I will always love you, Buddy
I miss that face so much. I miss his soft fur and the unconditional love he gave me. Seeing this picture makes me cry.
A couple of days ago, I saw him when I woke up. The time when one is just waking can be prime time for glimpsing spirits. I've had this happen a few times.
These glimpses are always brief. I normally don't see spirits, I only sense them. However, on this occasion, I saw Lafayette clearly. It wasn't a "corner of the eye" sighting, and it wasn't in a place where I would normally have seen him.
I stay at my son's apartment on the nights I have to work because it's about a half hour closer to the home of the patient I work with at this time. I was sleeping on the couch. When I was at that point between sleeping and waking, I saw Lafayette. He was kneading the clothes at the end of the couch (yeah, don't judge) and the pink comforter with hearts that he always loved so much, the one I haven't been able to bring home because it reminds me too much of him. (I do my laundry at my son's place.)
His butt was facing me--typical Lafayette. When most adult cats sit with or on a person, they face the person. Not Lafayette. He was a big kitten, "big" being comparative. He was a small cat. He spent 8 months of the first year of his life living in a kennel at the shelter. Although the people there were kind to him, he really wasn't properly socialized. This is why fostering animals is so important.
If I wasn't lying down, Lafayette would always insist that I lie down. Then he would park himself on my chest and turn his butt to my face. He was trying to situate himself on my shoulder, the way kittens do when the Human is lying down. He was too big to accomplish this properly, so I ended up seeing his back side all the time. I always had to pull a cover over my chest, because he would knead exuberantly. He would also turn himself over, literally, nudging his nose against my hand and falling over, all the while purring loudly.
The day I lost him, part of me died. It was truly one of the worst days of my life. I wished that I would die with him. I didn't want to live without him.
Lafayette has shown me a few times that he's still with me. I just miss being able to pet him. I miss my little buddy and I always will.
Lafayette's ashes are in a little display cabinet at my son's apartment. My son, a Brony, made a little crate to rest the velvet bag holding the container of ashes in. He put some straw in the crate and surrounded the container of ashes with tiny "My Little Pony" figures to look after Lafayette.
My son is high functioning autistic and sometimes has trouble expressing affection. He is not a "touchy feely" person. However, it is fallacy that people with autism are incapable of feeling love. My son has a very kind heart, and he expresses it in gestures such as this. I was so touched and so grateful for his creating this little shrine for me.
I've since included various other stuffed animals and items to tell Lafayette I love him and am thinking of him. There is also an envelope containing a clipping of Lafayette's fur, which I took after the vet released him from his suffering. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but a cat's temperature is normally in the low 100's. Lafayette's had dropped to 95 (Fahrenheit.)
I also put my figurine of Malcolm Young in the display case. I know this will seem strange, but Malcolm was a kind person who made a lot of difference to me even though I never met him in this life. His body is still here, but he's no longer in it. I sensed that he wanted me to do this, and so I did. Perhaps it's simply that this place is my shrine for things that I care about which are lost to this world.
Then again, maybe this lonely and misunderstood spirit is looking after the spirit of my little cat until I can be with him again. Like I said, I don't claim to know anything. That's the frustrating part of being a living person dealing with spirits. You really can't ever KNOW until the time comes.
I like to think that someplace like Ulthar exists. If it does, I imagine that Mr. Lovecraft spends a lot of his time there.
H.P. Lovecraft was an atheist, but I sometimes think his dream stories revealed more about his experiences behind the walls of sleep than he admitted. Again, I don't know. I am only speculating.
I hope that perhaps Mr. Lovecraft, Mr. Young and Lafayette are providing each other with comfort and companionship in the world beyond the veil. All of them were misfits in a way.
Lafayette was an unwanted feral kitten, brought to the shelter with other members of the colony when he was just a month old. Of course at eight months, he and his half sister or cousin were adopted by Yours Truly, and he was showered with love for the rest of his life. I only wish he and I could have grown old together.
Nonetheless, he really was never a "normal" cat. He was a quirky little oddball, and I loved that about him.
H.P. Lovecraft always felt like an
outsider. His mother was a very disturbed person who told him as a child that he was a monster. He was a sickly child who spent much of his youth locked away from the outside world.
In spite of the fact that he eventually performed for arenas full of people, Malcolm Young was painfully shy and had issues with depression and addiction. He successfully went through rehab for alcohol in 1985. Unfortunately, he was always a heavy smoker.
In any case, the idea that three otherwise lost souls who touched my heart might be able to have a bond of friendship with one another in the world beyond the wall of sleep gives me something of comfort.
I really haven't felt able to write freely in quite some time, so if the reader feels this rambling tangent has gone far off the rails...tough shit. I didn't write it for you.
In any case, I want to thank my best friend for coming to visit me. I'm sure there are other times when he is there with me but I don't sense him. I always love you, Lafayette. You will always be my best little buddy.
~Cie~
