I found another blog hop (in which I will not officially participate because pariah).
The seven week blog hop is about kindness, and the first type of kindness is self-kindness.
This is something I find impossible, particularly in light of recent events. How can I be kind to something that I despise with every fiber of my being?
I don't even know if it's worth going deeper.
I hate myself for my mistakes.
I hate myself for the anger which festers in my heart.
I hate my ugly physical form.
I hate this stupid, life-destroying mental illness.
My ugliness destroys every good thing, every connection I form, every dream I have ever had.
Being what I am is punishment. I am a walking abortion. I am something that never should have been born.
I do far more harm than good.
The only good I will ever do is when I finally work up the wherewithal to actually complete the suicide I think about all the time.
I cannot be kind to something that deserves nothing but hate.
Cie, the ugliest person to ever exist
2 comments:
Let me first say that I am a devout Doors fan. They are a favourite of mine. I have Morrison's poetry books. But, more importantly, "Not all those who wander are lost". ~JRRTolkien
Perhaps your friends, even us bloggers, are here to help show you the way. Maybe, it starts there...with kindness. HUGS.
Thank you. I appreciate you not bailing on me. I'm better on and off, but things are still a bit rocky.
Right now I have with me a little lost kitten--don't know if it's a boy or a girl. It isn't much bigger than my hand. I almost ran over it! Its eyes are badly infected. I'm not sure if its permanently blind, but at the moment, it's blind.
I'm going to take it to Longmont Humane Society tomorrow. They have a very good record. Of the 509 kittens they took in last year, 16 died of natural causes and 11 had to be euthanized. 30 were transferred to other shelters, and the rest were adopted.
I think that's this little one's best chance. Tara and Trinity are jealous beeyotches. I don't think they'd stand for another cat, and my work schedule keeps me away all weekend.
When I first picked this little one up, I thought its face had Siamese markings. It turned out it was just caked with mud. :-(
At least it has somewhere dry to stay. I'm glad my cats are keeping their distance for the moment, or I'd have to find some towels and let it stay out in the car.
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