I have anxiety problems.
This is one reason why I use Tarot cards rather than simply relying on my own clairvoyance.
I can't entirely trust my own unaided input.
Every time I have done so, I've knocked it out of the ballpark.
Trouble is, the "it" I'm knocking out of the ballpark in these circumstances is usually a foul ball.
Here's the thing: when you've always been told that you're wrong and weird and stupid and no one likes you, you tend to seek out circumstances that will prove this to be true. You may (if you're me) be so unable to trust that anything good can happen to you that when it does, you sabotage it.
I also have PTSD, which is a manifestation of anxiety brought on by severe or continued upsetting, stressful, or frightening circumstances.
I don't really have much of anyone that I can bounce things off.
Anxiety can also trigger a hypomanic or mixed state and kick my paranoia into high gear. If ever there was a time when I can't trust my input, it's when this happens.
I'm looking into the possibility of using medical marijuana for treating my anxiety.
No, I'm not looking for an excuse to toke up. I actually don't like smoking marijuana.
However, I have paradoxical reactions to most prescription medications. SSRI's (the darlings of the psych industry) make me manic as all fuck, sometimes with psychosis. This isn't fun, and I don't enjoy it. I prefer to avoid it.
Most benzodiazepines induce anxiety for me. The only one that doesn't is diazepam (Valium). That one just makes me stupid as a brick. Two plus two equals huh? Why are you asking me to do trigamonometry, you bastard? Thanks, but no.
Marijuana oil works very well for people who have seizures, and some formulations have very little THC. You could smoke the entire plant that this oil comes from and never get high.
I don't enjoy depression, but I can deal with my depression better than I can with anxiety. When my anxiety takes over, that's when I'm going to do stupid shit that I'll regret later out of desperation. Better to take the edge off that shit before it happens.
Anxiety in high gear? Don't trust your input.
Another thing: making a mistake doesn't mean you are about as psychic as a brick. It means you made a mistake.
I'm such a perfectionist that any time I make a mistake, I take it to mean that I'm bad at everything and deserve to be pelted with raw sewage.
In my next life I think I need to be a sea cucumber. Sea cucumbers don't give one single fuck.
~The Cheese Hath Grated It~
2 comments:
Let me say that I love the graphic at the top of the post. I can relate to some of what you say here, too. Your third paragraph doesn't speak of mental illness, it speaks of conditioning. I can relate to that. My childhood was a nightmare. And, yes, PTSD.
I think that you need to discuss your meds with your doctors. I do not trust medical marijuana any more than I trust recreational. I think it is its own bag of tricks, and too many are still unknown. I could probably obtain it for my health issues, but do not want to go there. I have enough problems. You, and only you, can decide what is right for you. But, you need to seek some guidance on this. Take care of yourself.
I take no psych meds because of what they do to me. I take a low dose of Lithium, which can legally be purchased without a prescription. It takes the edge off the manic portion of the bipolar disorder. Therapeutic doses of Lithium are next to toxic. There's no need to take that much for it to be effective.
My patient's mother has been able to wean him off several very potent anti-seizure medications by using medical marijuana oil. He is now much more alert and his seizures are well in control. Marijuana gets a bad rap, thanks in great part to demonization by the Nixon administration.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know that psych meds leave me a worse mess than I already am, and I don't trust psychiatrists. One weekend locked in a hellhole with nasty people who treated those under their "care" like shit was far and away enough.
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