From the Diary of a Mad Home Health Nurse: First Post

I created the Diary of a Mad Home Health Nurse blog with the intent to unofficially do the month-long Slice of Life blog-a-thon back in March 2016. I didn’t end up doing that. I tend to have spring depression, and this year’s version really took the wind out of my sails.

I seem to be out of the woods as summer comes on. One might believe that surmounting the spring depression for another year without offing myself means that I love summer. It doesn’t. Summer’s too damn hot in my neck of the woods. I am, however, glad to leave the spring depression behind. I didn’t know if I’d make it this year.

Living with mental illness means that I would really have been screwed if I were working in a high pressure environment. Home health tends to be a good field for someone like me. You establish a pattern and a rapport with your patient and their family. Other health fields might be more exciting, but when you live with a mood disorder, that isn’t always the best thing.

I often still regret the life I didn’t get to have. I wish I had ended up in the arts. However, as far as the profession I ended up working in, I’m happy with it at last. I worked far too many years in a facility. Home health is a much happier place for me.

~Cie~

https://twowritingteachers.org/2016/05/31/sol-tuesday-6/

Psychic Does Not Mean Omniscient

Copyright: schmetfad / 123RF Stock Photo

Once many years ago, I was given an opportunity to do Tarot readings at a nightclub. For the most part, the people who approached me were polite, and I have fond memories of one young fellow. He asked what he should do about a critical issue in his life, saying that he'd been pondering what action to take for a long time. 

I don't remember the exact cards I drew, but I immediately realized that he was considering coming out. The cards advised that there would be some strife regarding his decision, but in the long run it was the right decision and would bring him long term happiness, whereas if he kept the truth to himself, he would struggle more in the long term.

The young fellow was very happy with my advice. He squeezed my shoulder and thanked me with a big smile on his face. I will always remember this moment.

There was a young woman on that same night who came up to me and asked me where the bathroom was. I told her I didn't know.

"Well, how can you call yourself a psychic if you don't even know where the bathroom is?" she sneered.

"The cards don't tell me where the bathroom is. Such things are a waste of the spirits' time," I responded.

The lady for whom I was about to do a reading said "she's scared," as the young woman huffed off.

"I know," I replied. "A lot of people are. I wish they wouldn't be. I only want to help people."

I tell this story to illustrate an example of the way that many people think about those who identify as psychic. They erroneously believe that being psychic means being omniscient. It doesn't, any more than being a doctor or scientist means being infallible in your given field; or that a musician, artist or actor lacks talent because ze occasionally creates work that is not up to par. 

Sometimes even a psychic with a good track record is off the mark. Situations change dramatically not long after the reading, or they were simply having an off moment due to personal extenuating circumstances.

Sometimes a psychic is adept in one area but not so much in another area. For instance, I am good at reading Tarot cards, but I lack aptitude at scrying (i.e. using a crystal ball.) 

I am clairvoyant, but my clairvoyant abilities are better expressed when aided by a tool such as Tarot cards. 

I am clairsentient (otherwise known as empathic). I have the ability to sense the emotions of both incarnate and discarnate people. I am not always accurate where factual information about a person is concerned, as I tend to let my emotions and my imagination interfere, which is why I would never advertise my services as a spirit medium. 

I also want to believe the best about people in spite of the fact that I have been fucked over six ways to Sunday more times than I care to admit because of my unfortunate tendency to ignore red flags and to believe that someone taking offense at my perceived standoffishness is more important than protecting myself. My low self esteem is my downfall on many levels.

I say this as much for my own benefit as for anyone else's. When you are off the mark with regards to your psychic abilities, assess the situation. In what way were you off the mark? What else was going on at the time? Learn from the situation rather than beating yourself up or believing those folks who feel that if you can't guide them to the nearest toilet on demand, you're obviously not psychic.

~Cie~

The Cheese Grates It; Genetics, Infections, Correlation, Causation and The Blame Game

After reading this article, I'm thinking that all kinds of brain problems could be caused by a combination of infections and drawing the genetic short straw, which is why some people have these problems and some don't, even in the same family. 

The problem is, a lot of the time there seems to be finger pointing, such as when it's stated that people with depression are more likely to develop Alzheimer's disease. There is this attitude that if you just stop being depressed (wow, wouldn't that be nice) you'll become less prone to Alzheimer's disease, so pull yourself up by the boot straps, you pudding, and stop being such a Debbie or Donnie Downer. 

Well, what if the same genetic trigger is what causes both depression and Alzheimer's in some unlucky people? Also, note that not everyone with a mood disorder ends up with Alzheimer's disease. Correlation is not causation.

According to the article, "it is known that people with a gene called ApoE2 have brains that are good at sweeping out plaque, and have a low risk of Alzheimer’s in old age. Those with a different version, ApoE4, are inefficient in removing plaque and have a high risk of Alzheimer’s."

These men are brothers. The fellow on the left side of your monitor was 57 years old when this picture was taken. The one on the right side of your screen was 59. 

The fellow on the left presents as a healthy older adult man. The older brother does not look well, and he isn't. He was diagnosed with dementia two years previously. Before I was aware of this, I surmised that he was either having endocrine problems (hyperthyroidism), or he was developing Parkinson's disease. His facial expression and his stance look similar to those of a person with Parkinson's. I had also seen several photos of him in which he had spilled food or drink on himself, which would be another indicator of neurological problems. We all do it sometimes, but when such occasions become frequent, it's a red flag.

Breaking things down:

Both of these men come from a family that is prone to cancer and cardiovascular disease. Both of their parents died at age 74. (I am unsure of the reason for their deaths.) Their eldest brother died at age 57 from lung cancer. Both of these men developed an addiction to nicotine. 

The older brother had more health problems than the younger over the years. He was prone to depression and anxiety, including social anxiety, and developed an addiction to alcohol. He was one of those people who seemed to come down with whatever "bug" was making the rounds. Overall, he seemed to be of less hardy stock than his younger brother, who had no issues with addiction to alcohol or drugs, no issues with major depression, tended to be socially gregarious, and seemed to be in good health most of the time.

It would seem likely that the younger brother possesses the APOe2 gene, where the elder brother drew the short straw and ended up with the APOe4. 

My theory is that such a gene may also leave people who have it prone to psychological disorders, which I postulate are also triggered by infections. Someone with "good" genes will be able to fight off such infections and clear the resulting residue from their systems without issue. Someone who drew the genetic short straw will not be similarly blessed.

Viral infections are also theorized to trigger a tendency to obesity in people with a certain genetic code. Obesity gets blamed for everything, but here again, correlation is not causation and if shaming people worked, we would have no addicts, no one with psych disorders, and no fat people. Clearly, shaming people doesn't cure any of the world's ills, so it would be nice if we could stop doing it and instead look for solutions. 

TL:DR

Science explains physical anomalies. Go science!

Brain diseases suck and are probably caused by bad microbes and mutated genes.

One bad gene is all it takes to perma-fuck your life.

Look for solutions rather than pointing the Finger of Shame and Blame.

Be compassionate. You never know when it may be your turn to draw the short straw. 

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Go GI Joe! 

(If you weren't a child of the 1980's, you probably won't understand this last reference.)

~The Cheese Hath Grated It and Blinded You With Science~

Haile Selassie I On Divinity: Man Created, NOT Emanated?! Pt2 Message to...

Physical Activity Needed For All Living in Physical Bodies

One wonderful benefit that I had at my old job was access to a therapy pool. I have a lot of musculoskeletal problems, but I could do all kinds of things in that pool that I can't do on land, such as running and jumping. 

I had to resign from that job last September due to my sciatica becoming so exacerbated that I could barely walk. The job entailed me walking 3.5 miles a night to do rounds in a very large building as part of my nightly tasks. Great--unless you have severe sciatica that isn't going to resolve if you're pounding the hell out of your spine walking 3.5 miles a night on concrete floors.

My sciatica has since resolved, but I am getting no exercise. The areas where my son and I live aren't particularly amenable to walking, but I'm trying to find a way to make it happen. Both he and I need to exercise. It's negatively impacting our moods not to.

Here is what I am NOT saying.

"ZOMG, I AM SO DEATHFATZ, I NEED TO START EXERCISING SO I WILL BE A SKINNY SUPER MODEL!"

I was actually fatter when I was getting exercise. I was also doing this thing called eating. Not "overeating," just eating. I'm starving myself right now, and that is not good for my blood sugar levels.

When I start exercising again, I will be a fat person exercising, not a fat person with a "thin person inside trying to get out."

When we make exercise about weight loss, people stop exercising when it doesn't work.

Physical activity should never be about size shaming.

Everybody benefits from physical activity, regardless of whether or not they lose weight.

So, this fatass wants to start exercising again, not to make my ass any skinnier, but to make my fat ass healthier and reduce my anxiety levels. 

Do yourself a favor and stop buying into the lies of the multi-billion dollar diet industry. Believing that hype induces all kinds of unnecessary stress.

Google Health At Every Size to learn more.

~Cie~

Getting Through the Dark Night of the Soul

You're Lost, Little Girl

I found another blog hop (in which I will not officially participate because pariah).
The seven week blog hop is about kindness, and the first type of  kindness is self-kindness.

This is something I find impossible, particularly in light of recent events. How can I be kind to something that I despise with every fiber of my being?

I don't even know if it's worth going deeper.

I hate myself for my mistakes.

I hate myself for the anger which festers in my heart.

I hate my ugly physical form.

I hate this stupid, life-destroying mental illness.

My ugliness destroys every good thing, every connection I form, every dream I have ever had.

Being what I am is punishment. I am a walking abortion. I am something that never should have been born.

I do far more harm than good.

The only good I will ever do is when I finally work up the wherewithal to actually complete the suicide I think about all the time.

I cannot be kind to something that deserves nothing but hate.

Cie, the ugliest person to ever exist