The Cheese Grates It: Suicide Victims are Not Weak, Selfish, or Cowards

I just made something of a difficult decision to unfriend someone who has been an online friend for about 12 years. I didn't block this person, I don't hate them, but I really can't be friends with someone who expresses harsh opinions of people who commit suicide and is not willing to attempt to have sympathy for those who have made this desperate decision. 

Trigger warning for discussion of suicide and severe trauma

 Not everyone is wired exactly the same way. Some people naturally bear up under adversity better than others. Those who can't manage to get through are not bad people.

One of the experiences which caused me PTSD for years was the sight of a young autistic and severely mentally ill man with brain damage who could no longer continue the struggle and who blew the front of his forehead off with a shotgun.

 For years not a day went by that I didn't see that image in my mind. I never hated him for it. Most people had no idea the struggles this guy went through. The day came that he couldn't do it anymore.

I had to "flatten" the image and desensitize it so I would stop thinking of it all the time. It's the same thing I had to do with the last time I saw my father. He was a shell of his former self, lying in the bed in the hospice, not breathing and not moving. I was very stoic and didn't cry. I knew I would never see him again in this life when I left the room, but I had to leave. I was a zombie. I dreamed of that image of him and I didn't want to remember him that way, so I had to flatten the image in my mind.

When a person commits suicide, it causes trauma to those left behind. It's fair to be mad at the person. It's not fair to say they were weak or selfish or a coward.

Also, not everyone responds to the "magic pills" in the same way. Some people do very well with antidepressants, but not everyone is wired the same. My son had no response to them at all. For me, they made me manic and psychotic. I had a cousin who tried many medications and didn't respond to any of them. She ended up committing suicide. She was not weak, selfish, or a coward. She was at the end of the line and couldn't go on another day. What she did does not make her a bad person.

There is this tendency to believe that people who live with mood disorders aren't "trying hard enough." In fact, few people try harder to overcome their "stinkin' thinkin'" than people with mood disorders. If it was easy to break out of depression, nobody would be depressed. Who the fuck WANTS to be depressed?

Happy people are not "better" than people who are unable to be happy. I can count on one hand the times I've truly felt happy. I've been giddy, which is not the same as being happy. There is a peace that comes with actual happiness. Giddiness is a form of mania.

My baseline is moderately depressed. Over the past few years, I've realized that doesn't make me a lesser person than someone who is always happy. It is highly unlikely that I will ever become a person who isn't always at least a bit sad. This realization has lessened the suicide ideation to a degree, but the suicide ideation will also always be there. I don't need to "heal" and become a "bright light" to be worthy of respect and good treatment. If you believe in a higher power, maybe us "dark" sorts serve a purpose just as much as the social butterflies. Introspective people have a tendency to be both observant and empathic. That's hardly a bad thing.

If I commit suicide, it probably won't be because of my mood disorder. I can't say I'm friends with my mood disorder, but we've reached an understanding. I won't continually try to eradicate it, and it will quit trying to kill me.

No, if I commit suicide it will be because I am either in an intolerable state of physical pain or because I have developed dementia. If that happens, I will not tell anyone before I do it, I will just do it. No-one will know until after the fact. 

I would never say that someone who committed suicide for this (or any other) reason is "weak," "selfish," or a "coward.

If you're a person who can continue on in spite of adversity, great. Maybe that makes you a "better person" in some ways. But it doesn't make people who can't bad people who should be treated with disdain. 

A little empathy is in order. Maybe if you can't muster any, you should be questioning why your beliefs about people who are suffering are so harsh.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

30 Days of Haiga 2017 Day 30 + OctPoWriMo 2017 Day 13: Suicide Ideation

Original background image:

Hannah Hoch, 1930

Words and text manipulation by The Real Cie

Notes:

With this image, I am caught up with 30 Days of Haiga. Too bad I can't use it for Inktober, which I am severely behind on, but that requires actually drawing something. I didn't draw (or paint) this.

The image references living with a mood disorder which includes suicide ideation. I've said it before, but it bears repeating, please respect me enough to know that, as a person of 52 years old and having at least average intelligence (even though I sometimes think I'm dumber than a box of rocks) who has lived with mental illness for her entire life, I know very well what meds are, what counseling is, and what an emergency room is. If I went to the ER every time I had a suicidal thought, I'd have to live there. I don't want to live there. 

When people tell me I should "think about seeing a counselor" or I should "consider getting on meds," it's pretty much the same as telling me that I should "consider seeing a doctor" because my blood sugar is elevated. Yes, I have diabetes. Insulin and metformin have worked pretty well for me, but sometimes, depending on what food is available and circumstances not entirely in my control, I may still have elevated (or diminished) blood sugar readings. As a veteran diabetic, I know the score with my blood sugar.

As a veteran of the mental illness wars, I also know the score. However, people tend to treat those with mental illness as if we are stupid children who don't know our own minds and bodies.

My life contains certain aspects that would probably depress a person who didn't have a screwed-up brain like mine which likes to exaggerate every emotion I feel. I work full time but don't have enough money to buy adequate food, which is crappy any time but has an added element of crappiness when you're diabetic. I "make too much money" to qualify for aid programs. When I started making "enough money," my Medicaid got cut off. I'm still behind on all the payments I fell behind on when I was underemployed after losing my job back in March. Like I said, GOOD FUCKING TIMES!

It seems that I no sooner catch up a little than something else comes along to run me over like a Semi barreling down a one lane road.

Last night I was thinking to myself "why don't I just do it? Nothing ever gets any better."

This thought wasn't one of the hyperbolic ones where I imagine flinging myself into a canyon a la Wile E. Coyote. I had some pretty realistic ideas on how to top myself. These are actually always in the back of my mind because I will utilize them toot sweet if I am ever diagnosed with dementia. I am not putting myself or my son through that shit, no way, no how.

Some folks will say "but the Conventional Wisdom when you're having suicidal thoughts is to go to Emergency Services."

As a veteran of the Mental Illness Wars, I can tell you that there's a myriad of reasons why that's the last thing many of us would do, one of them being the fact that I don't have the fucking time to be on a three-day psych hold. Guess what I wouldn't be making while I was in the psych ward arguing with a bunch of by the book types about the fact that SSRI's make me worse rather than better. That's right, a paycheck! I'm not stupid and I'm actually not delusional. Cold, hard logic dictates that I need money more than I need to seek help that isn't going to help me anyway.

The Haiga references the fact that on one hand I care very deeply and hurt very deeply. On the other hand, I've had so much pain in my life that I'm pretty well numb a great deal of the time. My heart feels like it's been shot full of Novocain which is wearing off. I hurt so much that I don't feel much anymore, and that hurts.

There's my story. I don't expect anyone to necessarily know how it feels, but I do expect respect for my experiences. 

No one would ever tell me to "stop being so hypothyroid," although, sadly, I'm sure a lot of people would be happy to tell me about the latest quack miracle cure, such as rubbing myself in black salt while standing on my head and drinking liquid Vaseline. It doesn't happen as much with hypothyroidism, but with diabetes, this is certainly something that happens quite often.

The point being, no-one would ever tell me to stop being so hypothyroid or even stop being diabetic (although they might tell me how I could cure my diabetes.) However, people think nothing of telling me and others like me to "just stop that stinkin' thinkin'," "just get on some meds," "maybe you need to go to church," "mental illness is caused by demons, wrong thoughts, bad karma," or one of my favorites, "stop looking for attention." 

I've also gotta love the people who post things like "how can anyone be a Negative Nellie when God has made such a beautiful world for us to live in? I just don't understand Teh Negativ Peepul!"

I used to feel really hurt and defensive when I saw such posts. At this point, I feel that these people are ignorant and lack empathy. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be wired to Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life. Even when I'm happy I'm always somewhat sad. I know that makes very little sense to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but it does not make me any less worthy of having a decent life than someone who is always Ms. Pollyanna Sunshine.

So, this is my last Haiga/Haibun for this year's 30 Days of Haiga. I can't say I hope you enjoyed reading it, but I do hope you might have learned something.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

The Cheese Grates It: For the Umpteenth Time, You Can't Brain Your Way Out Of Dementia

shutterstock.com

The post in question

Ugh, not another one of these!
No, no, no, no, no, and also no!
The only thing you can do to prevent Alzheimer's is to not have the genetic trigger for Alzheimer's.

Let's break this down.

1. Stimulate Your Brain
People who use their minds a lot also get Alzheimer's. I took care of a number of people with Alzheimer's who had been college professors. There are musicians who get Alzheimer's. There are writers. The idea that you can stave off Alzheimer's by using your brain is bunk. 
I'm not saying don't use your brain. Too few people do, it seems to me. It's just that every time I read an article like this one, I start wanting to throw stuff.
It seems to me that stem cell research is the best hope we have for eradicating diseases like Alzheimer's.

2. Take an aspirin

Aspirin is a blood thinner. It is helpful for preventing clots. If you are prone to clots, which can cause strokes and heart attacks, then by all means, take aspirin with your doctor's approval.

Aspirin can help stave off vascular dementia. It doesn't do jack against Alzheimer's.

3. Take a fish oil containing Omega 3's.

This can help with mild depression. It can help somewhat with hypertension. It's nutritionally valuable. Still won't prevent Alzheimer's.

4. Help your brain by helping your heart

"Doctors have identified seven risk factors they think may lead to Alzheimer’s: high blood pressure, mid-life obesity, diabetes, smoking, lack of exercise, low level of education, and depression."

A lot of people do "heart healthy" things and still have the aforementioned "health horrors."

Idiopathic hypertension is...well...idiopathic. Nobody knows the exact cause. Hypertension can also be exacerbated by medications. Particularly thyroid medications. So--do you stop taking the thyroid medication, or do you take blood pressure medication as well? Because if you take thyroid medication, the likelihood is, your blood pressure will be elevated.

There have been studies that show that people with a heavier body type are actually more likely to survive a cardiac event. While there is correlation between having a larger body type and conditions such as diabetes, correlation is not causation. Endocrine problems tend to cause people to gain weight and have trouble losing it. There may be a correlation between endocrine problems and Alzheimer's, but again, correlation is not causation.

Obviously, though, if you're as fat as this guy, you're just asking for it. I mean, fuck's sake, you'd think he'd be able to exert a little self-control and not always be eating every second of the day. Just look at him!

As to that "low education" thing, how about we make education affordable for everybody so people can get more educated. However, since as I said before, FREAKING COLLEGE PROFESSORS DEVELOP ALZHEIMER'S. If they have the genetic trigger, having 50 doctorates isn't going to stop a person from getting Alzheimer's.

As for depression causing Alzheimer's, well, fuck you. 

This is one where there may be a definite correlation. All kidding aside about the "massive girth" of the skinny fellow above (who, unfortunately, does have Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia), he did struggle with depression and addiction. I bet he would like to not have struggled with those things. I know I'd like to not have bipolar disorder.

There's a huge "blame the victim" component with statements like the above. Are we just supposed to snap our fingers and stop having mood disorders?

I could snap my fingers until they fell off. I'd still have a mood disorder.

If this means that I'm more likely to develop dementia (which it may, if both the mood disorder and the dementia are triggered by the same gene), there's nothing I can do about it, and fuck you for making it sound like I'm at fault.

5. Drink champagne (moderately)

BIIIIIIIG FUCKING HELP to people who can't drink!

That would really help our fat friend above, who went through rehab for alcoholism in 1988.

In other words, the referenced post is saying the same shit that wasn't true when other people said it a million times before.

Damon Salvatore agrees with me.

~The Cheese (and Damon Salvatore) Hath Grated It~

My Depression Looks Like

Because I have type 2 bipolar disorder, my depression may appear to be simply the flip side of my hypomania. To a degree it is that, but it also has nuances all its own. It is actually a more powerful aspect than the hypomania.

The hypomania is a fleeting period of productivity and belief in myself.

The depression is with me always, and it is not strictly a product of my mood disorder.

~Cie~

From the Diary of a Mad Home Health Nurse: First Post

I created the Diary of a Mad Home Health Nurse blog with the intent to unofficially do the month-long Slice of Life blog-a-thon back in March 2016. I didn’t end up doing that. I tend to have spring depression, and this year’s version really took the wind out of my sails.

I seem to be out of the woods as summer comes on. One might believe that surmounting the spring depression for another year without offing myself means that I love summer. It doesn’t. Summer’s too damn hot in my neck of the woods. I am, however, glad to leave the spring depression behind. I didn’t know if I’d make it this year.

Living with mental illness means that I would really have been screwed if I were working in a high pressure environment. Home health tends to be a good field for someone like me. You establish a pattern and a rapport with your patient and their family. Other health fields might be more exciting, but when you live with a mood disorder, that isn’t always the best thing.

I often still regret the life I didn’t get to have. I wish I had ended up in the arts. However, as far as the profession I ended up working in, I’m happy with it at last. I worked far too many years in a facility. Home health is a much happier place for me.

~Cie~

https://twowritingteachers.org/2016/05/31/sol-tuesday-6/