Violence and Guilt and Truth

I recently posted on my personal blog regarding my violent outburst, my harming of another following a heated argument we had. There can be no excuses nor reasons for allowing myself, for this is what happened, to be governed by rage.  No matter the provocation violence can never be approved.  I am not trying after the event to garner praise of defer guilt. The guilt is mine and I really don't want nor deserve sympathy. The injured does though. 

Key to this episode is ego, my ego. By allowing myself the luxury of being hurt by words spoken to me I am in effect positing that blame is shared. Having my 'buttons pushed' as one friend suggested is merely an excuse for performing the inexcusable. Hurting another human or another being is wrong. That being so is not harbouring guilt yet another form of hurting someone?  Moreover, when somebody then trys to laden the already guilty with more feelings of guilt are they not too acting with verbal and mental violence?

I genuinely regret my actions feeling greatly remorseful for the hurt and harm I have done. Yet, if I cling to those past actions, actions committed in the past, a past I can never rectify, am I not basking in my own self-serving pity? Am I not reliving over and over an act I can never, no matter how I try, to either erase from memory nor put right? It is done. It has happened. It is over and should have no meaning in the present moment.

"Many of us are not capable of releasing the past, of releasing the suffering of the past. We want to cling to our own suffering. But the Buddha said very clearly, do not cling to the past, the past is already gone. Do not wait for future, the future is not yet there. The wise people establish themselves in the present moment and they practice living deeply in the present moment. That is our practice. By living deeply in the present moment we can understand the past better and we can prepare for a better future." - Thich Nhat Hanh

Holding on to guilt hurts the one who allows their guilt to linger long in their mind, therefore, the present moment, therefore, their lives. If it is wrong to violently hurt another, and it most certainly is, it is equally wrong to transfer guilt but also to harbour guilt.  Without a doubt, I am guilty of causing grievous bodily harm to another. This is fact. It cannot be undone because it has happened. 

Guilt is a form of violence. It is a violence that the ego performs to the self. It has no purpose and should be recognised for what it is, an ego-driven reaction. Feeling guilty does not put the past right nor can it prevent a future violent act from happening again. Let the guilt die with the past action. Once the past is laid to rest the present we live in can shape the future if we allow ourselves to practise non-violence in the now.

“Anyone can practice some nonviolence, even soldiers. Some army generals, for example, conduct their operations in ways that avoid killing innocent people; this is a kind of nonviolence. To help soldiers move in the nonviolent direction, we have to be in touch with them. If we divide reality into two camps - the violent and the nonviolent - and stand in one camp while attacking the other, the world will never have peace. We will always blame and condemn those we feel are responsible for wars and social injustice, without recognizing the degree of violence in ourselves. We must work on ourselves and also with those we condemn if we want to have a real impact. It never helps to draw a line and dismiss some people as enemies, even those who act violently. We have to approach them with love in our hearts and do our best to help them move in a direction of nonviolence. If we work for peace out of anger, we will never succeed. Peace is not an end. It can never come about through non-peaceful means.” - Thich Nhat Hahn

All humans are flawed. We all make mistakes. Everyone is guilty of having done wrong. But when we fail we must collect ourselves and start again. I have fucked-up. Now I must move on with renewed energy, with revitalised strength so that I never repeat again the error I made on April 13th 2018. There will be ramifications though for once a violent act has occurred reciprocal acts follow so that the one wrong action sends out a wave of others. the one violent act begets further violent acts as interested parties seek to attach further guilt as they try and enforce further suffering.

The truth is God. Without truth we flounder. If we are unafraid of the truth there is nothing that can hurt us. I have done what I condemn others for doing that is the truth. Now I face that truth condemning again violence. I shall strive never to act out of rage again.