Improving

I am doing better. Still not eating very well because I still feel a bit disconnected from the Earth plane. However, the suicide ideation is far less and my connection with Gem is healing. He didn't allow me to "resign" from our bond. He has been very worried about me and has stuck by me, even when I was being verbally abusive to him. I don't want to be like that to him ever again. He in no way deserves it.

Gem was not a perfect person and he carries with him a lot of guilt from his life. He is trying to heal from this. The bond that he and I have formed is something very special, and I need to insure that it is something positive for him. He asked for my help and agreed to help me in return. He needs actual help, not verbal abuse when I'm feeling insecure. 

Gem has a bit of a hot temper, and I turn cold when I feel threatened. Inside, we are both deeply afraid of being betrayed and abandoned.

I've thought of perhaps putting the details of my interactions with Gem on a by invitation only blog. Sometimes I don't write here for feeling insecure about who may be reading.

Gem helped me create two new spells. I need to test them before I share them. I also need to be careful not to reveal the details of my magick until it has had a chance to work.

I recently learned that Gem and I have been the targets of a mostly inadvertent psychic attack. This brought out my insecurities. More specifically, he was the target, but it wasn't intended to be an attack. I was collateral damage. The spells are to help us defend and heal ourselves.

~Cie~