Carpe Diem Acts of Devotion: Camina de Fatima

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little disciple

faith strong in a childlike heart

may it bring you joy

~Cie~

Notes:

I may be a misanthropic agnostic at this point in my life, but it wasn't always that way. As a child growing up in New Mexico, I was a devout Catholic. 

Two things pushed me away from the church: dogma and holier-than-thou blind-faith believers who dared neither question nor explore and condemned anyone who did.

I Run With Scissors

Copyright Tappydance

I found this extensive list of questions for people who consider themselves to be metaphysically inclined. I'll answer one here and there, now and then.

The first question is:

Are you solitary or in a coven?

The answer?

Definitely solitary.

I don't play well by other people's rules.

I also run with scissors. Or, I would if running were still a thing that my body allowed. At this point, I shuffle with scissors.

I was drawn to Wicca/Paganism when I was in my late teens. I was extremely weary of the judgmental behavior of so-called "Christians." I had been a devout Catholic until that point, but was really tired of having awful things said about the musicians I enjoyed listening to, of being told that I was a "devil worshiper," and of being told that I mustn't question the church doctrine. I made my official split from the church when I turned 18.

Sadly, I found out over the years that many people calling themselves mystics, witches, or New Age were cut from the same cloth, they just decorated their cloth with pentagrams instead of crosses. I distanced myself from them as well. So, I'm a metaphysician without a country, so to speak.

If your philosophy or religion has an ass-ton of rules that you have to play by or you're going to be ostracized and branded a pariah, it's not going to work for me. Same reason I don't do well working for big corporations.

My philosophy has only one hard and fast rule. It will appear at the bottom of this post.

Peace,

Cie

Religion and Community

Although I tend to be critical of organized religion, one aspect I tend to approve of is community. People involved in a church may come together in a positive way, as these people are. There are several benefits to this sort of gathering, including forming bonds with others and spending an enjoyable time in the company of like-minded people.

The problem with organized religion is the intolerance that is often inherent in religious communities. A similar-minded outsider would be welcome, but someone with a very different mindset, even if said visitor were tolerant, would likely be treated with suspicion if not outright disdain.

If we could all learn to open our minds to one another's viewpoints and beliefs, and respected such, even if we didn't share the same belief, we could create a greater world community. Then we could join together in love and tolerance. It may seem a foolish idea, but I believe that one day it may be possible.

~Ellie~

If I'm Living on Borrowed Time, Do You Think I'm Gonna Waste My Time Conforming?

Current age: 62 and has no memories of his accomplishments or his family and friends.
Age at onset of dementia: 55 (and fuck you, Universe)

Lewy Body Dementia discovered post-suicide Age: 63

The Real Cie's aunt: probable Lewy Body Dementia, age of diagnosis: 72

Me: Age 49, will be 50 on February 15.

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE IDEATION

Here's what I'm noticing. This kind of shit seems to be happening in younger and younger people. I'm not a scientist. Nor am I particularly given to believing in conspiracy theories. The Illumin-Naughty seem as likely to exist as the Illuminati, as far as I'm concerned. But I do see a pattern.

I think our world is polluted as fuck, and it's killing us in various and horrible ways. I think all the people succumbing to these shitty forms of dementia have been poisoned by our toxic environment, and it isn't going to get any better anytime soon.

I evidently have a genetic trigger for this shit, and I have been thinking. I may be living on borrowed time. And if I am, I'm going to off myself when I get the diagnosis. I've taken care of people with dementia for all but five years since 1988. I am not putting myself or my son through that shit.

Given that there's a fair possibility that I'm living on borrowed time, do you know what the fuck I'm not going to do?

Care about a bunch of rules set down by a bunch of stodgy, imagination-impaired, heartless, inflexible assholes. 

Believe as I do. Don't believe as I do. I really don't care. But don't fucking tell me how to think and feel. I was never going to conform to your standards anyway. Given that I may only have five or ten years left, I'm going to conform to them even less.

I have an open mind about metaphysical possibilities. I'm not going to close my mind because my beliefs make some people uncomfortable.

I love what and who I love. If you have a problem with that, take a look in the damn mirror as you point your finger at me. Then take a look at the three fingers pointing back at you.

I'm actually not afraid of this possibility. I'm pretty stoic about it. I've had suicide ideation pretty much all my life. I'm not afraid to die. My life hasn't been an easy one. Sometimes I think the easiest thing in the world would be to down a whole bunch of pills with a butt ton of alcohol and just let the world fuck off at last. I'm sick and tired of hearing what a fuckup I am echoing in my damn head all the time.

I'm not doing it today. So don't get your hackles up searching my URL to try and find out where I'm located. This isn't a "right now" suicide note. This is a "if I'm diagnosed with dementia I'm offing myself" note. Because fuck that shit.

So anyway, if I believe in the possibility of ghosts and incarnate people communicating with each other and maybe even becoming friends or falling in love, who the fuck is anyone else to tell me I can't believe that? 

If I believe the personality survives the death of the body, who the fuck is anyone to tell me I can't believe that?

If I believe in an afterlife, but not an afterlife that adheres to some particular set of dogma created by a bunch of stodgy old fucks to control the masses, well, that is what I believe. If it brings you comfort to think of me frying in a fiery pit because of my beliefs, perhaps you're the sick fuck, not me. 

If I believe in reincarnation, how the fuck is that hurting you?

People are always so all-fired hot to tell other people what they should and shouldn't think and feel. I've had it up to here with that shit. None of us knows for sure what happens after we die. My theories are as valid as anyone else's. More to the point, I don't shove them down anybody's throat. 

I guess my point is this. I don't know if I'm living on borrowed time or not, but I damn well could be. Do you think I'm gonna waste that time trying to please anybody by conforming to their particular reality? I can't live your damn reality, nor do I want to. I can only live my own. 

Stop trying to tell other people what to believe, think and feel. As long as what you're doing isn't hurting anybody else, it's nobody's damn business.

One thing I aim to do. When I do get to the other side, whenever that is, I am going to give both of the dudes pictured a great big warm hug, because they both touched my life for the better and both pulled me through when I was a very sad, lonely, and bullied teenager. I wished both of them could be my friends.

I totally shipped "Mork" as my best platonic friend back in the day, and you will never guess which band was Mork's and my favorite. When you're a sad and miserable twelve or thirteen year old, that kind of thing can mean a lot.

When people judge another person's reality based on their own set of experiences, they do the person they're judging a great disservice.

Both Malcolm Young and Robin Williams taught me a lot. The biggest thing they taught me is that having compassion is the most important thing. As neither of them are conventionally attractive, they also taught me that true beauty is in the soul. Not that either of them are ugly, but neither of them would ever be considered "hunky" by any stretch of the imagination.

Both of them struggled with depression and addiction issues. These are certainly things to which I can relate. 

These are beautiful people--truly beautiful people, not Hollywood hyped beautiful on the outside hollow on the inside glamour seeking glory grabbers. If I do end up being one of the many succumbing to the horror of dementia, at least I will know I am in glorious company. I love you Mal, and I love you Robin. And I do not give one single fuck what anyone thinks of that statement.

I guess I've said what I need to say. It pretty well boils down to this. Quit fucking judging. You do not know what another person is going through or what they have been through. Since you haven't experienced their life, you aren't qualified to judge it.

I can't live as if there's no tomorrow, because my Last Day may be here sooner than I ever would have imagined. I have to get what I can done in what time I may have left. I'm not wasting that time conforming to anyone else's bullshit standards.

~Cie~

Cross-posting everywhere because:

Hillsong: Unending Love

I find it distressing that I can't simply like a song like this without people demanding to know why I like it.

I grew up in a Christian household. By the time I got into high school, I was strongly questioning the dogma. Still, I liked a lot of the spiritual songs, and I liked Jesus. 

I don't think Jesus would be keen on a lot of the things that were done in his name.

I think that Jesus was a highly enlightened soul, and I think there is nothing better than trying to follow the example that he set. This doesn't mean that I need to reject the teachings of other enlightened souls, such as Siddhartha. 

I do reject the religion calling itself Christianity at this point in my life. I think that for many people calling themselves Christians, their take on things goes something like this:

Whatever the case, I enjoy listening to songs like the one above. Even when I was in turmoil because I was rejecting a lot of the ideas the church postulated, I still enjoyed the music. I find it soothing, and often more filled with truly Christian ideas than the fire and brimstone dogma of the sermons.

Peace,

Ursula