Come As You Are Party: Wired Differently or Just a Flake?

Image by Wolfgang Eckert from Pixabay

This is my response(s) to a post on The Mighty.

It is my hope to back away from apologizing for who I am and instead explain about myself so that those I interact with might develop an understanding of those of us who are wired differently.

I have type 2 bipolar disorder and ADD as well as complex PTSD and OCD. I wasn't properly diagnosed with bipolar disorder or OCD until I was almost 40. I didn't know I had ADD until I was in my 50s. I was just always scolded for being forgetful and distracted. I have always vacillated between being Ms. Wonderful and being that flakey a-hole that everyone hates. I understand why it happens now, but I can't change the past. I wish people would try to understand me a little better, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

My son will be 30 this year. He is high-functioning autistic and has ADHD as well as anxiety issues and major depression. He is very intelligent and has read the entire Amber series (Roger Zelazny), much of Tolkien's writing, The Count of Monte Cristo, the works of C.S. Lewis, and the list goes on, but he can't learn from a textbook to save his life. I think the current educational system does a very poor job of addressing the needs of those who are not neurotypical. 

I technically also have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, but it is my opinion that borderline personality disorder is actually a form of complex PTSD and is an outdated and sexist diagnosis. It is almost exclusively applied to girls and women. Everyone who has it has endured some form of trauma, whether physical, psychological, sexual or a combination thereof. 

~Cie the Ornery Old Lady~

Image copyright Open Clipart Vectors

Troiku Challenge 2019: Day 12: White Valley Clouds

Image Source

after the rain

breathing deeply

white valley clouds

after the rain

not so much rain as spatters

it's still much too hot

breathing deeply

inhale the worry and fear

future uncertain

white valley clouds

seem to smirk at each other

telling lies of rain

Jane & Cie

Notes:

The "sleigh" of this Troiku was created by Jane Reichhold (1937 - 2016). The Three Horses of the Apocalypse are my doing--or possibly undoing.

The Cheese Grates It: High Anxiety

 

I have anxiety problems. 

This is one reason why I use Tarot cards rather than simply relying on my own clairvoyance.

I can't entirely trust my own unaided input. 

Every time I have done so, I've knocked it out of the ballpark.

Trouble is, the "it" I'm knocking out of the ballpark in these circumstances is usually a foul ball.

Here's the thing: when you've always been told that you're wrong and weird and stupid and no one likes you, you tend to seek out circumstances that will prove this to be true. You may (if you're me) be so unable to trust that anything good can happen to you that when it does, you sabotage it.

I also have PTSD, which is a manifestation of anxiety brought on by severe or continued upsetting, stressful, or frightening circumstances.

I don't really have much of anyone that I can bounce things off.

Anxiety can also trigger a hypomanic or mixed state and kick my paranoia into high gear. If ever there was a time when I can't trust my input, it's when this happens.

I'm looking into the possibility of using medical marijuana for treating my anxiety.

No, I'm not looking for an excuse to toke up. I actually don't like smoking marijuana.

However, I have paradoxical reactions to most prescription medications. SSRI's (the darlings of the psych industry) make me manic as all fuck, sometimes with psychosis. This isn't fun, and I don't enjoy it. I prefer to avoid it.

Most benzodiazepines induce anxiety for me. The only one that doesn't is diazepam (Valium). That one just makes me stupid as a brick. Two plus two equals huh? Why are you asking me to do trigamonometry, you bastard? Thanks, but no.

Marijuana oil works very well for people who have seizures, and some formulations have very little THC. You could smoke the entire plant that this oil comes from and never get high.

I don't enjoy depression, but I can deal with my depression better than I can with anxiety. When my anxiety takes over, that's when I'm going to do stupid shit that I'll regret later out of desperation. Better to take the edge off that shit before it happens.

Anxiety in high gear? Don't trust your input.

Another thing: making a mistake doesn't mean you are about as psychic as a brick. It means you made a mistake. 

I'm such a perfectionist that any time I make a mistake, I take it to mean that I'm bad at everything and deserve to be pelted with raw sewage. 

In my next life I think I need to be a sea cucumber. Sea cucumbers don't give one single fuck.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~