30 Days of Haiga 2017 Day 30 + OctPoWriMo 2017 Day 13: Suicide Ideation

Original background image:

Hannah Hoch, 1930

Words and text manipulation by The Real Cie

Notes:

With this image, I am caught up with 30 Days of Haiga. Too bad I can't use it for Inktober, which I am severely behind on, but that requires actually drawing something. I didn't draw (or paint) this.

The image references living with a mood disorder which includes suicide ideation. I've said it before, but it bears repeating, please respect me enough to know that, as a person of 52 years old and having at least average intelligence (even though I sometimes think I'm dumber than a box of rocks) who has lived with mental illness for her entire life, I know very well what meds are, what counseling is, and what an emergency room is. If I went to the ER every time I had a suicidal thought, I'd have to live there. I don't want to live there. 

When people tell me I should "think about seeing a counselor" or I should "consider getting on meds," it's pretty much the same as telling me that I should "consider seeing a doctor" because my blood sugar is elevated. Yes, I have diabetes. Insulin and metformin have worked pretty well for me, but sometimes, depending on what food is available and circumstances not entirely in my control, I may still have elevated (or diminished) blood sugar readings. As a veteran diabetic, I know the score with my blood sugar.

As a veteran of the mental illness wars, I also know the score. However, people tend to treat those with mental illness as if we are stupid children who don't know our own minds and bodies.

My life contains certain aspects that would probably depress a person who didn't have a screwed-up brain like mine which likes to exaggerate every emotion I feel. I work full time but don't have enough money to buy adequate food, which is crappy any time but has an added element of crappiness when you're diabetic. I "make too much money" to qualify for aid programs. When I started making "enough money," my Medicaid got cut off. I'm still behind on all the payments I fell behind on when I was underemployed after losing my job back in March. Like I said, GOOD FUCKING TIMES!

It seems that I no sooner catch up a little than something else comes along to run me over like a Semi barreling down a one lane road.

Last night I was thinking to myself "why don't I just do it? Nothing ever gets any better."

This thought wasn't one of the hyperbolic ones where I imagine flinging myself into a canyon a la Wile E. Coyote. I had some pretty realistic ideas on how to top myself. These are actually always in the back of my mind because I will utilize them toot sweet if I am ever diagnosed with dementia. I am not putting myself or my son through that shit, no way, no how.

Some folks will say "but the Conventional Wisdom when you're having suicidal thoughts is to go to Emergency Services."

As a veteran of the Mental Illness Wars, I can tell you that there's a myriad of reasons why that's the last thing many of us would do, one of them being the fact that I don't have the fucking time to be on a three-day psych hold. Guess what I wouldn't be making while I was in the psych ward arguing with a bunch of by the book types about the fact that SSRI's make me worse rather than better. That's right, a paycheck! I'm not stupid and I'm actually not delusional. Cold, hard logic dictates that I need money more than I need to seek help that isn't going to help me anyway.

The Haiga references the fact that on one hand I care very deeply and hurt very deeply. On the other hand, I've had so much pain in my life that I'm pretty well numb a great deal of the time. My heart feels like it's been shot full of Novocain which is wearing off. I hurt so much that I don't feel much anymore, and that hurts.

There's my story. I don't expect anyone to necessarily know how it feels, but I do expect respect for my experiences. 

No one would ever tell me to "stop being so hypothyroid," although, sadly, I'm sure a lot of people would be happy to tell me about the latest quack miracle cure, such as rubbing myself in black salt while standing on my head and drinking liquid Vaseline. It doesn't happen as much with hypothyroidism, but with diabetes, this is certainly something that happens quite often.

The point being, no-one would ever tell me to stop being so hypothyroid or even stop being diabetic (although they might tell me how I could cure my diabetes.) However, people think nothing of telling me and others like me to "just stop that stinkin' thinkin'," "just get on some meds," "maybe you need to go to church," "mental illness is caused by demons, wrong thoughts, bad karma," or one of my favorites, "stop looking for attention." 

I've also gotta love the people who post things like "how can anyone be a Negative Nellie when God has made such a beautiful world for us to live in? I just don't understand Teh Negativ Peepul!"

I used to feel really hurt and defensive when I saw such posts. At this point, I feel that these people are ignorant and lack empathy. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be wired to Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life. Even when I'm happy I'm always somewhat sad. I know that makes very little sense to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but it does not make me any less worthy of having a decent life than someone who is always Ms. Pollyanna Sunshine.

So, this is my last Haiga/Haibun for this year's 30 Days of Haiga. I can't say I hope you enjoyed reading it, but I do hope you might have learned something.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

The Cheese Grates It: Listen To Your Body, Not the Diet Industry

Image purchased from 123rf.com

While people should always have the autonomy to do as they see fit with their own bodies, I learned after many years of dieting, self-loathing, and eating disorders that reduction dieting a) does not work long term in most cases and only benefits the multi-billion dollar diet industry, and b) the majority of dieters gain back more weight than they originally lost. I literally had to stop dieting to keep myself from getting heavier.

I am very glad I found Health at Every Size at age 46. I wish I had found it sooner. 34 years of yo-yo dieting, bulimia, and self-loathing had taken a terrible toll on both my body and my psyche.

As a diabetic, I have to be mindful of carbohydrate intake, but I have found that glycemic impact is more important than the actual number of carbohydrates ingested. For instance, I don't tend to have a problem with beans, potatoes, corn or bread in moderation, but rice spikes my blood sugar. Everybody is different with this.

Regarding cravings, prior to treating my diabetes, I was ravenously hungry much of the time and, in our size-shaming culture, many doctors give the terrible advice of just ignoring the cravings. If a person has cravings, there is a reason for it. Your body isn't getting something it wants, and trying to shut it up by ignoring the hunger isn't healthy.

In my case, my body wasn't recognizing its own insulin anymore. Insulin resistance can both cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose weight. Anyone who is experiencing extreme, insatiable hunger should have their blood sugar and A1C checked rather than telling themselves they need more Won't Power to stick with their calorie count. Also, you can't eat yourself into diabetes, even if you eat nothing but cake all day every day unless you have the genetic trigger for diabetes.

I wish you well.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

Diabetes PSA

If you’re new to having to deal with diabetes, I want to offer you a virtual hug and let you know that you’re not alone. Particularly for type 2 diabetics, you may be wondering, as I did, “what did I do to cause this? Did I eat too much sugar? If I were thinner, would I not have gotten diabetes?”

Here’s what you did. You had the gene that triggers diabetes. People of all sizes get diabetes, and you can’t cause yourself to develop diabetes by eating too much sugar. Developing type 2 diabetes becomes more likely as a person ages. I am a proponent of the Health At Every Size approach (HAES) rather than a size normative approach. The number you need to be concerned with is the one on your glucose meter.

Many people are afraid that the needles we have to use to inject insulin or obtain a blood sample are going to hurt. The insulin needles are very small and I hardly feel them at all. A fantastic tip I learned from a friend is to inject into a stretch mark on your abdomen and you likely won’t even feel it. If you’re a woman who has had children, you likely have a few of these. Even if you don’t have any stretch marks, you aren’t going to feel much in the way of a stick. It isn’t like a vaccination, which has to go into the muscle. An insulin needle only has to reach the subcutaneous layer of fat, which even very thin people possess. I’ve experienced more pain plucking unwanted facial hair than I ever have injecting insulin.

Another thing to do is to take the insulin out of the refrigerator 1-2 hours before injecting it. Cold insulin can sting a little. Room temperature insulin doesn’t.

Modern blood testing strips require only a small amount of blood to get a reading. Obtaining the blood sample is somewhat more painful than injecting insulin, but is far from unbearable. I experience less pain from obtaining my blood sample than I do from removing the peach fuzz that likes to invade my upper lip. I test on the heel of my palm rather than my fingers. Most modern lancing devices come with a special cap so you can choose alternate site testing.

If you have been prescribed insulin, Google the name of the insulin’s manufacturer to see if they have a discount program. I am able to get my Lantus pens for $10 copay with their discount card. Otherwise, the cost would be $435 for five pens. If you’re really rich, that may be pocket change. For me, it’s a month’s worth of car payment, and I need my car.

Diabetes is a pain in the ass and it is a serious disease. However, I want to encourage you not to give up hope. You can do this!

Love,

Cie

Note: Not everyone will experience all of the symptoms depicted in the following PSA. It’s just a guideline.

For instance, in my case, always being tired didn’t trigger alarm, because I have hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia, which both contribute to fatigue. I didn’t experience an increase in yeast infections. I didn’t and still don’t have problems with wounds that don’t heal or neuropathy in my feet. I’m not a very sexual person in the first place, and my hand wasn’t complaining about my lack of interest in sex.

I was, however, constantly hungry and thirsty, I had to pee all the time, and I experienced blurred vision after meals.