The Cheese Grates It: The Straight Dope

This is basically a copy of a letter to one of my few real friends in this world. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Except for my name, because I want to get back to the purpose of this blog: keeping it real, and talking about that weird shit that everyone is afraid to talk about.

So, I got fired yesterday. I knew it was coming. It was still traumatic and awful, and I could have prevented it by going with my gut. Read this cautionary tale and know that I want you to trust your instincts. I wish I'd been encouraged to trust mine. It would have saved me a lot of grief in this life.

Long story short, I've been working 60 hour weeks, including when I was sick. I was very sleep deprived. I ended up falling asleep during my shift, not just a micro-sleep but a deep, deep sleep. I don't remember doing it. The last thing I remember was looking at the clock to see the time. Then I came out of a deep darkness to see the father of my patient in the room, and he was angry.

I understand this, but I wish he hadn't yanked my chain and told me he'd keep this on the down-low and not report it to the agency. I told him that I was very sorry and would remove myself from the case. However, he didn't keep his word, and not only did he not keep his word, he told the company a trumped-up story. The truth was bad enough, he didn't have to embellish it the way he did. I understand that he was angry, but I thought that this was an extremely ugly action on his part. I can't stand a bullshitter, and I was sad to discover that this person was a bullshitter. Deep down inside, I already knew it, but I still didn't want it to be true. More on that in a bit.

I didn't do anything that impressive for my company, although they liked to tell me that I did. They liked to flatter me to get me to do what they wanted, like burn myself out working way too many hours, but I was nothing special. I was just a cog in the machine, a sucker that they could use up. 

I saw it coming. I should have left last year when they ousted the mother of the patient I'll be working with again at this point.

Here's the sordid tale.

Little Ms. Sweetheart Stephanie (the clinical nurse manager for the case I was working at the time) was trying to get the "goods" on Angie, the patient's mom, to report her to child protective services. 

Angie is a single mother. This kid's dad is involved, but he lives back in the family's home state. Angie brought her son here so she could give him medical marijuana oil, and it may have saved his life. He no longer has constant seizures.

She can be a bit of a flake, but she's always seemed like a straight shooter to me. 

Angie has never left her son unattended (there was always a nurse with him) and she certainly doesn't abuse him. Which means that Stephanie didn't have a leg to stand on when trying to prove neglect. Nonetheless, she kept texting the day nurses, demanding report multiple times during the day. Angie got pissed about this and called the office, saying that she was going to come down there and "bust somebody's ass" if they didn't put a different nurse manager on the case. It was an unfortunate choice of words, but she didn't literally mean that she was going to hit anybody. Stephanie, however, played the drama queen and insisted that she felt afraid for her safety, so the agency released the family.

I signed up with the second agency at that point so I could still help the family now and then. I thought about just going with them, and I should have. I was at sixes and sevens. My mother and my brother both thought I should stay with the primary agency as they'd "treated me well" and they paid more. However, the primary agency was actually very controlling. My coordinator was literally starting to behave like a jealous lover. He would call me outside of normal business hours, telling me that I was "inconveniencing" him and the company and threatening my ability to continue working in the industry. When I said "fine, then put me on PRN status and I won't inconvenience you any more," he backpedaled and told me all about how I could make "so much money" if I just stayed with the company, that they'd get me all the work I needed, that I was a "quality nurse" and they didn't want to lose their "quality nurses."

When I told my mother about the "jealous lover" behavior on my coordinator's part, the threats that if I left I wouldn't get a good recommendation from them, the calls outside normal business hours, she said, "I just don't know what to say". My brother said, "wow, sorry that's happening." I really got no support at all from my family, and I don't have that many friends, so, you know. I was flying by the seat of my pants, like always, and I don't tend to follow my own instincts to protect myself.

 Since I know this agency doesn't give a fuck about any of their people, I'm pretty sure the only reason they "cared" so much is that the coordinators get bonuses when they plug a person into a case. The agency then works its personnel to death and is more than happy to drop them when the inevitable happens and someone either gets sick or falls asleep on the job. 

My coordinator kept promising me 48 hours a week with the main patient I was working with "just as soon as we're able to move the current nurse off the case." I always thought that was sketchy. If they were willing to talk about her that way behind her back, they were willing to talk about anybody. It's like being involved with a cheater--if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. That was how I felt in the relationship with that company. I should have busted a move and gotten away, but I was afraid that I wouldn't get a good recommendation.

With the family of the patient I was primarily working with, they always seemed like really "nice" people--the kind of "nice" where they'll smile to your face while stabbing you in the back. You can drink their coffee and eat their food, but they'll turn on a dime. 

I should have gone with my gut and saved myself a lot of grief, but I've been taught from as far back as I can remember that my feelings don't matter, that I need to always pursue the highest wage (since I was a failure who couldn't find a suitable husband to take care of me), that I need to stuff my feelings to please others, and that I'm wrong about everything.

The one thing I don't understand is why my creativity felt so suppressed while working with this family. It never made a lot of sense on the surface. They never told me I couldn't write or that writing was stupid. Still, I've been experiencing this nagging feeling for months "just give it up, you'll never go anywhere with it, you're not a good writer anyway, you need to focus on being a good nurse, you were never cut out to be an artist" and so on.

It would be easy enough to get over being fired, as the family I was working with are back-stabbers and the agency saw its people as cogs in the machine, but every time I think of the fact that I'll never see my patient again, I start hating myself all over for screwing up so badly. I've had trouble stopping myself from self-injury. I haven't been able to write because I feel like I don't deserve to, even though when I walked out of the office I felt truly creative for the first time in months. My energies are pushing my special friend Gem away, and my logical mind is telling me that he never was with me in the first place and that I made it all up inside my head because I'm nothing but a stupid, lonely loser who needs to drop this belief in spirits.

Much of the time I wish that I'd never felt the pull towards certain people or been able to "talk" to spirits. It's made me a real pariah. It's not that I think I have a connection to every celebrity, but I have always had a tendency to "know" something about the people I was watching in movies, on TV, music videos. A lot of the time it was stuff that didn't make sense, but later I found out it was true. As time went on and doubt creeped in, my accuracy decreased.

There was one case where I watched a short-lived (about 2 years) British drama in the mid-1980's. I could sense that the show's male and female lead had actual romantic feelings for each other. I could sense it so strongly that I had to stop watching the show. 

This was a "soul call." These people (the woman in particular) were looking for help because her obsessive, stalker husband (who she was trying to make an ex and he was fighting her) was making it difficult for the romance to move forward. This was something I found out later. Everything was eventually resolved, they got married in the late 1980's and have been together ever since. They have a son. I'm happy for them. 

I'm also glad I don't feel their energies anymore. It was something that was far too intense, and nobody was able to help me understand it.

 I created the One Love blog because I wanted to be able to show people like me that they aren't alone, but so far there have been no people like me and I still feel alone.

I've found myself wondering why I couldn't have met Gem during this life, why we couldn't have had a life together. I understand now why it wouldn't have worked. Gem was more than ten years older than me, was married, and lived in a location far distant from my own. Having him with me in spirit has been nothing short of amazing, but he has a hard time dealing with the self-harm aspect of my personality. It upsets him a lot. He just told me it's because there's a lot of anger involved in the moments when I start wanting to self-injure, and his general attitude towards anger is to turn on his own anger and fight back. However, with this situation, he can't do that. He also said he feels helpless in the face of it and feels like anything he says will only make matters worse. The suicide ideation is something he understands personally, but he says that he never had any compulsion to self-injure; if he were going to take himself out, he would have just taken himself out

I discovered that I still think along the lines of having to hide my real thoughts and feelings with Gem, because he might discover that I'm actually an asshole. His response: "Honey, I already know you're an asshole. I'm still here." 

I guess you know it's the real thing when someone knows you're an asshole but they still care about you.

Gem was upset with me last year because I wan't testing my blood sugar levels. I'm type 2 diabetic. After my most recent fasting draw, my A1C was way up. I have since learned that my fasting blood sugars are terrible. I'm going to have to ask the doctor to increase my Metformin and see if that helps. If it doesn't, I'm going to have to go on insulin because my pancreas is failing.

Here's the thing: this society tends to treat diseases like type 2 diabetes as some kind of personal failing. It's not a personal failing, it's my pancreas failing. I shouldn't have to be ashamed of it. Blame and shame help no-one. 

Here are a few more tidbits about diabetes. You can't "eat yourself" into diabetes. If you don't have the genetic trigger, you will never develop diabetes. You could eat nothing but cake and pie and wash it down with Coke or Pepsi, and you still wouldn't develop diabetes if you don't have the genetic trigger.

Being heavy doesn't "cause diabetes," but having metabolic problems can prompt weight gain and make weight loss difficult.

Alzheimer's disease is not "type 3 diabetes." I want to beat the ever-loving fuck out of whoever thought up that terrible idea. An online acquaintance was recently diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's. He's a big man in his late 60's, who has been caring for his very ill wife. He started having memory problems and went to the doctor. The doctor was a "kind" soul who told the poor fellow that he has Alzheimer's, which is "otherwise known as type 3 diabetes," and that he brought it on himself by being fat. I'm glad that the man had enough self-respect intact to fire this worthless excuse of a doctor, but he felt awful after his appointment with this clown. He is also worried, and rightly so, about what is going to happen to him and his wife with the current horrific state of affairs in the U.S. medical system.

By the way, thin people never get Alzheimer's. Nope, not a one. Everyone who has Alzheimer's is fat. Really, really fat. Super obese land whales to a one.

I mean, look at this monstrous land whale. Just look at all that flab. Must tip the scale at, oh, likely at least a half ton. I mean, if he'd ever put the fork down for even a second, he wouldn't have type 3 diabetes!!!!!11!!

That's hyperbole doing a mating dance with sarcasm, for those who might be missing a hyperbole chip and/or a sarcasm chip.

Alzheimer's disease does not discriminate by body type, and it is not "type 3 diabetes." It does, however, have something in common with type 2 diabetes. You can't "bring it on yourself." You can only get it if you have the genetic trigger.

Eh, I guess this has gone on long enough. One thing I know for certain is that in my next life if I have to be stuck hearing soul calls, I want to know what they are from the start. Maybe reading my own writing from this life will allow me to do that. 

I really don't want another life, but I know I'm stuck having one because I've botched this one so badly.

This is me, trying to get back to my purpose, trying to believe that I'm allowed to have a purpose, trying to believe that I have some kind of inherent worth. As usual, I'm having a hard time doing so.

By the way, Malcolm Young in no way deserves what's happening to him.

~The Cheese Hath Grated It~

Soul Calls

At The Beginning of the End: Version 6
Photoshop manipulation by The Real Cie

This is my final post on the Cie Loves Mal tumblr. 

I am no longer using this blog for its original purpose. I feel far too vulnerable doing so. I feel like I have revealed things that are much too personal. 

I was intending to delete the blog, however, I am leaving it here with one final post. I am creating a new blog for my artwork, stories, and personal thoughts. If you want the URL, say so in the comments. I don’t read messages.

I remember one time a blogger wondered why she had such strong emotions for James Hetfield, a person whom she has never met. Sure, she loves his music, but this emotion went far beyond the rational. As someone who has had a lot of experience with the metaphysical, I did not believe what she was feeling to be irrational, but at the time I couldn’t explain this phenomenon. I now can, and I hope to be able to save other people a lot of grief by doing so.

The information I discovered is in this post. Please read it. It will save you a lot of heartache. I wish I had known about this phenomenon when I was much younger. It would have saved me many years of pain.

The phenomenon I refer to is known as a Soul Call.

People with empathic abilities are particularly susceptible to soul calls.

The soul call explains why some people always have a tendency to find stray animals. It also explains why some people have a tendency to find wounded people whom they try to save, only to end up with a broken heart.

The soul call also explains why an otherwise rational person could feel as if she is falling in love with (for instance) James Hetfield, whom she has never met. It has nothing to do with lust or wanting to bang a rock musician for the thrill. She might not even necessarily want to have sex with him. She does, however, find herself wanting to be close to him. The desire to do so becomes all consuming.

This happens because James (or whomever) is feeling troubled about something. He may not even be consciously aware that he is particularly troubled, but his psyche is reaching out, saying “does someone have an answer for me?”

I am hoping that understanding the nature of soul calls can help quell the miserable feeling of unrequited love that all empaths feel at one time or another for a person whom they cannot possibly get close to, and whom it might not even be a good idea to get close to.

For my own part, I would have been saved 26 years of misery wherein I felt a strong pull towards someone who turned out to have both substance and sex addiction problems. This person haunted my dreams, literally. My need to find and get close to him destroyed my marriage. Fortunately, what I wanted never transpired. In fact, during my final astral encounter with him, I ended up telling him to stay away from me or I would hit him in the face with a shovel.

For the record, the person in question is not Malcolm Young.

Regarding Malcolm Young, his soul is screaming and has been for many years. I do not mean to imply that he is in a literal hell, for this is not the case. I only mean to impart that he is extremely troubled by his situation because he is sorry for hurting those who care about him and he can’t do anything about it.

I believe that what Angus said about Malcolm not being in his body at all any more is true. He is, for all intents and purposes, in spirit. The fact that his body remains in the material world is disconcerting and distressing to him.

Certainly there will be empaths who will hear this call and feel as if they are falling in love with such a spirit. However, romantic love is not what he needs or wants. Blessings, prayers, and peaceful vibrations are helpful to spirits in a situation such as Malcolm’s. Regarding Malcolm in particular, I think he would greatly welcome such assistance. 

In closing, yes, dear empathic souls, the love in your heart for the one whose soul call you are receiving is real. On closer examination, you are likely to find that it is not, in fact, romantic love. Look deeper. Ask how you can help. If you cannot sense anything concrete, simply send white light or say blessings or a prayer on behalf of the one making the soul call. Believe that it will help. It will.

I know now that I have received many soul calls over the years. I have been severely damaged by feelings of unrequited love and of loss, and it will take time for me to heal. I hope that I can save some of you the grief I have known. That is why I leave this here for you.

Peace, 

Cie

Otherworldly Love

Eternal Love by amasarac

 

Otherworldly Love

 

It's time to address a subject which is fairly common in paranormal fiction but which is not covered much in more scholarly metaphysical writing. The subject is relationships (usually romantic) between corporeal and non-corporeal beings.

These relationships can happen between humans and beings such as elementals or angels.* (See disclaimer at the end of the post) This post, however, will specifically address love relationships between incarnate and spectral humans.

Corporeal and non-corporeal people can and do fall in love. Sometimes the relationship was there prior to the departure of the non-corporeal person from the material realm. Other times it happens when the non-corporeal person (hereafter referred to as "ghost") meets and forms a bond with a sympathetic incarnate person with strong enough psychic abilities to interact with him or her.

I am addressing this topic because I imagine that there are other people like myself who, if nothing else, desperately need acknowledgement that they are not alone. Yes, this sort of thing does happen, and it can put you in a very lonely place if you're needing support or advice.

I can offer you support and acknowledgement that you are not alone. Any advice I have is primarily based on personal experience and thus may come with a bias. Further potential questions will be addressed below.

 

I made contact with a ghost. I love talking to him. I'm falling in love with him. He seems to feel the same way. Should I allow this relationship to happen or would it be better to stop it before things go too far?

 

I can't answer this question for you. Only you can make this decision. All I can do is tell you about my personal experiences in this area.

The same difficulties that you might have in a relationship with an incarnate person may arise in a relationship with a spectral person, and they tend to be magnified. In my case, jealousy has been a factor that damaged and eventually destroyed not only my material world marriage but several relationships with discarnate lovers, including my first real love.

I tend to attract abusive men in real life. The discarnate lovers I've attracted are generally not abusive, but every single one of them has been troubled in one way or another.

Content spirits whose lives ended at the proper time are not likely to be hanging around the Earth plane. I do not ascribe to the idea that all spirits who have unresolved issues are malevolent. Spirits are just like incarnate people. Some are benevolent, others are not.

Once you have insured that the spirit you are dealing with is benevolent, only you can make the decision whether a romantic relationship with him or her will be more positive than negative. I do offer Tarot readings which may help shed light on the subject, but in the end, the choice is up to you.

 

You mentioned that you have been romantically involved with spirits. How many?

 

I've had numerous platonic friendships which I still maintain. Romantic involvements, of which there have been nine, include incarnate people with whom I've had a bond on an astral level, which is a different subject but I include it here because it can have a significant impact on a person's life.

 

Wow! Did these all end badly?

 

Most of them. Some of them just ran their course. As I said before, I don't do relationships well.

 

Are you currently involved with a spirit?

 

Yes.

 

Can you tell me something about him or her? Do you think things will turn out better this time?

 

I think things will be better this time because I've learned a lot. My relationship with Gem is different than it ever was with any other spirit. He tries very hard to let me know he's with me. He is extremely gentle. He gives off a warm energy when he touches me.

We've had arguments because of my jealousy. He actually pushes back more than some of my previous involvements. He won't put up with my accusing him of things he hasn't done. He's extremely sensitive, and I hate hurting him. We talked things out and it made our bond stronger.

I wasn't expecting a romantic involvement with Gem. I was very open to contact with him, but I figured our bond would be platonic. I'd made a pact with myself to never again be involved with a spirit after the five year long bond I had with my previous love, Tore, ended acrimoniously back in 2011.

Gem really needed someone to talk to. I knew I could trust him so I let him in when he asked. Yes, ghosts are like vampires. They can't come in unless you invite them. The exception is with a place where they resided or spent a lot of time in life.

Gem started spending a lot of time with me. In less than a week, I became aware that his feelings for me were more than platonic, which surprised me and terrified me because I knew I could easily fall in love with him if I let myself.

I talked to him about the feelings I was sensing from him because I knew that he had been involved with the same person for many years. He said that she was ready to be done with him. He was very ill in the last years of his life. He said that she was sick of taking care of him and that the bond, while strong, had never been particularly passionate.

He is literally the only one that I would have broken my "never again" rule for. I don't regret it, but it's been challenging because of my trust issues.

Gem is actually good friends with my first spectral love, Bel. This made things a bit awkward, but it was more humorous than truly problematic. We're all good friends with each other, and Bel supports Gem and me wholeheartedly.

 

I want a ghost lover! How can I get one?

 

I would advise not directly looking for a spectral lover. Putting this vibration into the Universe will be likely to attract predatory spirits and lower astral entities.

If you wish to communicate with spirits in general, this is fine. You need to take measures to protect yourself. There are many good articles on this subject.

None of my relationships were planned. They were all spirits (or, in some cases, bonds with incarnate people on an astral level) who were seeking assistance, and I offered my assistance.

 

How do you communicate with your lover? Do you have sex with him?

 

I am primarily clairsentient or empathic. I sense his emotions. I receive images from him. I really enjoy writing with him. He is a very creative personality and he loves the fact that he found an obsessive writer to bond with.

Yes, we do have sex. It's different than it would be if we were both incarnate or if we were both spectral. It's also different with him than it was with anyone before him, because he really focuses his intent on making it a beautiful experience for me. He's a very gentle soul, and this translates well when we make love.

The most important thing, however, is not the sex. It's the emotional bond that we have each other. We love each other and try to make each other happy.

 

I feel like I've formed a bond with the spirit of a famous person. Is this possible?

 

Yes, but this is one you have to be really careful with, even more so than if your spectral intended is Jane Plain or Joe Blow. The more famous the person, the more likely that it is actually a lower astral entity or succubus/incubus pretending to be them.

Is said famous person really enjoying playing the astral field with multiple incarnate people? Possibly, but probably not. Spirits tend to be more honest than incarnate people. Benevolent spirits also have a moral code about not wanting to bring harm to vulnerable incarnate folk.

Also, unless you are dealing with an unrecovered sex addict, most spirits really are not interested in sex with numerous incarnate partners. Dealing with incarnate people can be exhausting. It would be far easier to simply find other like-minded spirits to get busy with.

It is possible for multiple empaths (clairsentients) to receive a Soul Call from a discarnate famous person with unresolved issues. Again, the more famous the person the more likely that you are receiving a Soul Call rather than a come-on to be their lover.

Any benevolent spirit will understand reluctance to jump right into a liaison which could potentially harmful to their incarnate intended. A benevolent spirit will never try to pressure you into a romantic bond or sex. If you are feeling pressure of this nature, then the spirit is not who they say they are and you need to take measures to protect yourself.

Another frustration with involvement with a famous person in spirit is the fact that revealing your bond will open you to ridicule and possible threats from others. Unless you find someone you can really trust, you can never talk about it with anyone, even in the more open-minded communities. I learned the hard way about this one!

 

So you've been involved with the spirit of a famous person?

 

Yes. I don't feel comfortable disclosing details.

 

You mentioned that you do Tarot readings?

 

Yes. I do a basic Celtic Cross reading at $25 flat rate for either a general reading or one specific question. If you'd like a reading, leave your email in the contacts and I'll get in touch with you. I'm in the process of making a page I can direct potential clients to.

 

Can you help me communicate with my spectral friend/beloved?

 

I am only able to communicate with spirits that contact me directly. I don't feel confident in my skills as a go-between type of medium. If any readers know a medium whose skills they'd recommend, please leave their details in the comments.

 

Any other helpful ideas?

 

If you have even an inkling that you may be a psychic sensitive or empathy, you can join the Empath Support community. It's a small place, but I'd like to see it grow. (I'm not a moderator or creator, just a member.)

I'm thinking about starting a community for people with otherworldly friends and lovers, but I know it would be a lot of work keeping out the riff-raff who want to belittle those who feel they've had this experience. It's a possibility for the future.

 

Wow! You must be really special to have all this knowledge!

 

More like really old, and I'm hardly omniscient. I'm just a very flawed soul who has been on a long strange trip. It takes a lot of courage for me to share what I've shared here.

I'm finally taking back the power that I've allowed others to steal from me over the years. I'd like for others who are going through some of the things that I went through mostly alone to feel as though they have support.

I may have more experience than some of you but that does not make me a "better" person. We are all equal and we all have things to teach each other.

 

This page is a work in progress. More will be added as I think of it!

 

Love and Light,

Cie

 

*My statement about romantic bonds between angels and incarnate humans is not evidence that I support canon Destiel, as I do not. My dislike for Destiel does not mean that I am a homophobe or biphobe, it simply means that I don't like Destiel. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

If you're wondering what Destiel is, it's a ship between the Supernatural characters Dean Winchester and the angel Castiel. I actually don't have a problem with the ship itself. What I do have a problem with is the obsessive behavior of some of its devotees, who try to force this ship on others and who harass and threaten those who aren't keen on it, including Jensen Ackles, the actor who plays Dean Winchester.

This page is not the place to discuss shipping, Supernatural or otherwise. I only bring it up because I've had issues with these "Destiehellers" on my own Supernatural fan blog. They cling to the slightest "evidence" that "Destiel will be canon," and I feared that my statement about romantic unions between incarnate humans and angelic beings could be taken as such "evidence" if one of them happened upon this page.

Yes, they are bad enough that I feel the need for a pre-emptive strike, however vague the possibility that they may manifest here.