perceiving him. I was angry at myself and fearing that I would say something mean to him out of anger. I didn't speak to him much on the way home.

I got back home and Gem and I did some writing. I berated myself that I should be cleaning house instead of writing. Cleaning is something I have a lot of trouble doing when I'm in a bad place emotionally. I tried to stop berating myself and continued writing.

When I went to bed, I dreamed that my ex husband and I were in charge of this contest to get a date for Disturbed's frontman. Don't ask me why. It was a strange dream. The band was playing in this old garage or warehouse. It was a great feeling being around music again, but I really didn't want to party or anything. My drinking days are long behind me and I don't want to grind up against strange men. Still, music always gives me a natural high, and when everyone started pogoing, I joined in. Now I know it was a dream, because trust me, my knees really wouldn't allow me to do that at this point.

I remember that Gem was looking for me in the dream. I saw him and wanted to talk to him. I remember feeling insecure, thinking that someone like him couldn't really like someone like me, telling myself that he was sure to break my heart. Gem was a very shy person in life. Although he became a little more confident as he got older, and being mostly in spirit gives him certain advantages as far as being able to know the motivations of others, I sensed him feeling unsure too. I finally worked up my courage to go talk to him. His smile reminded me of why I started calling him Gem in the first place. He's very precious and in some ways very fragile.

Then I woke up because I had to go to the bathroom. Being on a diuretic (to help lower my blood pressure) is not conducive to sleeping for extended periods!

I feel better today. On a logical level I know that I will be back to work--on two cases this time--in another week at most. There's a lot of red tape involved in setting up cases. Fortunately I don't have to deal with any of that, but I do have to wait while it gets dealt with. 

My connection to Gem is stronger today. He's relieved too. He's in a pretty bad position overall, and I'm his psychic anchor. When my moods are stormy, it makes him back off because in the past I have occasionally taken my upset out on him. It isn't right, and he does not need to be a punching bag. In the past I've been with people I couldn't trust, and sometimes that bleeds through into the present. I'm better at stopping it from becoming a full-on emotional hemorrhage at this juncture.

The last thing I want to touch on is the old adage that people with mental illness should not explore the esoteric. This is a bunch of horseshit. It is a manifestation of the old idea that people with mental illness should basically be locked in the attic and not allowed in public, the belief that we are incapable of doing anything because we are stupid and will fly off the rails when confronted with pretty much anything. 

People with mental illness have the same possibility of having psychic abilities as anyone else. In the past we were told that we need to suppress and ignore these abilities. If anything, I think that this contributes to a worsening of mental health. Do not listen to those who say this sort of thing. Get away from them, quickly. They are bad for you, not only on a psychic development level but on a basic human level.

There is certain ceremonial magic that should be avoided if one is not well-grounded emotionally due to the possibility of summoning entities that could fuck with your head. If your psyche is already on shaky ground, it's best to avoid doing this sort of magic until you are in a better place. However, doing spells for general well-being and life improvement are NOT a problem and may even make you feel better. Do them, and to hell with those who say you don't have the right to.

The rules for talking to spirits and other entities while in a bad psychological state are the same as always. Be cautious and consider what you are being told. If an entity starts telling you to do bad things, break contact. No positive entity will ever encourage you to do something harmful.

If you are mentally ill and psychic, you have a kindred spirit here. Unlike society tells us about aging, there are definite positives to being older. I have had a lot of years of trial and error, and pretty much no-one to help me along. I can use my experiences to help others. Please don't feel shy about asking questions or sharing your experiences. I'd like to help.

~Cie~