Missing Lafayette. Lost him July 17 of last year to kidney failure.
Missing Trinity. Lost her 13 days ago to brain and lung cancer.
Feel so sad about the way dementia has destroyed Malcolm Young’s mind so he “isn’t in there at all any more” according to his brother. Fucking dementia is the worst.
The 28th of this month will mark the 6th anniversary of my father’s passing after 6 years of decline both physically and cognitively.
You are forever loved, but my love is worth fucking nothing. It can’t save anybody, can’t bring anybody back. My love is hollow, painful, a worthless echo. I am so sorry. If I could trade I would.
~Cie~
1. Financial management should be taught in schools.
2. The last item I donated was some clothes to be sold to benefit the Colorado Sled Hockey team.
3. My (personal) song is Albatross by Judy Collins , because it describes what living as me is like in the lyrics.
The lady comes to the gate dressed in lavender and leather
Looking North to the sea she finds the weather fine
She hears the steeple bells ringing through the orchard
All the way from town
She watches seagulls fly
Silver on the ocean stitching through the waves
The edges of the sky
Many people wander up the hills
From all around you
Making up your memories and thinking they have found you
They cover you with veils of wonder as if you were a bride
Young men holding violets are curious to know if you have cried
And tell you why
And ask you why
Any way you answer
Lace around the collars of the blouses of the ladies
Flowers from a Spanish friend of the family
The embroid'ry of your life holds you in
And keeps you out but you survive
Imprisoned in your bones
Behind the isinglass windows of your eyes
And in the night the iron wheels rolling through the rain
Down the hills through the long grass to the sea
And in the dark the hard bells ringing with pain
Come away alone
Even now by the gate with you long hair blowing
And the colors of the day that lie along your arms
You must barter your life to make sure you are living
And the crowd that has come
You give them the colors
And the bells and wind and the dream
Will there never be a prince who rides along the sea and the mountains
Scattering the sand and foam into amethyst fountains
Riding up the hills from the beach in the long summer grass
Holding the sun in his hands and shattering the isinglass?
Day and night and day again and people come and go away forever
While the shining summer sea dances in the glass of your mirror
While you search the waves for love and your visions for a sign
The knot of tears around your throat is crystallizing into your design
And in the night the iron wheels rolling through the rain
Down the hills through the long grass to the sea
And in the dark the hard bells ringing with pain
Come away alone
Come away alone with me.
4. Three things I am thankful for this week are:
My son's emotional and financial support when I had to make the terrible decision to have Trinity put to sleep
The veterinarian who helped us
and
Trinity
?/?/2005 to November 9 2016
Although we couldn't afford the extensive testing, the veterinarian's professional opinion was that between the fluid in her lungs and the staggering when she walked, Trinity had both brain and lung cancer. She said if treated, we might be able to have a couple weeks to a couple more months with Trinity. I felt such a decision would be more in our interest than Trinity's.
I couldn't say goodbye, so I said good night to my best girlfriend and my son and I stayed with her until the end.
I have a lot of cats waiting for me on the other side.
I have three still living, and my son has two.
I will not have any more pets. I don't have the resources, and I can't stand the grief every time I have to have one of them put to sleep or one of them dies.
