The Cheese Grates It: Don't Use Health Conditions As Insults: Bipolar Disorder

Not my creation

This is a much more accurate illustration of what bipolar disorder actually looks like than the bullshit idea that people have when they say someone is "so bipolar." 

For my own part, I get hypomania rather than full mania. I've never been prone to doing things like taking my paycheck, flying to Las Vegas, gambling it all away, and marrying someone I've known for only a few hours. 

The kinds of things I've done in the past include getting into relationships with people who might as well be wearing a sign that says I'M AN ABUSER because I thought there was some sort of "supernatural pull" and then allowing him to do really awful things to me because hypersexuality tends to collude with self-loathing in extremely bad ways. 

In both the past and present I do things like take on extra work when I'm hypomanic, writing checks that my euthymic and/or depressive self can't cash, so to speak, and then crashing big time.

Before I was properly treated for bipolar disorder, the irritability and paranoia came close to ruining the one most important relationship in my life; the one I have with my son. I had a Jekyll and Hyde personality and when a kid doesn't know whether they're going to get the nice mom that lets them pick a toy from the toy closet or bids $200 on a basket of Beanie Babies for them at the school fund raiser or the mom who lectures them for two hours about some minor infraction, that is extremely stressful. 

I wish the truth about the disease had been discovered sooner, not only so I might have had a chance at pursuing a career that would have given me a good income (yes, it really is too late at this point) but more importantly so when my son was young he could have felt secure that Mom was going to be the person he needed, not the raging bitch who was going to rip him a new one for two hours because he didn't want to eat the god damn apple she packed in his lunch, or something stupid like that.

 At this point, I pretty much present as a porcupine, meaning that I might be defensive because I fear being attacked, but you wouldn't know that I have bipolar disorder unless I told you. I don't do outrageous things. I don't miss work because of my condition. 

My presentation doesn't radically switch suddenly from life of the party to gloomy. It sometimes does inside, but it won't show on the outside. I don't present as particularly mercurial. What you don't see is the constant battle that I have with myself. I know very well that I'm extremely different from other people. It is difficult for me to have actual friendships, and romantic relationships are entirely impossible.

The truth is, I make the decision whether or not to kill myself every day. Each day I weigh my options. Literally. I do this every day. A lot of people with this condition do. 

So, next time you're thinking about calling someone who is moody or mercurial "so bipolar", stop. Don't. Call them moody or mercurial if you must call them something. 

People with bipolar disorder aren't necessarily moody or mercurial, and people who are moody or mercurial may or may not have bipolar disorder. Don't make light of something that is a daily struggle for people.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~