Sports : Thousands of runners glowed with fun and fitness at the Neo Run...

I was so happy when they said this event was for all shapes and sizes and levels of fitness.

I hope that the bigger people and those who weren’t as physically fit were treated well. Exercise should be fun for everyone. It should never be punishment or exclusionary.

Love,

Gretyll

Get To Know The Netherworld Crew: The Real Cie

The theme for Silver Threading's Writer's Quote Wednesday Writing Challenge is Comedy. What does the above picture have to do with comedy? It doesn't, it has to do with me, The Real Cie, the butt of the Universe's cruel jokes. We'll get to that.
I created the above picture to be included in a mass email for the birthday of Jared Padalecki, the actor who plays Sam Winchester on Supernatural. Jared lives with depression, and he created the Always Keep Fighting charity to raise awareness. There's something about Jared. More on people with "something about them" later in the post.
Yes, the tattoo is the permanent kind.

Am I doing this right? I don't know. Will they like me? Probably not. A few people do, but most people don't understand where I'm coming from at all. Nor do they get my sense of humor.
In this post, I refer to myself in both first and third person. Referring to me as I am now, I always use first person. Referring to my past self or the fictionalized version of myself, I will use either first or third person. I tend not to edit posts of this nature too much, because I want to preserve the emotional rawness.

I've never fit in. I was badly bullied. I had a serious mental illness (I have three diagnoses, actually: Bipolar disorder type 2, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Obsessive-compulsive disorder) that was improperly diagnosed until I was nearly 40. There was always something different about me. People saw that and wanted to destroy it. I wasn't pretty, I was socially awkward. I tried to make people like me, but they didn't. I started self-injuring when I was in my early teens. I made my first suicide attempt at age 13 by swallowing a bottle of aspirin.

Because I was raised Catholic, I believed that committing suicide was a sin that would get you sent to hell. Because sending a person who was already suffering to hell makes a lot of sense, right? Not here to argue theology, but that idea is a crock of shit, as is the idea that people who commit suicide are "selfish" or "stupid." Suicide may be "a permanent end to a temporary problem," or it may in fact be not a permanent end to a lifelong problem. Pithy sayings don't work on serious issues.
"This is really fucking depressing, Real Cie," you're saying. "When are you going to get to the comedy part?"
The prompt mentions Robin Williams.

Mork is one of the friends I turned to when real life was too painful.
I was a writer from the time I was very young. I was precocious and learned to read at a first grade level when I was four years old. I'm not saying this to brag about how smart I was, because I don't really think I'm that smart overall. I was in the top percentile for the English category when I took my SAT's. I have some sort of gift in the English comprehension and writing areas, but I've never learned to use it in a way that appeals to most people. I'd like to thank my bipolar disorder for that.
I always had a real sense for the absurd as well. I could find bits of humor in the oddest places. Other people didn't get it. I used it to survive.
Young Me used her literary and metaphysical gifts to escape to an alternate world. Unlike the world I was living in, this world was filled with fun and friends.
I didn't know it then, but I was an empath who could pick up on other people's emotions. I wish I could have known Robin Williams in life. I think that Real Cie and Robin would have been friends, just like Cie in my stories and Mork were friends. That's what I like to think.

This became Mork and Cie's favorite band after one of Cie's few friends' older brothers played their music and Cie said "wow, who's that?"
Keep in mind that in the 1970's, there was no public Internet. Young Cie had to go into record shops and look for imported magazines to find out more about her new favorite band. She liked doing research anyway, and liked pretending to be a detective.
If you see evil rather than humor when looking at the above picture, you need to adjust your perspective. I'm still gobsmacked that anyone could have thought of these men as "evil."
Cie liked AC/DC not only for the music, but because, like her, they were outcasts and freaks who used their sense of humor both to cope and to entertain others. They didn't like people who bullied other people. There was also "something about them."
I didn't know it yet, but "something about them" means "walking wounded."

Even at ten years old, when I was watching Star Trek reruns I really resonated with the Empath character, Gem. I didn't know it yet, but it was because, like her, I take on other people's pain. I don't get physical manifestations, and, unfortunately, I can't do psychic healing on a physical level.
This plane is purgatory, and this world is in a lot of pain. I used and still use my sense of the Ridiculous to cope, and most people don't get it. I've suffered a lot of derision because of it.
I still do it because the Pissed Off Crusader for Justice in me doesn't want me to destroy who I am to please other people. I've tried it several times. I almost didn't survive. I won't do it again.
I think that many people who express themselves through comedy use comedy as a coping mechanism. Like me, they have been bullied, or they suffer with a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar disorder. Seeing the ridiculous helps us survive. Often we try to make the world a better place. Sadly, it doesn't really seem to work.
This doesn't mean we shouldn't try, though. If we make the world a somewhat better place for a few people, it's worth it.
I've got more to say, much more. But the foam mat on my bed has slipped sideways and it's really irritating me, so I need to fix it.
Did I mention that I have OCD?
I have to joke about my mental illnesses, because otherwise I'd go crazy!
I'll be here all week. Also, for the rest of my life.

~Cie~

Cross-posted to:

Crazy Creatives Cheerleading Camp

Encyclopedia Netherworld

One Love

The Cheese Grates It: Angry at the assumptions

I participate in the Daily challenge (challenge.meyouhealth.com) and sometimes their questions really, really, really piss me off. They assume that everyone is in the middle class, and that the middle class isn’t an endangered species in the United States as more and more people become both job and food insecure.

The question was “think about the last time you were upset and try to recall if you were hungry, tired or both.

Yes, I was bloody well hungry!  I hadn't eaten properly in days. I was down to my last $30 and had purchased hummus, tortillas and donuts and was rationing them. 

I am employed, on average working between 48 and 60 hours a week. I am a skilled worker, making $20 an hour. This sounds like a lot, but it isn't. Most of what I make goes into mortgage plus lot rent on my mobile home, coming to around $1200 a month. A standard 2 bedroom apartment in this area costs that much, so there wouldn't be that much difference.

I'd had a dry spell at work while my patient was in the hospital, but food insecurity is nothing new to me.

I have no insurance because at $400 a month for the cheapest crap, I can't afford it.

I make too much money to qualify for any sort of public assistance, and since I have a job, I don't qualify for Medicaid.

Questions like this are geared to people who don't have issues like food insecurity. However, many more people do these days. Yes, even people who work hard, like work all the time hard. It doesn't just happen to "lazy" people who "don't want to work." It happens to the working classes--a lot.

So, I was hungry and tired of being hungry. 

If you're offended by my rant, sorry. This question triggered me because it was so similar to that old "are you really hungry, or are you instead perhaps angry or tired. Whatever you do, don't eat, because nothing tastes as good as thin feels" crap that I put myself through on the impossible quest for the "perfect" body that I was on between the ages of 12 and 45. I still have an eating disorder, always will have an eating disorder, and whenever I end up rationing my food I run the risk of falling back into the trap of believing I can starve myself to thinness.

That's why this question made me react as I did.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

Trying Not to be a Needy Nebbish

I don't know if Alex Van Halen is empathic, but it wouldn't surprise me, as creative people often are empathic. I simply chose a quote that I liked, by a person I have some regard for.

Although we are good at picking up on the emotions of others, those of us who are empathic are often lonely. I have very few friends and don't want to risk pushing them away by being too needy, a problem I've had in the past.

I have had to learn that when my friends aren't in frequent contact, it likely isn't because they're deliberately trying to push me away. It's probably because something is going on in their lives that requires their immediate attention, or they may simply not be feeling like communicating with other people.

Not having had a lot of experience with true give and take relationships, I'm always learning what it's like to actually be a friend.

Sometimes I wish I had lots of like-minded friends so if one wasn't responding I could choose from a myriad of others so as to always be getting feedback and support. 

However, the truth is, while it may be possible to have a pretty well unlimited number of acquaintances or "drinking buddies," one's list of real friends tends to be a pretty short one.

Fair weather friends are easy to come by. Those who will stick with you even when your life or your perspective on life sucks are hard to find.

When guitarist Robbin Crosby contracted HIV and his HIV later became full-blown AIDS, he told his friend and former band mate Juan Croucier that he used to think he had all the friends in the world, but once he got sick, everyone disappeared. Robbin died feeling alone in the world, which is tragic. 

The fact that "Robbin Crosby fat" was one of the choices that generated when I typed in a search for Robbin Crosby to find the above picture disgusts me. The people making that search are likely doing so to feel superior to him, because fat = inferior, amirite?

No, you're not. You're an asshole. Fuck your tiny-minded schadenfreude.

Robbin was a lovely, kind, troubled person. He was a beautiful human being at any size. He was one of those people who felt things very deeply. Robbin was empathic, and sometimes this meant that he let destructive people into his life because he felt a need to help them. Many empathic people have this trouble.

He is also one of those people who illustrates the fact that you have no idea what a person's state of health is or what their diet is by looking at their body type. Robbin gained a lot of weight towards the end of his life, but it wasn't because he was eating a lot. He didn't feel very well most of the time, and didn't really enjoy eating. He put on weight because of metabolic changes.

I got off track because I was so enraged by that disgusting search choice. Back to the initial topic now.

I used to think it would be wonderful to be popular. If I were popular, I'd have all the friends I could ever wish for, right? Well, not really. Being popular doesn't necessarily mean you have real friends. Sometimes it means you don't know who your real friends are. Not that I know what that's like, as I've never been popular, it's simply an observation I've made where popular people are concerned.

For anyone who might be curious, I've chatted with Robbin Crosby on a few occasions. I can't tell you where his treasure is buried, and I didn't ask him about any deep, dark secrets. He is feeling okay with his transition into spirit at this point. He is still a sweetheart, he likes helping others when he can, and he still loves music. No, I have never had any sort of tryst with him, for those who might be curious about that aspect. He's a nice, supportive friend in spirit whom I wish I could have known in life.

I am generally able to find friends in spirit to chat with, but when my moods are dark and I am in a place of self-loathing, I have trouble trusting my input. For most people still in the flesh, we require connection with other incarnate souls. I do not require any sort of romantic connection with an incarnate person, but  I do need friendship, as feeling "lost at sea" is difficult, even for those who believe in the non-physical realms.

For those of us who are sighted, seeing is believing. I rarely see spirits. I sometimes wish I were better at seeing them, although given the choice, I'd rather sense their emotions and thoughts as I do. I wish I were proficient at both seeing and sensing.

I try not to be a needy nebbish with either my physical or non-corporeal friends, but sometimes its hard. I've felt alone and misunderstood for as long as I can remember. When I feel like someone understands me, it's hard not to drain the well, so to speak.

Why do I share these unpleasant truths about myself?

Because I wish I could find others willing to do so. Then I wouldn't feel so alone.

Since I haven't found those people, I need to be that person for others who might be feeling the way I do.

~Cie~

The Cheese Grates It: Dementia, Depression, or Just Hunger

I am hungry and I am rationing my food.

I have $30 to last me for a week.

I will get tortillas and hummus.

Being hungry affects a person's mood.

It also makes a person feel confused if it goes on for long enough.

I have diabetes, and I am food insecure.

I haven't worked for most of the month.

When I am working, I make "too much money" to qualify for assistance of any kind.

I make $30,000 a year.

My hourly wage is around three times the minimum wage, and I work 48 hours a week on average.

I pay close to $1200 a month for housing.

That is standard.

I do not qualify for assistance.

I do not have health insurance.

The cheapest, crappiest health insurance costs around $400 a month.

I do not qualify for Medicaid.

If I were to stop working, citing my various psych disabilities as the reason, I could probably do so.

I would then get about $600 a month in disability payments.

I don't suppose I really want to start working, but right now I'm very depressed and don't much want to work either. I will. I just don't want to.

Right now, I really don't want to go on much longer.

I will, because there are still people who need me.

If you feel sanctimonious and superior to me and others like me,

Sucks to be you if you ever become one of us.

It can happen to anyone.

Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them.

The Cheese Wishes She Had Some Cheese To Grate

A video I never wanted to make

This young woman is being cyber bullied and fat shamed. Please show her some support.

~Cie~

The Cheese Grates It: shocking Victim Blaming and Fatty Shaming in the So Called News Surprises No One

The latest in size shaming rubbish can be found on the ABC News website.

The following is my response:

Lovely Headless Fatty picture. The perfect way to start your piece is by dehumanizing larger people.

Correlation is not causation. 

While there may be a correlation between being a person of a certain size (i.e. there is correlation between having a very slender body type and developing osteoporosis, and there is correlation between having a large body type and developing insulin resistance) having a certain body type is not the cause of either of these conditions.

This piece is victim blaming and scapegoating. Seeing as yo-yo dieting is bad for the body and it is very rare for anyone to achieve long term weight loss by dieting, it helps no-one to keep pushing the same agenda that has never worked and only causes larger people to become targets for abuse.

While we're here, let me just show you a disgusting fat hog who has several obesity-linked problems. If this pig hadn't always been shoveling food into his gargantuan face, he would be super healthy and would live forever. But instead, because he's such a grotesque fat fatty, he has a heart condition requiring a pacemaker.

Take a look again at this rotund ham-beast. Because he is so fat, he caused himself to have a stroke with the large amounts of lard in his vascular system.

If this lard ass blubber butt land whale had only stopped shoveling truck loads of food down his massive craw, he probably would not have developed cancer.

Just look at this massive ham planet, yawning after eating his own family out of house and home because he is such a glutton. It is his own fault that he developed Alzheimer's. If he'd only had the decency to not be such an oinker, he would be fine and dandy.

While we're at it, let's take a look at one of his close relatives.

We don't know if Fatty McOinkerson's brother eats his relatives out of house and home, but we do know that guys with male pattern baldness are more prone to developing prostate cancer. If Angus Young doesn't want prostate cancer, he really needs to take better care of his hair. Imagine being such a lazy ass that you let your hair fall out! He could at least have the decency to get plugs.

In case you don't recognize hyperbole and sarcasm, the paragraphs about the Young brothers are oozing with it. They are written in a deliberately over the top victim blaming and ridiculous fashion to illustrate a point.

Correlation is not causation.

People of all sizes develop problems such as cancer, dementia, diabetes, heart disease and hypertension.

Big people have a tendency to avoid getting medical care because they fear the shaming that they know is very likely going to be served up to them by medical personnel. Thus, sometimes issues that could be controlled if caught early on go unchecked until they become exacerbated. At that point, sometimes it's too late to help the patient.

Conversely, thin patients may have health problems that go unrecognized until the problem becomes severe because medical personnel assume that someone who is thin is also healthy.

Size shaming helps no-one.

It is up to all of us to not size shame, to call out those who do size shame, and to make this a better world for people of all sizes.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~