The Cheese Grates It: When Victims Feel the Need to Confess

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This post is a response to Evan Rachel Wood's revelation regarding being a survivor of sexual assault.

https://twitter.com/evanrachelwood/status/803354562337865728/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

It's sad that women feel the need to confess that we've been sexually assaulted, as if we're the ones who did something wrong. My most recent sexual assault happened nearly 20 years ago. I don't fear being home alone. I don't fear falling asleep. However, I am not and never will be the same. I was 32 years old when it happened. I will be 52 in February of 2017. To the day I die, I will never forget it. It was an acquaintance rape (ex boyfriend.) I never went to the police. I had been drinking, and I knew they'd ask why I let him into my apartment. I let him in because I didn't expect him to rape me.

We'd been at a Halloween party "as friends" and he got angry with me for flirting with a co-worker. So he wouldn't cause more trouble, I took him back to my apartment even though I was way too drunk to drive. I let him in. I thought he'd left. I went to bed fully clothed. I woke up with my clothes off and him on top of me. I told him to stop. I was too drunk to fight. When he was done, he said "now we're back together again." I had panic attack after panic attack from the time I woke up until about 5 hours into the day. I was terrified to go to sleep because I knew once I did I'd just wake up to the same thing again. This went on for a year. My family told me "well, you got over this once before, you'll get over it again." I was a mess. I was dying inside. The only reason I didn't commit suicide was because of my son. I know now that some of the poor decisions I made at that period in my life were due to untreated bipolar disorder. Regardless of the reason, nobody deserves to have done to them what was done to me. When I'm alone, I still prefer to sleep in a confined space, i.e. a twin bed or a couch. I think that subconsciously I feel safer there.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~